Antiques , Anecdotes and LIARS' CLUB

ON THE JOB ANTIQUE TUTORIALS - AT THE BIRCH HOLLOW "LIAR'S CLUB"

COLLECTORS, DEALERS AND SIGNIFICANT OTHERS WERE GREAT STORY SPINNERS

ADOPTING THE NAME "LIARS' CLUB" OFFERED A PERFECT PARALLEL TO WHAT I EXPERIENCED ALMOST DAILY, AT OUR BRACEBRIDGE ANTIQUE SHOP. BORROWED FROM TORONTO SUN COLUMNIST, PAUL RIMSTEAD'S BOOK, "COCKTAILS AND JOCKSTRAPS," THE "LIARS' CLUB, WHICH ALSO MET DAILY, AT HIS FAVORITE BAR IN SAN MIGUEL, MEXICO, ACTUALLY MEANT THE "LITERARY, INTELLECTUAL, ARTISTIC, READING SOCIETY." THEY GOT TOGETHER AT "LA CUCARACHA" BAR, AND SHARED ALL THE NEWS OF THE DAY, FROM HOME AND ABROAD, AND THERE WAS ALCOHOL INVOLVED. RIMMER WAS SUPPOSED TO BE WRITING A BOOK, BUT GOT CAUGHT-UP IN THE WORK OF THE LIARS' CLUB, ATTEMPTING, ONE STORY AT A TIME, TO MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE TO LIVE.

OUR MEETING PLACE WAS DIFFERENT, OF COURSE, IN THAT IT WASN'T A BAR, AND THERE WAS NO LIQUOR EXCEPT THE OCCASIONAL BRANDY-FILLED CHOCOLATES AT CHRISTMAS. THE SMALL, JAMMED-TO-THE-RAFTERS SHOP, DID HAVE SOME ANTIQUE PIECES THAT COULD HAVE BEEN USED TO DECORATE A BAR OR PUB, BUT THERE WAS NO BOOZE TO LUBRICATE CONVERSATION. THERE WERE NO BAR STOOLS, AND THOSE ATTENDING OUR HAPPENSTANCE MEETINGS, JUST STOOD IN FRONT OF MY COUNTER, AND HAD CONSIDERABLE ROOM TO WANDER THE SHOP, WHILE STILL BEING WITHIN EAR-SHOT, SO AS TO ALWAYS BE IN ON THE CONVERSATIONS. WE HAD SOME DANDIES. A FEW ARGUMENTS TOO. NOTHING THAT CAME TO BLOWS, OF COURSE, AS WE WERE QUITE CIVILIZED EVEN IN OUR DISAGREEMENTS.

THE IMPORTANT PREAMBLE HERE, IS THAT I HAD BEEN EDITOR OF THE LOCAL NEWSPAPER BEFORE OPENING THE ANTIQUE SHOP, ON UPPER MANITOBA STREET. I'D WRITTEN A LONG-RUNNING COLUMN ENTITLED "COLD COFFEE," AMONGST OTHERS IN SISTER PUBLICATIONS. IT WAS VERY MUCH A RIMSTEAD INSPIRED WEEKLY OPINION PIECE, ABOUT LOCAL CURRENT EVENTS, SPORTS, AND WELL, LIVING TOO HARD FOR MY OWN GOOD. I SHARED THIS OVER-IMBIBING THING WITH RIMSTEAD AND WHEN WE OPENED THE SHOP, I HAD ACTUALLY BEEN SOBER FOR ABOUT TWO YEARS, AS A PROMISE TO SUZANNE. I WAS JUST AS CAUSTIC BUT NOT DRUNK AND CAUSTIC. BUT A LOT OF THE OLD COLUMN OPINIONS WERE STILL FLOURISHING, EXCEPT THIS TIME, I WAS IN A RATHER UNIQUE BUSINESS, WHERE THE CLIENTELE WAS A LOT DIFFERENT THAN THE READERSHIP I HAD WITH THE NEWSPAPER. THIS TOOK A LOT OF ADJUSTMENT. SOMETIMES THE LIARS'S CLUB TOPICS OF DISCUSSION WERE A LITTLE TOO HEAVY FOR THE ANTIQUE CROWD…..TRYING TO SHOP BETWEEN THE POLITICS AND THE PUNDITS, TRYING TO OUT-SMART EACH OTHER, WITH CLEVER ANECDOTES AND PRECEDENTS. IT'S TRUE, WE DID SCARE OFF THE PACIFISTS. A FEW OF THE HALE AND HARDY COLLECTORS JOINED IN, AND IT WAS QUITE REFRESHING TO GET A NEW OPINION NOW AND AGAIN. THE LIARS' CLUB POINT OF VIEW COULD GET A LITTLE STALE. WE DIDN'T HAVE TOO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT, SO WE RE-PLAYED A LOT OF STUFF, TO HEAR OURSELVES TALK.

AT THE TIME, THE MEMBERS OF THE CLUB WERE OF PARTICULAR IMPORTANCE TO ME. I HAD GONE FROM AN EDITORSHIP, TO BEING A MR. MOM, FOR MY YOUNG SONS, TO A MAIN STREET ANTIQUE DEALER. NOT THAT I WAS NEW TO ANTIQUES, BECAUSE I'D BEEN TRAVELLING THIS ROAD FOR MANY YEARS…..AND IN THE LATE 1970'S WAS IN A PARTNERSHIP WITH MY PARENTS, IN A COMBINATION ANTIQUE AND GIFT SHOP JUST, A BLOCK DOWN MANITOBA STREET. BUT THIS TIME, I WAS THE MAIN MAN. I HAD VERY LITTLE SALES EXPERIENCE TO THAT POINT. I WAS AN ANTIQUE HUNTER. A FURNITURE RE-FINISHER. DEFINITELY NOT A SALES PERSON. SUZANNE HAD A HUGE AMOUNT OF RETAIL EXPERIENCE, BUT DURING THE WEEKDAYS SHE WORKED AT THE LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL, WHERE SHE TAUGHT IN THE FAMILY STUDIES DEPARTMENT. SO I HAD TO LEARN ON THE JOB. MISTAKES. NAME IT, AND I COMMITTED IT, AS AN ERROR. I USED TO DREAD WHEN SUZANNE WOULD WALK OVER FROM THE SCHOOL, TO HAVE LUNCH WITH ME……AND TO LOOK AT THE SALES BOOKS. I HATE TO SAY THIS, BUT I WAS ALWAYS HAPPIER WHEN THERE WASN'T A SINGLE SALE IN THE BOOK, BECAUSE SHE'D JUST SAY "OH WELL, THINGS WILL GET BETTER." IT WAS WHEN I HAD SALES, AND SCREWED UP THE ACCOUNTING, THAT USED TO SET HER OFF ON A TIRADE…..WAVING THE CALCULATOR UNDER MY NOSE. "WHY CAN'T YOU USE THIS THING PROPERLY TED," SHE'D SCOLD……MILDLY AT FIRST BUT IT GOT WORSE. FOR THOSE FIRST FEW YEARS, BY GOLLY, MY SCREW-UP AVERAGE WAS JUST ABOUT FIFTY PERCENT OF ALL SALES. MOSTLY IT WAS THE SALES TAX THAT SCREWED ME UP. SIMPLE? OF COURSE IT WAS. NOT ROCKET SCIENCE….JUST A SIMPLE CALCULATION. SO I STARTED ROUNDING NUMBERS OFF WITH THE IDEA IT WOULD MAKE THE 8 PERCENT TAX EASIER TO FIGURE OUT. WELL THAT DIDN'T WORK, SO I STARTED TO INCLUDE TAX, WHICH NEARLY MADE SUZANNE IMPLODE. SHE ACTUALLY CAME TO APPROVE OF IT, BECAUSE AT LEAST, SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO UNDO A GAZILLION MISTAKES IN THE SALES BOOK. WE WERE SO BROKE AS DEALERS, WE COULDN'T AFFORD A CASH REGISTER. WE HAD THE TRUSTY METAL CASH BOX, A PEN, A NOTEPAD, AND THE RECEIPT BOOK. AND A FEW BUCKS FOR THE TILL. WE ALSO HAD ONE OF THE CUMBERSOME, SLIDING CREDIT CARD MACHINES I LOVED TO MESS UP. DID THESE MISADVENTURES EVER COST ME? OH BOY!

"How is it that you can sit down and write a breaking news story in fifteen minutes, in time for deadline….with a publisher breathing down your neck, but you can't write out, and calculate a sale in the receipt book," Suzanne asked of her writer husband. "It's the lack of the drink," I'd retort. "How so," she demanded. "When I was drinking heavily, I never would have agreed to open an antique shop in the first place," I responded, with a hint of whimper in my voice, so she wouldn't hurt me with the next line of inquiry." I was a giant of a man with the editor's privilege on The Herald-Gazette masthead, but a pathetic excuse for a sales clerk, in a business that really needed competence in retail protocol. So what I didn't do so well, I made up for in other ways. Like having the kind of shop worth hanging around in, because everyone was invited to participate in the conversation in progress. I can't calculate (now that shouldn't be any surprise) how many significant discussions we had in that shop……besides the discussion of world events, and politicians we would never, ever vote for, even on a dare. We had an opportunity to share stories about antiques, heritage matters, shop-keeping and prizes we kept in our personal collections.

The members of the LIARS' CLUB, were all congenial folks, and the membership was open to everyone who had the willingness to share a story or opinion. We had three women in the mix, and about five males, but this number could climb to about ten, depending on the weather. Quite a few were from out of town, and wouldn't drive in bad weather……even in the summer. What would happen, and possibly, as an antique dealer or collector, you've experienced the same on your travels….., that visitors to the shop would often participate in these sales counter forums. Especially if we happened to be talking about history….which was frequent, as I was often engaged, in those years, working on a plethora of research projects…….especially when business was slow. So thusly, I got a hell of a lot done in those thin economic years. What happened over time, was that these discussions became much like intimate university tutorials, with one of the most proficient in a respective field, actually teaching us about everything from archives organization, gun collecting, militaria collections, the inner-child joys of toy collecting, sports card investing, primitive furniture valuations, you name it……it was discussed and debated in the basement of Birch Hollow Antiques.

Being a long serving "generalist" antique dealer, and collector of art and books, I have never turned away from a good, nuts and bolts discussion of these areas of interest, as they are all important to the hunter-gatherer, who never knows what he's going to come back with, on the very next shopping adventure. Over the years we had experts join us from hundreds of antique collecting disciplines, and I've got to tell you, that while not to suggest reference books became secondary considerations, these "antique chats" were the kind of immersion a generalist dealer / collector needs. We had military and cultural historians joining us for our regular LIARS' CLUB meetings, even though we didn't know their specialties at first. There were many times when one or two of the regulars at Birch Hollow, found they had something personal in common with the guest conversationalist, and the discussion could take on a whole new significance. As well, we would have many dealers show up, and the discussions became hugely entertaining, because surprisingly enough, we, in this business, tend to stock-pile anecdotes about our business dealings…..just as I'm offering these reminiscences via this blog-site. We'd be in near hysterics, re-telling stories about auction sales and flea markets, annoying customers, and misadventure. Despite what you think, antique dealers aren't as stern and unmovable as you may believe. While a social-gathering of antique folks may not involve excessive prank-playing and alcohol consumption, it doesn't mean someone or other won't be swinging from the chandelier if the mood strikes. We're just a tad reserved about some things, like trade secrets. Being in a room of conversing antique dealers, would provide the kind of banter you'd expect amongst a group of practicing alchemists and or, magicians. Sharing too much can prove dangerous. I'm not going to tread on that thin ice. Suffice to say, there are times we drop our guard, and share in on a good laugh about the industry follies, of which there should be a compendium written for general entrainment.

One of our respected contributors, and a master of decorating with antiques, came into the shop one afternoon, and joined-in on the general discussion of the LIARS' CLUB hangers-on at counter-side. The conversation between two other dealers in the store at the time, had been discussing some of the more awkward, intrusive moments of shop-keeping. It was a pretty conservative back and forth at that point. So this elderly woman said, "Oh, that's nothing compared to some of the situations I've had to deal with at my shop." She started out by describing a customer she found a true and utter jerk, who always nickel and dimed her about price and discounts. Half the time, she said, he'd spend about a half hour beating her down in price, and then instead of nodding that he would take the subject piece, he'd stare into her eyes, and say, "I'm going to think about it for awhile, then I'll let you know." "He'd do it all the time, and never come back for that particular piece. It used to drive me nuts, because I invested so much time trying to compromise, and be otherwise accommodating to a regular customer." So on one occasion, that would become the watershed of new opinion, she had suffered through the exact same discussion, with the gentleman, about a cupboard he wanted. Once again, the same old-same old!!! "So I offered him a substantially lower price, and even suggested he could make regular payments if that suited him best. He just looked at me, put his hand to his chin, hummed and mumbled something or other, and said, as usual, 'let me think about it'." This wasn't the best part of the story, although we all knew customers like that. "I had to go to the bathroom real bad, so I ushered him out the door, locked it, and turned the sign to 'closed.' I was going to be awhile. I didn't want to be disturbed. So right in the middle of my sojourn on the toilet, I hear the banging on the front door. Whoever it is wants in real bad. I can't stand the banging any more, so I cut the bathroom visit short, run out to get the door. I can't believe it's the same guy." She said he looked perturbed about the delay getting to the door, and went right over to the furniture piece he'd been interested in. "Would you take…….." he asked, offering some low-ball figure. He must have known she was still in agony, because he got a much better price, as the dealer was obviously interested in unloading the customer by this point. "Ummmm," was his response, probably sensing he could have got it for even less if he had persisted with negotiations. "I'll think about it," he said. A usually calm individual, who always treated her customers fairly, she let loose on him something fierce…..giving him the old bum's rush to the front door. "Hey, you know that piece," she asked of the customer. "Yes," he yelled back with his back arched with her foot pushing him out the door. "Well, it's sold. See ya!"

Another shopkeeper from north Muskoka, told much the same story, except it didn't have a bathroom connection. In this story, almost the same situation occurred, regarding some major furniture piece, and a very similar situation as the woman above, spoke of, to the LIARS'S CLUB. After numerous weekend visits to the shop, the couple wanting the antique dining room set (I'm only guessing), had been given the dealer's rock bottom price. But the one-sided negotiation continued, as the dealer grabbed up the "closed" sign, and politely bid the customers farewell. "I was tired that day. Both my wife and I had been re-finishing pieces from early in the morning, and the shop was much busier that Saturday, than was usual for the fall season. My wife made us a nice dinner, and we were just sitting down at the table. Then came the knocks on the door. We couldn't see who it was, so I had to answer it. There they were. The two of them, looking to have another go at the table again. They were now trespassing between a closed shop and my hot dinner on the table. So I wasn't impressed to hear their final offer, which was way below what I had told them a half hour earlier was going to be my bottom line. So I did what anyone would do under similar circumstances. I said good evening for the second time, closed the door, and returned to have my dinner." He and his wife watched the couple walking back to the car, yelling at each other about the dining room set that "got away." He noted that it was one of the great disadvantages of working off your own property, making it so difficult to separate off-hours from business-as-usual. Customers don't see anything wrong with pursuing what they want at all cost, even if its a dealer's privacy.

The story above contains as much fiction as fact, and the kind of embellishment you'd expect after all these years of being told and re-told, as a sort of antique dealer legend. It did happen and this kind of situation with customers, happens all the time…..and for some, almost daily. It was what convinced me I had no business being a front-liner in such a business. Even as editor I was well known for my foul demeanor on press day, and it carried over to the sales desk of Birch Hollow Antiques. So on more than just a few occasions, over my six years as a shop-keep, I removed a lot of problem customers, and it didn't matter a fig that I was losing money each time there was an ejection. I've got a lot of stories about these customers to share. So stay tuned.

Thanks for joining this blog. Hope you found it interesting….if not exciting.

WINTER CARNIVAL SONG GETS A PRETTY GOOD EARLY REVIEW

WHEN YOU'VE GOT MUSICIANS IN THE FAMILY, YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE AVAILABLE RESOURCE. ANDREW AND ROBERT THINK NOTHING OF ASKING DAD TO WHIP THEM UP A PRESS RELEASE FOR THEIR UPCOMING BENEFIT CONCERTS, SO I DON'T FEEL INTRUSIVE WHATSOEVER, ASKING THEM TO WRITE A SONG OR TWO FOR A GOOD CAUSE. I ASKED THEM EARLY IN THE NEW YEAR, TO CONSIDER WRITING AND PERFORMING A THEME SONG FOR THE NEWLY REVITALIZED GRAVENHURST WINTER CARNIVAL, COMING UP AT THE END OF FEBRUARY. IT WAS THE FIRST TIME I'D ASKED FOR A WHOLE SONG TO BE WRITTEN. NORMALLY I JUST ASK THEM TO MOVE SOME OF OUR ANTIQUE FURNITURE, OR GIVE ME A PUSH WHEN I'M STUCK ON ICE IN THE DRIVEWAY. ADMITTEDLY IT WAS A TALL ORDER. BUT THE BOYS HAVE ALWAYS LIKED A CHALLENGE, MORESO AS MUSICIANS.

I ASKED IF THEY WOULD CONSIDER CREATING A WINTER CARNIVAL THEME SONG, AS AN ACT OF VOLUNTEERISM, TO HELP OUT THE FOLKS WHO HAVE DEDICATED SO MUCH TIME OVER THE PAST COUPLE OF YEARS, TO BRING BACK THE LOCAL COMPONENT OF THE ORIGINAL MUSKOKA WINTER CARNIVAL, WHICH DATED BACK TO THE WINTER OF 1971. I TOLD THEM THAT BY DOING THIS, THEY WOULD BE JOINING THE RANKS OF PERFORMERS LIKE HOWARD CABLE AND HIS ORCHESTRA, AND BRAD AND BONNIE VEITCH, WHO HAVE CREATED WINTER CARNIVAL THEME MUSIC IN THE PAST. THEY THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE A NEAT IDEA, AND WENT TO WORK WITH THE GROUP "PRESSURE POINT," WITH LEAD SINGER DANI O'CONNOR AND GUITARIST AARON BINDER. SUZANNE, WELL, SHE OFFERED TO CREATE THE WINTER CARNIVAL "SKOKIE" SCARVES, FOR THE BAND MEMBERS TO WEAR IN THE VIDEO, WHICH WILL EVENTUALLY ACCOMPANY THE NEW SONG ABOUT TO BE WRITTEN. SINCE EARLY JANUARY, SUZANNE, IN THE EVENINGS, HAS PRODUCED SIX FULL LENGTH SCARVES, MITTS, AND A HAT SO FAR, WITH TWO MORE SCARVES IN PRODUCTION. I'VE JUST BEEN THE MEDIA CONSULTANT AND OCCASIONAL EDITORIALIST. WELL FOLKS, I'D KNIT, BUT GOD HAD OTHER PLANS FOR THESE HANDS.

BY LATE SUNDAY NOW, WE EXPECT THE SONG AND VIDEO WILL MAKE IT TO "YOU-TUBE." SO FAR, ALL THOSE WHO HAVE HEARD THE ROUGH COPY, THINK IT WILL BE A FITTING TRIBUTE TO THE CARNIVAL AND THE WINTER OTTER. THERE'S STILL SOME POLISHING LEFT TO DO, AND A CHORUS TO BE ADDED, BUT BY GOLLY, THEY'VE MADE OLD DAY PROUD. I HOPE THE FOLKS HERE IN GRAVENHURST, WILL COME OUT AND PARTICIPATE IN THIS RE-INCARNATED EVENT, AND SHOW THE VOLUNTEERS HOW MUCH THEY APPRECIATE THEIR EFFORT TO RESTORE A WONDERFUL WINTER-TIME TRADITION…..FOR HOMETOWNERS AND GUESTS. MAYBE YOU'LL LIKE IT SO MUCH, YOU'LL JOIN THE VOLUNTEERS FOR NEXT YEAR.

I'LL PROVIDE YOU WITH A LINK TO THE SONG, THE MOMENT THE BOYS POST-IT, BY THE END OF THE WEEKEND. LET US, LET THEM KNOW, WHAT YOU THINK OF THE SONG. FEEDBACK IS IMPORTANT TO THEM.

POOL HOLDS WATER - NOW THAT'S GOOD NEWS

MORE THAN JUST A FEW PEOPLE AROUND GRAVENHURST AND VICINITY, HAVE BEEN WONDERING ALOUD, IF THE LEVEL OF GULL LAKE WAS GOING TO RISE, WHEN THE WATER WAS ADDED TO THE NEW POOL FACILITY, AT THE REFURBISHED RECREATION CENTRE ACROSS THE ROAD. WITH ALL THE RECENT TILE AND GROUT ISSUES, (FALLING OFF AND STUFF) ONE HAD TO WONDER IF THE WHOLE PROJECT WAS GOING TO HOLD WATER AT ALL. AFTER MYRIAD ALLEGATIONS AND DELAYS ENCOUNTERED OVER THE PAST SEVERAL YEARS, EVEN THE HARSHEST CRITICS OF THE PROJECT, HAD THEIR FINGERS CROSSED THAT THE POOL WOULD HOLD ITS CONTENTS. SPEAKING ON BEHALF OF WORN-DOWN TAXPAYERS, WORRYING ABOUT THE OPERATIONAL COSTS WE'RE GOING TO INCUR, THIS MORNING'S NEWS THAT WATER HAD SUCCESSFULLY BEEN PUMPED INTO THE POOL, WITHOUT LEAKAGE, MADE US ALL A LITTLE MORE CHEERFUL TO START THE DAY. WE HOPE IT IS EVERYTHING IT HAS BEEN TOUTED TO BE. IT HAS BEEN A PROJECT HOUNDED, AND YES, POUNDED BY NEGATIVES TO THIS POINT. WE COULD DO WITH UPBEAT REPORTS THAT DON'T START WITH "RE-SCHEDULED OPENING," OR "A MINOR DELAY," OR EVEN "GLITCH EXPERIENCED."

WE HAVE ALL PAID A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS FACILITY. THE TAXPAYERS OF CANADA, THIS PROVINCE…..INCLUDING THE STAKEHOLDERS IN THIS COMMUNITY, HAVE INVESTED A HUGE AMOUNT OF CAPITAL, TO IMPROVE RESOURCES FOR THE IMPROVEMENT OF COMMUNITY RECREATION. NOW LET'S ALL GET THE MOST FOR OUR TAX INVESTMENT. PLEASE SUPORT THIS EXCITING, DYNAMIC NEW FACILITY IN OUR TOWN.