ANTIQUES AND ANECDOTE - SOME ARE SERIOUS ALL THE TIME - I'M SERIOUS SOME OF THE TIME - MAYBE A LITTLE LESS - BUT HAVING MORE FUN

THE CHARACTERS OF THE ANTIQUE TRADE - I'M ONE OF THEM AND SO WAS DAVE BROWN

WE WERE AT A LOCAL ANTIQUE / SECOND HAND SHOP, HERE IN MUSKOKA, YESTERDAY, AND SUZANNE POINTED OUT THAT THE GRAPHIC, ON A CIRCA 1910 FRAMED PRINT, REMINDED HER STRANGELY OF OUR OLD COLLECTOR BUDDY, DAVE BROWN, OF HAMILTON. IT WAS A SKETCH OF A GENTLEMAN IN A TOP HAT, WITH CANE, STEPPING THROUGH THE GLASS OF A GROUND-LEVEL "HOT-HOUSE" TYPE AFFAIR…..THAT I ACTUALLY REMEMBER SOME LOCAL GARDENERS USING IN THE SPRING SEASON, UP ON BRACEBRIDGE'S ALICE STREET. THE CHAP HAD A FLASK OF BOOZE HANGING OUT OF HIS COAT POCKET. I ASKED SUZANNE, "WHY IN THE WORLD DOES THIS REMIND YOU OF DAVE? "IT'S HIS FEET. DAVE HAD ENORMOUS FEET, AND HE HAD QUITE A DISTINCTIVE HALF-WALK, HALF SHUFFLE, AND THE FACE LOOKS JUST LIKE DAVE," SHE SAID. DAVE WOULD DRINK WINE, BUT NOT OUT OF A PAPER BAG, AND HE WAS NEVER EVEN CLOSE TO TIPSY, DURING OUR LATE NIGHT WINE-EVENTS. BUT I HAD TO ADMIT, THAT IF DAVE BROWN HAD BEEN AROUND IN 1910, YUP, HE'D HAVE BEEN THIS GUY'S TWIN. I CAN FIND OTHER PARALLELS, HIS GIRTH, HEIGHT, AND OFTEN AWKWARD APPROACH TO GETTING FROM POINT "A" TO "B", AND WHAT MIGHT HAVE GOT BROKEN IN HIS PATH. HE WASN'T CLUMSY, AND COULD PADDLE A CANOE AS WELL AS GUIDE. HE JUST WASN'T ATHLETIC ABOUT ANY OF IT, BUT IT DIDN'T IMPEDE HIS PROGRESS MUCH, ON EITHER LAND OR WATER.

SO I DID AGREE WITH SUZANNE, THAT THIS LITTLE PUBLISHED SKETCH, FROM OVER 100 YEARS AGO, DID RESEMBLE AN ANTIQUATED MR. BROWN, AND THAT IN A HUMOROUS, YET STILL RESPECTFUL WAY, IT WOULD REMIND ME, HERE IN MY OFFICE, OF THE GREAT ADVENTURES, TWO ODDBALL COLLECTORS ENJOYED, STUMBLING IN EACH OTHER'S WAY, FOR THOSE PRECIOUS YEARS WHEN HE WAS MY TUTOR……AND HE DIDN'T WANT TO BE!

I'VE INCLUDED AN IMAGE OF THE SUBJECT GRAPHIC, THAT IS ENTITLED "HOLY SMOKE! FREEZIN AGAIN?"

SO HOW MANY BOOKS DID MR. BROWN STASH IN HIS HOUSE - AND WHY YOU SHOULDN'T FOLLOW IN HIS FOOTSTEPS?

I'VE TOLD THIS STORY QUITE A FEW TIMES, TO THE AMUSEMENT OF BOOK COLLECTORS. I'VE WROTE ABOUT IT, FIRST IN HIS BIOGRAPHY, SHORTLY AFTER HIS DEATH, AND IT'S BEEN PUBLISHED IN A NUMBER OF OTHER FEATURE MAGAZINES, OVER THE YEARS, WHENEVER I'VE BEEN WRITING ABOUT ANTIQUES AND OVER-KILL. IT WASN'T WRITTEN TO MAKE FUN OF DAVE'S HABITS. IF THIS WAS THE CASE, DAVE, FROM THE OTHER SIDE, WOULD FIND A WAY OF WHACKING ME ON THE BACK OF THE HEAD. HE FREQUENTLY PATS ME ON THE SHOULDER, WHEN I'M DOWN IN THE ARCHIVES WHERE, HE USED TO SLEEP ON BIRCH HOLLOW VISITS. HE'S TAPPED ME THREE TIMES. THE FIRST TIME I FELT A HAND ON MY SHOULDER, IT WAS ONLY ABOUT FIVE MINUTES AFTER FINISHING THE FINAL EDIT OF HIS BIOGRAPHY. I FELT SOMETHING IN THE ROOM WITH ME, THAT NIGHT, AND IT WASN'T A CAT, A DOG, OR ANY OF THE HUMAN INMATES OF BIRCH HOLLOW. IT WAS A FIRM, MEANINGFUL GRASP ON MY RIGHT SHOULDER. ALWAYS THE RIGHT. THERE WAS NO OTHER EXPLANATION. DAVE NOT ONLY HAD HUGE FEET BUT BIG MITTS, AND WHEN HE SHOOK YOUR HAND, IF IT WASN'T EQUAL IN SIZE AND STRENGTH, YOURS WOULD SIMPLY DISAPPEAR INTO THIS MASSIVE CLENCH OF MEAT. AS DAVE HAD OFTEN SLAPPED ME ON THE SHOULDER, AS A GREETING AND A FAREWELL, IT MADE SENSE……HE WAS CONTENT WITH THE EDITORIAL SLANT OF THE BIOGRAPHY, WHICH FRANKLY HAD CONCERNED ME. DAVE IN LIFE, ONCE SHUNNED A CLOSE FRIEND / TEACHING COLLEAGUE, FOR SEVERAL MONTHS, AFTER SHE WENT OUT AND BOUGHT HIM MAGNIFYING EYE GLASSES. DAVE'S EYES WERE NOT GOOD BUT HE REFUSED TO GET THEM EXAMINED. SO YOU'D SEE DAVE, WITH AN OPEN BOOK ABOUT FIVE INCHES FROM THE TIP OF HIS NOSE. SO THIS GAL THOUGHT HE WOULD APPRECIATE A LITTLE HELP, TO READ THE BOOKS HE LOVED. DAVE THREW THEM DOWN, TURNED AND WALKED AWAY, AND REFUSED TO TALK WITH THE PERSON FOR ETERNITY I SUPPOSE. I'M NOT SURE IF THIS EVER RESOLVED. IT WAS DAVE'S DEMEANOR. SO IF IN THE AFTERLIFE, HE HAD ISSUES WITH THE WAY I REMEMBERED OUR TIME TOGETHER, I'M PRETTY SURE I'D HAVE BEEN CARRYING MY HEAD UNDER MY ARM BY NOW.

DAVE PHONED ME ONE DAY COMPLETELY EXASPERATED WITH CURRENT EVENTS. NOT WORLD EVENTS, BUT WHAT WAS HAPPENING AROUND HIM AT THAT MOMENT. HE DIDN'T REALLY KNOW WHAT TO DO. "MY FRIDGE QUIT TED," HE BLURTED. "IT BURNED OUT. IT WAS AN OLD FRIDGE ANYWAY." "ARE YOU GOING TO SEE IF IT CAN BE REPAIRED," I ASKED. "NO, IT'S GONE. NO POINT TRYING TO FIX IT. I'M JUST NOT TOO SURE WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT," HE SAID. "I GUESS I NEED A NEW ONE, BUT THERE'S A PROBLEM." WELL, I KNEW IT COULDN'T BE MONEY, BECAUSE DAVE ALWAYS SEEMED TO HAVE A WAD OF CASH FOR OLD BOOK PURCHASES. SURELY HE COULD AFFORD A NEW FRIDGE.

"I'VE GOT THE MONEY," HE SAID, BUT THERE WAS A WILLPOWER ISSUE COMING NEXT…..I KNEW IT. "TED, I'VE GOT MANY THOUSANDS OF BOOKS IN THE WAY, THAT WOULD HAVE TO BE CLEARED OUT FIRST, BEFORE I COULD EVEN THINK OF MOVING THE FRIDGE OUTSIDE," HE REPORTED. A NUMBER OF CLOSE FRIENDS WERE DENIED ACCESS TO HIS HOME, INCLUDING A MINISTER FRIEND, AND THERE WERE ONLY SEVERAL OVER THE DECADES, ALLOWED TO PASS THAT SAME FRIDGE ON THE WAY IN. IT WAS EVEN MORE CLUTTERED NOW, AND IT WAS GOING TO BE A MONSTER OF A JOB, RE-LOCATING THE BOOKS IN THE WAY, IN ORDER TO GET A NEW ONE INSIDE.

NOW WHAT YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND IS THIS. WHEN THE EXECUTORS BEGAN REMOVING THE BOOKS IN THE HOUSE, IN PREPARATION FOR THE ESTATE AUCTION, TO BE HELD ELSEWHERE, THEY MADE A FUNDAMENTAL ERROR THAT NEARLY CAUSED A CAVE-IN OF THE ENTIRE FIRST FLOOR. DAVE HAD HIS BOOKS, ON SHELVES, PILED SO HIGH N THE BASEMENT, THEY WERE ACTUALLY WEDGED TIGHTLY AGAINST THE FLOOR JOIST. WHEN THE BOOKS WERE SLOWLY REMOVED, THE CREAKING AND ASSORTED SOUNDS OF A SHIFTING HOUSE, MADE THEM RE-ASSESS THEIR REMOVAL PROTOCOL. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU HEARD THIS ONE? THE BOOKS WERE LOAD BEARING, AND THE INTEGRITY OF THE FIRST FLOOR DEPENDED ON REMOVING THOSE BOOKS UPSTAIRS FIRST. SUZANNE YELLS AT ME FOR BRINGING HOME MORE BOOKS, FROM OUR BUYING ADVENTURES, BUT I REMIND HER THAT I'VE NEVER ONCE HAD "LOAD BEARING" BOOK PILES IN MY COLLECTION.

DAVE ALSO HAD A STRATEGY OF NEVER KILLING SPIDERS IN HIS HOUSE, AS THEY CONSUMED ALL THE WEE BEASTIES THAT MIGHT FEED ON HIS BOOKS. STRANGE BUT TRUE TO DAVE, WHO BY THE WAY WAS A VERY ACCOMPLISHED OUTDOOR EDUCATOR.

I'M NOT SURE IF DAVE EVER DID GET A NEW FRIDGE. I DO KNOW THAT THE PLUMBING IN HIS HOUSE WAS DAMAGED, AND CERTAIN PLACES WERE CUT-OFF FROM RUNNING WATER ALTOGETHER, AND YES, THE TRUTH IS, HE WASHED HIS DISHES IN THE BATH-TUB. INDEED, IT WAS DISTURBING TO THE EXECUTORS, WHO WHILE STILL LOVING THE GUY, KNEW THAT HE'D EXPERIENCED SOME PROBLEMS HE DIDN'T WANT TO FACE. NOT JUST A BUSTED FRIDGE.

I DON'T THINK I EVER ONCE REFERRED TO DAVE BROWN AS A HOARDER. I CALLED HIM A LOT OF THINGS…..SOME UNDER MY BREATH, BUT IT WOULDN'T HAVE CROSSED MY MINE, THAT DAVE WOULD BE SO TIGHTLY PACKED INTO HIS HOUSE, WITH 100,000 BOOKS, THAT HE COULDN'T CHANGE A FRIDGE OVER, OR HAVE A PLUMBER FIX HIS WATERLINES. BUT IT IS EXACTLY WHAT EVERYONE CONNECTED HAD TO DEAL WITH, WHEN THE ESTATE WAS BEING DISPERSED. IT'S ALSO TRUE THAT MANY VALUABLE BOOKS WERE NOT TREATED WITH THE RESPECT WE ASSUMED OF MR. BROWN, AND THIS WAS BECAUSE HE HAD SIMPLY COLLECTED TOO MUCH, FOR WHAT HE COULD SENSIBLY AND SAFELY CONSERVE.

I REMEMBER ONE DAY, HIM COMING TO THE HOUSE WITH A LOAD OF LUMBER, SOME TARPS, CEMENT BLOCKS, AND ASKING HIM WHAT HE WAS PLANNING TO BUILD IN HAMILTON. "I'VE GOT TO BUILD A LITTLE SHED FOR SOME THINGS I NEED TO STORE," HE ANSWERED. I COULD HAVE ASKED WHY HE DIDN'T JUST GET HIMSELF AN ALUMINUM SHED BUT I KNEW BETTER. DAVE WAS A LITTLE CHEAP. I DON'T KNOW IF IT WAS TRUE OR NOT, BUT I GOT THE IMPRESSION HE WAS PLANNING TO STORE EVEN MORE BOOKS, THIS TIME, IN A HANDMADE SHELTER ROOFED WITH A TARP. YOU LEARNED TO LET DAVE DO HIS THING, AND AVOID OFFERING AN OPINION WHERE IT WASN'T DESIRED. IN HIS MIND, HE FOUND SOLUTIONS, SAVED A BUCK, AND EVERYTHING TURNED OUT PEACHY. BUT THEN THAT WAS DELUSIONAL THINKING.

TRUTHFULLY, DAVE WAS EMBARRASSED BY HIS JAMMED-UP HOUSEHOLD. EVEN IF I'D SHOWN UP ON HIS DOORSTEP, I WOULD NOT HAVE FOUND DAVE VERY ACCOMMODATING. THAT'S WHY I NEVER MADE ANY SURPRISE VISITS. OTHERS DID, AND WERE SHOCKED BY WHAT THEY SAW THROUGH THE OPEN DOOR.

I'VE NOTED THIS BEFORE, BUT SUZANNE HAS HAD TO REMIND ME ABOUT MY OWN EXCESSES MANY TIMES. I'M NOT REALLY A HOARDER, ALTHOUGH THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DAVE AND I, IS THAT MY WIFE STAYED FOR THE LONG-HAUL, WHEN HIS LEFT AT ABOUT 35,000 BOOKS……AND TURTLES IN THE BATH-TUB. DAVE'S FATHER, ONE OF THE EARLY ADMINISTRATES OF THE HAMILTON GENERAL HOSPITAL, HAD DIED WHEN DAVE WAS STILL QUITE YOUNG, AND THE WELL OFF FAMILY, OF SURVIVING MOTHER AND CHILD, HAD A TOUGH TIME MAKING ENDS MEET. MRS. BROWN WORKED AT MCMASTER UNIVERSITY, IN THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE I BELIEVE, AND NEEDED THE MONEY SO BADLY, SHE WORKED THROUGH RETIREMENT AGE BY SEVERAL YEARS, UNTIL SHE WAS FOUND OUT, AND TOLD TO RETIRE. DAVE AND HIS MOTHER DID NOT GET ALONG, AND IT WAS A SUBJECT ONE DIDN'T BRING UP CASUALLY OR OTHERWISE. SO HE HAD ISSUES BUT WAS STALWART ABOUT LEADING THE LIFE HE DESIRED, AND RIGHT UP TO ONLY DAYS BEFORE HIS DEATH, (AND KNOWING THE END WAS NEAR), GOT A FRIEND TO SPRING HIM FROM HOSPITAL, TO VISIT ONE OF HIS FAVORITE BOOK STORES. "YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO FIND A GOOD BOOK."

HE BENEFITTED A GREAT MANY PEOPLE WITH THE BOOKS HE HAD COLLECTED, INCLUDING MCMASTER UNIVERSITY, AND CLOSE FRIENDS IN THE RESEARCH BUSINESS, NEEDING THESE INFORMATION-LADEN OLD TEXTS, HE HAD FOUND ALL OVER THE PLACE, ON HIS MANY, MANY BUYING ADVENTURES. HE WAS IN MANY WAYS LIKE A JACKSON POLLOCK ABSTRACT……THAT MADE SENSE THE LONGER YOU LOOKED AT IT…..THAN IT DID FROM JUST A PASSING GLANCE.

I HAVE THE LITTLE SKETCH THAT SUZANNE THINKS LOOKS LIKE DAVE BROWN, HANGING A SLIGHTLY ASKEW, ABOVE THE SIDE OF MY DESK, AND MORE AND MORE I SEE THE RESEMBLANCE, AND IF I CAN GET A LITTLE LAUGH OUT OF IT, WHEN REMEMBERING MY OLD FRIEND, THEN IT WAS A GOOD INVESTMENT. THROUGH A LOT OF TENSE MOMENTS, AND STIRRING ADVENTURES, WE BOTH LIKED A GOOD LAUGH FOR WHAT AILED US, AT THAT PRECISE MOMENT. I CAN'T WRITE A SINGLE WORD ABOUT THIS MAN, WITHOUT BEING SERIOUS ABOUT OUR FRIENDSHIP. AT TIMES IT REALLY SCREWS WITH OBJECTIVITY, AND CRITIQUE WHICH ARE NECESSARY EVILS OF REPRESENTATIVE BIOGRAPHY. I HALF EXPECT ANY TIME NOW, TO HAVE THAT BIG MITT OF A HAND, SLAP DOWN ON MY SHOULDER, HOPEFULLY, AS BEFORE, TO LET ME KNOW HE'S OKAY WITH THE STORY. IF NOT, HE MIGHT WELL GIVE ME A SPIRITED ROUND-HOUSE ON THE CHIN.