DO ANTIQUE DEALERS HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR?
DRY, SUBTLE, RESERVED BUT YES INDEED, WE KNOW HOW TO CRACK A JOKE, TAKE SOME RIBBING, AND PARTAKE OF A PRACTICAL JOKE
IT DOESN'T COME UP A LOT. I'VE NEVER REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT, BUT I SUPPOSE THE GENERAL PUBLIC PROBABLY THINKS ANTIQUE DEALERS ARE A DULL CROWD, OF FURNITURE RE-FINISHING, CHINA POSSESSING, SILVER HUGGING, GLASS EMBRACING, COLLECTORS OF EVERYTHING….WHO COULDN'T POSSIBLY AFFORD THE DOWN TIME TO LAUGH OUT LOUD….OR EVEN TO THEMSELVES. THE OUTSIDER MIGHT EVEN ASSUME, THAT SHOULD AN ANTIQUE DEALER LAUGH, IT MUST BE DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL TO A REALLY BIG TREASURE FIND. YOU KNOW….THE COVETOUS, NEAR GUILTY CHORTLE OF SOMEONE PONDERING THE A NEAR-SINFUL PROPERTY GAIN. WELL, THAT'S HOLLYWOOD FOR YOU. WE'RE A LOT DIFFERENT UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL. WE SMILE TWICE EACH SPRING, AND ONCE IN THE FALL. AH, STEREOTYPES. WHERE WOULD WE BE WITHOUT THEM?
WOULD A HUNDRED ANTIQUE DEALERS, IN A ROOM, CONSTITUTE A RIOT, A PARTY, OR A GENERAL MEETING, THAT STEPHEN LEACOCK MIGHT WELL HAVE WRITTEN ABOUT, IN HIS "SUNSHINE SKETCHES OF A LITTLE TOWN?" MIGHT YOU DETECT ANY SENSE OF RECKLESS ABANDON, UNRESERVED WILDNESS, IN COMPANY OF A BAKER'S DOZEN, OF ARDENT ANTIQUE DEALERS, ON A CROSS COUNTRY ROAD TRIP? PROBABLY NOT. IT DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE ZEAL FOR LIFE, AND IT'S LIKELY SIX OF THAT DOZEN HAVE READ "ZEN AND THE ART OF MOTORCYCLE MAINTENANCE." HALF OF THAT NUMBER MAY HAVE EVEN BEEN TRIPPING AT WOODSTOCK. IT CAN BE SAID, WITHOUT TOO MUCH OF A STRETCH, AS THE GOOD MR. LEACOCK MIGHT HAVE OBSERVED, THERE IS A QUIET DIGNITY, AND TRADITION OF MODEST PROPORTION TO THE ART AND PROFESSION OF COLLECTING OLD STUFF. WE LIKE TO HAVE FUN, BUT IT'S THE FUN OF LIFE ITSELF, AND JUST BECAUSE OUR RESERVED GOOD HUMOUR, DOESN'T JUMP OUT AND START BALL ROOM DANCING, DOESN'T MEAN WE CAN'T WHEN THE RIGHT MUSIC COMES ALONG.
IN MY OLD BASEMENT SHOP, SITUATED IN UPTOWN BRACEBRIDGE, THIS RESERVE OF GOOD HUMOR KEPT ME FROM DELVING INTO THE ACCOUNTING BOOKS, THAT WOULD HAVE REVEALED, AT THAT TIME, MY PROFESSION WAS AS SEAWORTHY AS A SPONGE. WITH MY REGULAR VISITORS, THE HANGERS-ON WHO KEPT ME FROM GOING BONKERS IN THE SILENCE OF POOR-BUSINESS, WE SHARED A LOT OF JOKES, ON AND OFF COLOR, AND REMINISCED ABOUT FOIBLES OF THE PAST. I SEEMED TO BE ABLE TO DOUBLE THOSE FROM ANYONE ELSE…..WHICH MEANT, I WAS A PRETTY HAPHAZARD, COMICAL KIND OF GUY…..FOR AN ANTIQUE DEALER. ON THESE OCCASIONS, I WAS MORE THE WRITER IN RESIDENCE THAN THE DEALER IN HIS SHOP. TRUTH IS, RUNNING A SHOP HAD ITS COMICAL MOMENTS. UNEXPECTED EVENTS. I CAN'T EXPLAIN THIS, AS COMPARED TO RESTAURANTS, GROCERY STORES, GIFT SHOPS, OR TRAVEL AGENCIES. FOR SOME REASON, OUR LITTLE SHOP ON MANITOBA STREET, INSPIRED ODD BEHAVIOR IN ALL WHO SPENT TIME HERE. EVEN THE WEE MICE IN THE NOOKS AND CRANNIES WERE HIPPIES. I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE. SO HOW WOULD YOU REACT?
ONE SATURDAY AFTERNOON, IN JULY, I WAS ITCHING TO CLOSE UP THE SHOP. I HATED WORKING SATURDAYS ALONE, BECAUSE IT COULD GET QUITE BUSY, IN-SEASON THAT IS, AND I WAS NOT A VERY PATIENT SALES CLERK ANY TIME OF THE DAY. THE PROBLEM WITH OUR SHOP LOCATION, IS THAT IF I DIDN'T GET THE DOORS SHUT BY SIX, THE MOVIE CROWD WOULD ARRIVE AT THE RESTAURANT NEXT DOOR. WHAT THEY WOULD DO, FIRST, IS GRAB A TABLE IN THE RESTAURANT, AND A FEW OF THE PARTY WOULD COME OVER TO OUR SHOP TO KILL TIME. I KNEW THEY WERE GOING TO THE SHOW AT SEVEN, JUST DOWN THE STREET, AND WERE MAKING A NIGHT OF IT……INCLUDING A VISIT TO THE ANTIQUE SHOP. BY THIS TIME I WAS TRULY EXHAUSTED. HUNGRY. SWEATY. AND NEEDING A VERY LARGE AND COLD BEER. ON THIS PARTICULAR OCCASION, A GROUP OF YOUNG MEN, FROM A LARGER GROUP, ARRIVED IN MY SHOP, AND BEGAN FREAKING OUT ABOUT THE VINTAGE CLOTHING SUZANNE HAD RECENTLY RESTORED. THEY INCLUDED EVERYTHING FROM 1950'S PROM DRESSES, TO MUCH MORE FORMAL ATTIRE. I THINK WE EVEN HAD A COUPLE OF POODLE SKIRTS. LET ME TELL YOU HOW I DREADED THAT RACK OF VINTAGE WOMEN'S CLOTHES. AS I AM A FAR MORE TRADITIONAL ANTIQUE DEALER, WITH A LOVE OF BOOKS AND FURNITURE, I'M GOING TO BE VERY FREE TELLING YOU ABOUT THE VIRTUES OF A PINE FLAT-TO-THE-WALL, OR AN ANTIQUE SIDEBOARD, THAN HOW YOU LOOK IN A POODLE SKIRT OR A PROM DRESS. WE HAVE OUR SPECIALTIES AND FAVORITES, AND I HADN'T EXPECTED TO BE IN THE CLOTHING BUSINESS.
NOW MY FEELING HERE, WAS THAT THESE CHAPS WOULD HAVE A QUICK LOOK ABOUT, MAKE SOME COMMENTS ABOUT THE STUFF I DIDN'T HAVE, OR SHOULD HAVE, AND RACE BACK FOR THEIR CHOW MEIN IN ABOUT FIFTEEN MINUTES FROM POINT OF ENTRY. GEEZ, THEY WENT TO THAT RACK. LIKE HOMING PIGEONS. WHILE I'M A WELL TRAVELLED MAN, AS A REPORTER, AND IF YOU WANT TO DON A DRESS OR PLACE KNICKERS OVER YOUR HEAD, I'M GOOD WITH THAT…..AS LONG AS YOU DON'T ASK ME WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE…..OR IF YOU SHOULD BUY IT, BASED ON MY EXPERT OPINION. HORROR OF HORRORS, THESE VISITORS BEGAN TRYING ON ALL THE DRESSES. THE BLOUSES, THE SKIRTS, THE WRAP-AROUNDS, EVEN SOME VERY OLD BLOOMERS AND A CORSET FROM VICTORIAN TIMES. IF YOU HAD BEEN LISTENING, YOU WOULD HAVE HEARD AN EVERSO FAINT "HELP ME, PLEASE, HELP ME." I'M VERY EASILY EMBARRASSED, AND IT MUST HAVE SHOWN PRETTY SHARPLY, AGAINST THE WHITE WALL BEHIND ME. AND SUZANNE HAD COMMANDED ME, AS USUAL, TO WATCH THE RACK FOR ANY MISHANDLING OF THE VINTAGE CLOTHING, BUT THAT USUALLY MEANT, THE CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM CONES, KIDS OFTEN BROUGHT INTO THE SHOP….BEFORE I COULD STOP THEM.
SO HERE, THEN, IN THIS FRENZY OF DRESS FITTING, WHEN I VICIOUSLY NEEDED A SHOWER, A BEER, A CHAISE LOUNGE AND SERENITY NOW, I WAS GETTING REQUESTS FOR INFORMATION, ABOUT EACH OF THE ITEMS BEING MODELED IN FRONT. BUT WHAT I'M REALLY GETTING INSTEAD, IS A FASHION PARADE OF YOUNG MEN IN PROM DRESSES AND POODLE SKIRTS, WALKING AROUND THE STORE. WHETHER THEY WERE PULLING MY LEG, OR THEY GENUINELY WERE INTERESTED IN WEARING THIS ATTIRE, I COULD NOT AND WOULD NOT SAY…..EVEN UNDER MY BREATH. IT WAS WHEN I WAS ASKED TO MAKE COMMENT ON HOW THEY LOOKED, ALL DRESSED-UP, THAT PULLED MY CAPABILITIES AS TAUT AS THEY'VE EVER BEEN. I WAS SWEATING WITH FEAR ABOUT HAVING TO PROVIDE SOME FASHION COMMENTARY. GADS, WHAT DOES A GUY LIKE ME, WHO HAS NO FASHION SENSE WHATSOEVER, TELL A GUY WEARING A 1950'S PROM DRESS, ABOUT HIS LEVEL OF ATTRACTIVENESS? I MEAN IT'S WELL AFTER CLOSING, AND I'VE BEEN HAULING HEAVY FURNITURE FOR MOST OF THE DAY, SELLING BASEBALL AND HOCKEY CARDS FOR THE OTHER PART, AND THEN HAVING TO SELL EMBROIDERED HANKIES TO PERSNICKETY OLDER LADIES, WHO DEMAND MY UTMOST ATTENTION…..AND MAY WANT A DATE. WHAT WORDS COULD THE "WRITER-CURRIE" COMPOSE, TO GET ME OUT OF THIS UNCOMFORTABLE SITUATION? NOT THAT THERE WAS ANYTHING WRONG WITH THEIR ACTIONS. IN FACT, THEY WERE VERY POLITE AND KIND THROUGH THE WHOLE UNCOMFORTABLE EVENT.
THE PROBLEM WAS ENTIRELY MINE. NOT PREJUDICIAL. JUST NOT POSSESSING THE PATIENCE AND CAPABILITY, AT THAT TIME OF THE DAY, TO OFFER ANYTHING BUT THE TRUTH. SO THINKING REAL HARD, ON A BUDGET OF TIME, (THEIR DINNER WAS BEING SERVED NEXT DOOR) AND WITH JUST MOISTENED LIPS, SO AS NOT TO SOUND OR APPEAR MORE NERVOUS THAN MY RED FACE REVEALED, (AND OF COURSE A SENSE OF DUTY TO MY PROFESSION TO TURN A PROFIT), I ANSWERED WITH THE CONFIDENCE AND STATURE OF A WORLD COMMENTATOR.
"IT LOOKS DEVINE. IT'S YOU. I LOVE IT. WILL THAT BE CASH OR CREDIT CARD?" I FELT LIKE A SELL-OUT FOR A QUICK BUCK, BUT THEY SEEMED HAPPY WITH WHAT I TOLD THEM. I WASN'T REALLY LIEING TO THEM, BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T LOOK BAD, IN THE CLOTHING WHATSOEVER. YOU KNOW, I HAD A DIFFICULT TIME TELLING THIS SAME STORY TO SUZANNE, WHEN I GOT HOME THAT NIGHT. SO WHEN I FINISHED UP, BY SAYING THAT THEY LOOKED SURPRISINGLY GOOD, WITH HER DRESSES ON, SHE GAVE ME THAT QUESTIONING GLANCE……AND I RESPONDED IN KIND. "DEAR, I'M JUST NOT INTO THAT. SO DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME AND MY MID-LIFE CRAZY."
NOW BEFORE JUDGING ME HARSHLY, LET'S JUST SAY IT WAS A SOLID, MIDDLE OF THE ROAD ANSWER. I COULD HAVE BEEN MORE SWEET AND EMPHATIC, AND ON THE OTHER HAND, I COULD HAVE SAID, "YOU LOOK HORRIBLE. YOU MAKE THAT POODLE LOOK LIKE A BULLDOG." TRUTH IS, YOU KNOW, THEY ALL LOOKED PRETTY GOOD, AND I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU, THEY BOUGHT THREE OF THE VINTAGE PIECES, AND CAME BACK THE NEXT DAY FOR THE ANTIQUE BLOOMERS. SUZANNE WAS WORKING THAT DAY. SO I GOT MY SHOWER, MY LOUNGE ON THE DECK, MY BEER, AND SERENITY, AND A NICE DEPOSIT FOR THE NEXT MORNING. SUZANNE COULDN'T BELIEVE I WAS CAPABLE OF MAKING THAT SALE. BONUS FOR ME. I LOVE BEATING HER ON STUFF LIKE THIS, WHEN SHE COUNTS ON MY MALE-NESS TO GET IN THE WAY OF SELLING VINTAGE ITEMS OF A MORE DELICATE NATURE. I REMIND HER HOW MANY LACE DOILIES I HAVE SOLD OVER THE DECADES, AND QUILTS AND AFGHANS, TABLE CLOTHES AND NAPKINS, AND NEVER FELT IT WAS A STRETCH FROM MY STANDING IN THE ANTIQUE COMMUNITY. FUNNY THING THOUGH. THE ABOVE SCENARIO WITH THE LADS, TRYING ON THE DRESSES, HAD A REVERSE SIDE THAT I NEVER TOLD SUZANNE ABOUT……UNTIL NOW. YOU SEE, SHE WON'T READ MY BLOGS, SO THIS IS THE OXYMORON OF "HIDING IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN." UNLESS OF COURSE YOU TELL HER. THAT WOULDN'T BE NICE.
I WORRIED ABOUT THAT VINTAGE CLOTHING RACK A LOT. SUZANNE IS VERY PROFICIENT AT SEWING, AND MAKING REPAIRS ON VINTAGE CLOTHING. SHE HAS EVEN DONE SOME MODIFICATIONS FOR CUSTOMERS IN THE PAST, TO REDUCE OR INCREASE SIZES TO SUIT THE CUSTOMER. AS AN ANTIQUE DEALER, WHO WANTS TO HAVE AN ENTHUSED AND PROFITABLE PARTNERSHIP, I WHOLE-HEARTEDLY AGREED THAT WE SHOULD HAVE A SECTION FOR THE VINTAGE CLOTHING WE FIND OUT ON THE SALE CIRCUIT, AT ESTATE SALES, AND AT AUCTION. I'VE SEEN THE SALES FIGURES. I CAN LIVE WITH THOSE NUMBERS. THE PROBLEM, IN OUR STORE, WAS THAT WE SIMPLY DIDN'T HAVE A CHANGE ROOM. NOTHING. WE DID HAVE A LOT OF TALL SHELVING IN THE CENTRE OF THE SHOP, THAT COULD, IN A PINCH, ACT AS A TEMPORARY PRIVACY SHIELD. PROVIDING THAT MEMBERS OF THE LIARS CLUB WEREN'T HOLDING ONE OF THEIR DAILY MEETINGS AT BIRCH HOLLOW. FORTUNATELY, THIS NEVER HAPPENED IN THAT HALF DECADE, WE WERE IN THAT BASEMENT SHOP. THEIR POTENTIALLY CRUDE COMMENTS WOULD SINK MY BATTLESHIP. NOW THAT WOLD HAVE BEEN A TOUGH ONE TO NAVIGATE. A SORT OF OPEN-AIR CHANGE ROOM AND SOME CRUSTY OLD MEN, WHO MISTAKENLY THOUGHT THEY WERE HOT STUFF DESPITE THE OLD PACKAGE, WHO MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE BEEN SECRET VOYEUR'S AT THEIR LEISURE.
I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME I WAS ALONE IN THE SHOP WHEN THIS SITUATION TRANSPIRED. AFTER GETTING ROBERT OFF TO KINDERGARTEN AT BRACEBRIDGE PUBLIC SCHOOL, FOR AFTERNOON CLASS, I MET A WOMAN AT THE DOOR, JUST COMING FOR A LOOK-SEE. I OPENED THE DOOR, INVITED HER IN, AND LIKE A LIGHTNING BOLT, SHE HIT THAT RACK OF OLD CLOTHES. NOW THAT WASN'T THE WORSE CASE SCENARIO BY ANY MEANS, BECAUSE WE DID HAVE MANY FOLKS BUY PIECES WITHOUT TRYING THEM ON. A LOT OF THE NOSTALGIA DRESSES WERE TO BE USED AS DECORATIONS, IN BEDROOMS ETC., SO THERE WAS NO NEED TO OFFER A DRESSING ROOM. THIS YOUNG LADY WAS INTERESTED IN A DRESS TO WEAR. SHE WAS ONE OF ABOUT TEN, IN THOSE YEARS, WHO CHALLENGED ME TO BE A BETTER, KINDER, MORE COMPASSIONATE, STORE CLERK. WHILE THERE WAS NO STOPPING THE BLUSH…..NO MATTER HOW USED-TO THIS I GOT, HAVING A HALF NAKED WOMAN WAVERING BEHIND A STACK OF BOOKS, WAS STILL, TO ME, AN EMBARRASSING SITUATION. I CAN REMEMBER THE RUSH OF FEAR THAT WHILE THIS WOMEN WAS TRYING ON A DRESS, MY CRONIES WOULD TRUNDLE DOWN THOSE STAIRS IN A GROUP, SPILLING COFFEE AND LAUGHING LIKE THE MADMEN THEY WERE, AND STARTLING THIS POOR SOUL HALF TO DEATH. THE TROUBLE FOR ME, AS IT WAS WITH THE GENTS, WAS BEING ASKED MY OPINION OF THE OUTFIT, WHETHER BLOUSE, VEST, DRESS, OR SKIRT. I GET IN TROUBLE NOW, WHEN SUZANNE ASKS ME IF SHE LOOKS OKAY IN SOME OUTFIT, AND SHE SUSPECTS I'M LIEING OUT OF DISINTEREST. SO WHEN THIS GIRL DEMANDED MY HONEST OPINION, AND THEN WANTED TO DISCUSS MY FINDINGS, BY GOLLY, I THOUGH MY FACE WAS GOING TO EXPLODE. I WANTED TO SAY, "LADY, I'M AN ANTIQUE DEALER…..I HAVE NO RIGHT TO AN OPINION." BUT I DIDN'T. I BECAME, BY SOME STRANGE BENEVOLENCE, OR OSMOSIS OF INNER CHILD, A VERY ASTUTE AND HELPFUL COMMENTATOR, ON THE WAY THE ARTICLE HUNG FROM HER HIPS, WITHOUT ONCE GETTING THE GIGGLES, OR MAKING ANY MISTAKES WITH WORDS, PRESENTATION, OR INNUENDO. I DID HAVE THIS THOUGHT, ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY OF SUZANNE GRACING THAT UPPER DOORWAY, AND YELLING DOWN, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING TED?" SO, I TOLD THE CHARMING WOMAN, TRYING ON THE SKIRT AND BLOUSE, THAT SHE RADIATED LOVELINESS, AND THE FIT WAS AS IF TAILORED TO HER PRECISE MEASUREMENTS……THE COLORS WERE MAGICAL AGAINST HER AUBURN HAIR. THEN I WROTE OUT THE RECEIPT, AND ACCEPTED THE PURCHASE PRICE. IF THERE WAS ANY WEAKNESS IN THE WHOLE EFFORT, IT WAS THE REALITY I HAD NO BLESSED IDEA HOW TO FOLD A SKIRT AND BLOUSE, AS THE ONLY REAL PRACTICE I HAD WAS STUFFING THE DRAWER IN MY DRESSER, AND LOADING UP A BAG OF HOCKEY EQUIPMENT. YES INDEED, IT HERALDED A BEGINNING OF REFINEMENT IN THE NUANCES OF THE REVISED ANTIQUE TRADE. I HAD ON THE JOB TRAINING. I'D PROVEN SOMETHING TO MYSELF….THAT THERE WAS MORE TO THE ANTIQUE ENTERPRISE THAN CRYSTAL VASES, SPINNING WHEELS, PEWTER, COPPER, AND PORCELAIN. CUSTOMERS DID A LOT OF PINGING AND SPINNING ON THAT STUFF, BUT IT WAS THE TRYING ON OF WOMEN'S CLOTHES, THAT BLEW MY MIND, TO WHAT CUSTOMERS REALLY THOUGHT WAS NEAT ABOUT OUR BASEMENT BUSINESS. "MR. CURRIE EVEN HELPED ME ZIP UP MY DRESS!" THAT WAS THE NIGHTMARE SCENARIO THAT NEVER HAPPENED. I REALLY DON'T THINK I COULD HAVE TOLD SUZANNE THAT, AND NOT EXPECTED TO BE SLEEPING, ONCE AGAIN, ON THE VERANDAH HERE AT BIRCH HOLLOW.
WE'VE BEEN BUYING AND SELLING VINTAGE CLOTHING EVER SINCE. I DRAW THE LINE AT ANTIQUE UNDERWEAR. NO WAY.
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