GRAVENHURST'S RED PIANO DIDN'T SEE ITS SHADOW….IT'S GROUNDHOG DAY EXCEPT IN GRAVENHURST
RED PIANO DAY?
WEATHER HOBBYISTS AND SUNDRY OTHER TRADITIONALISTS, WATCHED WITH GREAT INTEREST, THE MUCH RESPECTED, ANNUAL PROGNOSTICATIONS OF WIARTON WILLY, AND Punxsutawney PHIL, OF GOBBLER'S KNOB, PENNSYLVANIA,……. AS THEY WERE BROUGHT OUT INTO THE FROSTY MORNING ENVIRONS. I HEARD SIX MORE WEEKS OF WINTER. THAT MIGHT BE NICE, CONSIDERING WE STILL HAVEN'T HAD AN ACTUAL CANADIAN WINTER YET.
IN GRAVENHURST, WE HAD OUR VERY OWN, "RED PIANO," AS A GROUNDHOG SUBSTITUTE (OTHER THAN MY OVERWEIGHT CAT, WHICH ON A MORNING WADDLE, ALSO DIDN'T SEE ITS SHADOW), WHICH MAY BE SEEN, AS THE REAL HARBINGER OF SOMETHING THAT COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN, SOMETIME IN THE FUTURE. MAYBE. WE'RE NOT SURE. BUT YOU NEVER KNOW. ONE THING IS FOR SURE, IF YOU TOOK A FEW MOMENTS ON YOUR DRIVE-BY THIS MORNING, OR ON A MORNING STROLL, YOU WOULD NOT HAVE SEEN A "PIANO SHADOW." THE PIANO WAS STILL THERE. THUS, WELL, WE'RE NOT SURE, IN A LOCAL SENSE, WHAT THAT COULD MEAN OTHER THAN "STATUS QUO FOR ONE AND ALL." THAT'S SORT OF A REVELATION. NOT QUITE AS SOUGHT AFTER AS A GROUNDHOG'S SHADOW, BUT SOMETHING WITH A LOCAL SIGNIFICANCE.
MORE THAN A WEEK AGO, I REPORTED THAT THERE WAS A MOVE AFOOT TO REMOVE THE RED PIANO, NOW FRONTLESS AND BACKLESS THANKS TO WEATHER AND VANDALS, BUT ALAS, THE VACANT LOT, ON THE MAIN STREET, AS OF 8:30 A.M. ON THE OFFICIAL GROUNDHOG DAY, NOVEMBER 2ND, 2012, WAS OCCUPIED BY ONE LONELY, SOUL-LESS RED PIANO….WITHOUT EVEN THE DIGNITY OF A SHADOW. UNLESS IT WAS REMOVED, AND LIKE THE "CAT THAT CAME BACK," THE "RED WRECK" MAGICALLY RE-APPEARED ON THE PROMINENT MAIN STREET LOT.
THE PIANO, THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A BUSKER'S DELIGHT, ON THE MAIN STREET, DURING THE PAST SUMMER, WAS NEVER REALLY ANYTHING MORE THAN WISHFUL THINKING. BUSKERS DID GATHER, BUT ON THE OPPOSITE, SHADY SIDE OF THE MAIN STREET, THAT HAD THE NICE BENCH TO SIT ON. THE RED PIANO WAS BAKED BY THE SUN, AND SLOWLY DEMOLISHED BY RAIN, SNOW AND ANYTHING ELSE VANDALS COULD HIT IT WITH. ALL IN PLAIN VIEW OF THOSE WHO PASS BY, IN THIS BUSY TOWN.
AS WE READ ABOUT THE CHANGES COMING FOR THE MAIN STREET BUSINESS COMMUNITY, AND PROMISES OF A BETTER TOMORROW, THERE ARE A FEW TASKS THAT NEED TO BE LOOKED AFTER TODAY…..BECAUSE RIGHT NOW, THE PROGNOSTICATORS ARE LEANING TOWARD STATUS QUO, AS THE MOST LIKELY OUTCOME. IF YOU'RE TRYING TO REVITALIZE THE MAIN STREET BUSINESS COMMUNITY, ISN'T IT JUST RESPONSIBLE STEWARDSHIP, TO TAKE CARE OF A PREVAILING EYESORE…..THAT HAS BEEN AN EYESORE FOR MONTHS AND MONTHS. THERE ARE MANY CONTRADICTIONS AND HALF INTERESTS ALREADY SHOWING THROUGH THE FACADE, OF WHAT REVITALIZATION IS SUPPOSED TO MEAN. THE REAL START HERE, IN THIS NEW YEAR, IS TO HAVE THAT RED PIANO REMOVED. IF IT REMAINS, IT WILL BE A MONUMENT TO "ALL TALK AND NO ACTION." THE LONGER IT STAYS IN THAT LOCATION, THE LESS SERIOUS THE TOWN IS ABOUT MAIN STREET RENEWAL. SO IT REALLY IS A PROGNOSTICATOR AFTER ALL. CITIZENS SHOULD MAKE A POINT OF LETTING THEIR FEELINGS BE KNOWN ABOUT THIS, ESPECIALLY THOSE WHO ATTENDED THE MOST RECENT MEETING…..AND WERE NOT IMPRESSED ABOUT THE SHORTFALL OF PROGRESS MADE OVER THE PAST YEAR……SINCE THE LAST TIME PROMISES WERE MADE. IT'S NOT ENOUGH TO SPEND GRANT MONEY TO MAKE PHILOSOPHICAL IMPROVEMENTS, THAT LOOK GOOD ON PAPER, BUT WITHER IN REALITY. THE PIANO IS A SYMBOL OF MALAISE, AND LACK OF FOLLOW-THROUGH. THE LONGER IT STAYS ON THAT LOT, THE LESS ENTHUSIASTIC WE ARE ABOUT THE FULFILLMENT OF ACTION-PLANS FOR REVITALIZATION. THE PROOF, YOU MIGHT SAY, IS IN THE PIANO.
I HOPE IT'S GONE SOON. I WILL BE GLAD TO REPORT ON THIS, IF AND WHEN, THE SITUATION IS FINALLY RESOLVED.
BUT HAPPY GROUNDHOG DAY ANYWAY.
GROUNDHOG DAY AT BIRCH HOLLOW
AS THE WEATHER PATTERNS OF THE WORLD ARE PERPLEXING US ALL, AND ALARMING ENVIRONMENTALISTS ABOUT FUTURE CLIMATE CHANGE, MOST OF US JUST TAKE IT AS OUR WORLD'S NEW NORMAL, AND GET ON WITH THE DAY. I WON'T DENY MY OWN ANXIETY TODAY, BECAUSE FRANKLY, I THINK WE ARE FOOLS, NOT TO BE GENUINELY WORRIED ABOUT THE WELFARE OF THE GENERATIONS TO COME; OUR FAMILY MEMBERS. EVEN IN THE IMMEDIATE FUTURE. IT'S MOST CONVENIENT, IN OUR HECTIC LIVES, TO JUST SWITCH OFF THE NEWS BECAUSE IT WEIGHS EVERYTHING ELSE DOWN LIKE AN INVISIBLE ANCHOR. WE'VE BECOME PRETTY GOOD, MOST OF THE TIME, LOOKING THE OTHER WAY, AND GRAVITATING TOWARD MORE CONVENIENT TRUTHS, THAN THOSE PREVAILING EVERY DAY OF OUR LIVES.
THERE'S NOT TOO MUCH AVERAGE CITIZENS CAN DO TO CHANGE THE COURSE OF THE WORLD AT PRESENT. IT HAS BEEN REVEALED BY MANY EXPERTS IN THE FIELD, THAT IT IS ALREADY TOO LATE, AND THAT LEAVES US IN THE POSITION OF DOING WHAT WE CAN, BUT ALWAYS KNOWING IT'S NOT ENOUGH. TO THINK OF BEING FORCED TO SHARE THIS DECLINE, THAT WE HAVE INSPIRED, IS HARD TO TAKE. REGARDLESS OF HOW INNOCENT WE MAY FEEL WE ARE. TRYING TO GET A FOOT HOLD ON THIS SLIPPERY SLOPE, WILL BECOME INCREASINGLY DIFFICULT THE WAY WE ARE PROGRESSING IN POLLUTION, AND DIGRESSING IN THE WAYS TO STOP IT. THE POLITICAL WILL TO SAVE THE PLANET. WHERE IS IT. NOT IN CANADA. THEN WHERE?
I ALWAYS LOOKED FORWARD TO GROUND HOG DAY WHEN I WAS A KID. I LOVED BEING OUTDOORS THEN, AND IT'S PRETTY MUCH THE SAME TODAY. TODAY HOWEVER, I SEE CONSEQUENCES OF THE WAY WE HAVE LIVED. AND THE WAY WE ARE HEADED. AS AN OPTIMIST. WELL, I'M A FAILED ONE. IN THIS REGARD, AT LEAST.
WHAT NOT TO DO WITH A FIVE HUNDRED POUND CASH REGISTER -
THE CONVERSATION PIECE AT BIRCH HOLLOW ANTIQUES THAT ALMOST KILLED A GUY
DON'T KID YOURSELF. ANTIQUE DEALERS HAVE A LITTLE CARNEY IN THEM. A SMIDGEON OF THE CARNIVAL DNA. THE THREE RING CIRCUS PIZZAZ. ADVOCATES OF THE OCCASIONAL RAZZLE DAZZLE, TO SHOWCASE THEIR TREASURES. IF I HAD THE SKELETON OR THE SHRUNKEN HEAD I'VE BEEN HUNTING FOR AGES, I'D HAVE A GREAT GRAPHIC TO ACCOMPANY THIS BLOG…..AND MAYBE I'D MAKE OUR BOYS A GENEROUS OFFER, TO SHOWCASE IT IN THEIR GRAVENHURST MUSIC SHOP. THROW A COWBOY HAT ON THE SKELETON. PUT A SMALL ONE ON THE SHRUNKEN HEAD, AND NEXT THING YOU KNOW, THERE'S A LINE-UP OF GAWKERS TAKING A GANDER. WE DEALERS LIKE TO IMPRESS OUR CLIENTELE. IT'S AN AN ODD AND OLD PASSION, YOU SEE, TO "OUT-WOW" THE COMPETITION, WITH THE BEST OF THE BEST. MOSTLY, IT'S A SHOW OF "A" QUALITY ANTIQUES. MING VASES AND PAINTINGS BY THE MASTERS. SOMETIMES IT CAN GET KIND OF WEIRD, THIS ATTEMPT TO GET THE ULTIMATE SHOW-STOPPER. I'VE HAD A FEW INTERESTING PIECES OVER THE YEARS, THAT PEAKED CUSTOMERS' CURIOSITY, BUT ONE STICKS IN MY MIND. IT WAS A DANDY. NOT WEIRD. BUT A GREAT LOCAL ANTIQUE TO PLAY WITH.
A LOCAL BUSINESSMAN CAME IN ONE DAY, WITH A COUPLE OF PHOTOGRAPHS OF A LARGE VINTAGE PIECE, HE WANTED TO SELL.TO ME SPECIFICALLY, BECAUSE I HAD THE SPACE IT REQUIRED, AND AS HE POINTED OUT, "A GOOD CEMENT FLOOR," FOR IT TO SIT ON. THAT PEAKED MY CURIOSITY. IT WAS A HUGE CASH REGISTER, WHICH I BELIEVE WAS A NATIONAL (CAN'T BE SURE NOW), THAT WAS ATTACHED TO A SUBSTANTIAL WOODEN CABINET, THAT LOOKED LIKE A VICTROLA BASE. THERE WERE DRAWERS IN THE FRONT OF THE CABINET, AND WHEN YOU HIT A CERTAIN COMBINATION OF KEYS, THE APPROPRIATE ONE OPENED. IT WAS A MAGNIFICENT PIECE, AND I BOUGHT IT SIGHT-UNSEEN. WHEN IT WAS DELIVERED, ON A TROLLEY, I WAS SPEECHLESS. I SAT IT BESIDE MY SALES DESK, AND AS FAR AS I WAS CONCERNED, IT WAS THE MOST INTERESTING ANTIQUE PIECE I HAD OWNED, TO THAT POINT IN MY CAREER AS A DEALER.
BARRY MARSHALL, AND HIS ASSISTANT RON YEOMAN, HAD MOVED IT WITHOUT ANY FUSS WHATSOEVER, DOWN THE SINGLE FLIGHT OF STAIRS IN THE SHOP, AND POSITIONED IT PERFECTLY FOR MAXIMUM VISIBILITY. EVEN FROM THE TOP OF THE STAIRS, CUSTOMERS COULD SEE THE HUGE OAK AND BRASS CASH REGISTER. BARRY DID WARN ME, THAT IT WOULD TAKE A TROLLY, AND SEVERAL WEIGHT-LIFTERS TO GET IT OUT OF THE BASEMENT, IF AND WHEN IT SOLD. HE SHOWED ME HOW IT ALL WORKED, AND HOW EACH OF THE DRAWERS HAD A DIFFERENT CODE, AND A BELL BEFORE IT OPENED. ONE OF THE TRICKS, WAS TO AVOID GETTING HIT IN THE GROIN AREA, WHEN THAT PARTICULAR DRAWER SHOT-OUT OF THE MAIN CABINET. I SUPPOSE QUITE A FEW LADS FOUND OUT THE HARD WAY, WHY IT WAS NECESSARY TO STAND BACK A TAD, WHEN PLAYING WITH THOSE DRAWERS. IT HAPPENED TO A COUPLE OF MEMBERS OF THE BIRCH HOLLOW "LIAR'S CLUB," (LITERARY AND POLITICAL DEBATING SOCIETY) EVEN AFTER I WARNED THEM TO BE CAREFUL ABOUT MID-ZONE DRAWER OPENINGS. THE DRAWERS ONCE HELD INVOICES, AND THEY WERE LIKE A VERTICAL FILING CABINET.
WHAT WAS SPECTACULAR ABOUT THIS PIECE, WAS ITS ALMOST PRISTINE CONDITION. IT WORKED LIKE A CHARM. IT WAS A LATE 1900'S CASH REGISTER, IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY, AND IT JUST COMMANDED PEOPLE TO TAP AT IT, WHILE WAITING FOR ME TO RING UP A PURCHASE AT THE SALES COUNTER. NO I DIDN'T USE IT. I HAD AN OLD TIN BOX WITH A RECEIPT BOOK. KIDS AND THEIR PARENTS SPENT SOME QUALITY TIME, PLAYING WITH THAT AMAZING TECHNOLOGY OF YESTERYEAR. FOR A LONG TIME I DIDN'T WANT TO SELL IT. I DON'T REMEMBER PRECISELY WHAT I PAID FOR IT, BUT IT HAD BEEN A BARGAIN, I CAN TELL YOU THAT MUCH. BUT THEN, AS USUALLY HAPPENS IN THIS CRAZY BUSINESS, WE WENT THROUGH A ROUGH PATCH, AND IT SIMPLY BECAME NECESSARY TO OFFER IT FOR SALE. I STARTED HIGH. AND THAT'S EXACTLY THE PRICE IT SOLD FOR, AND ALTHOUGH IT TOOK ABOUT SIX MONTHS TO PAY OFF, IT HAD BEEN A PROFITABLE PURCHASE ON MY PART.
SUZANNE WASN'T SURE I'D MAKE A DIME OFF IT, BUT I PROVED HER WRONG. I LOVE DOING THAT. BESIDES, AS DEALERS, WE ARE WELL AWARE, SHOW-STOPPER PIECES, CAN ACTUALLY HELP SELL OTHER THINGS. POTENTIAL BUYERS WILL FEEL THAT ANYONE WHO WOULD HAVE A WONDERFUL PIECE LIKE THE CASH REGISTER, OBVIOUSLY KNOWS ANTIQUES VERY WELL. I'M NOT EVEN SURE, ANY MORE, WHAT THE ASKING PRICE WAS, BUT I'M PRETTY CONFIDENT IT WENT FOR ABOUT TWELVE HUNDRED DOLLARS, WHICH GAVE ME A SOLID MARK-UP FROM THE PURCHASE PRICE.
THE CASH REGISTER HAD ONCE BEEN OWNED BY BRACEBRIDGE'S MUSKOKA GARAGE, ON MANITOBA STREET, AND AS SOON AS MY FATHER-IN-LAW, NORM STRIPP, CAME INTO THE SHOP, HE FELL STRANGELY SILENT, FOR HIM, SEEING WHAT HE HAD LEANED-ON FOR SO MANY YEARS, IN THE "OLD DAYS" HANGING AROUND THE FORMER GARAGE. HE COULDN'T BELIEVE IT WAS STILL IN ONE PIECE. HE HADN'T SEEN IT IN ABOUT FORTY OR SO YEARS, AND ASSUMED IT WAS LONG GONE. SO WHEN HE WAS PLAYING WITH THE KEYS, AND BEFORE I COULD WARN HIM ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES, HE PUNCHED THE KEYS, DID A LITTLE DANCE BACK, AND WATCHED THE DRAWER COME WHIPPING OUT, GROIN-HIGH. "YOU SEE, I REMEMBER IT DOING THAT," HE SMIRKED. "I LOT OF GUYS GOT TAKEN IN MY THAT GAG, LET ME TELL YOU. MORE THAN A FEW GOT THEIR OWN BELLS RUNG."
I DON'T THINK THERE HAS BEEN ANOTHER PIECE IN OUR COLLECTION, THAT ATTRACTED SO MUCH ATTENTION, FOR THE YEAR OR SO WE OWNED THE CASH REGISTER. I WAS SAD TO SEE IT GO, TO BE HONEST, BUT THE MONEY WAS NICE TOO. THE ONLY GLITCH WAS ITS REMOVAL. WHEN THE YOUNG MAN CAME TO PICK UP THE CASH REGISTER, HE BROUGHT AN ELDERLY GERMAN CHAP, AND DID I MENTION THE GLOVES. THEY DID HAVE PROTECTIVE GLOVES. NOTHING ELSE. NO WEIGHT-LIFTERS, NO CART, AND NO SUITABLE VEHICLE, IF AND WHEN WE DID ACTUALLY RAISE IT FROM THE BASEMENT.
BUT WHAT THEY DID HAVE ON THEIR SIDE, OR SO THEY THOUGHT, WAS THAT KIND OF MISGUIDED, TESTOSTERONE DRIVEN, "MANLY MAN" APPROACH, BELIEVING THEY COULD RAISE THIS TITANIC PIECE UP THOSE STAIRS, BY WILLPOWER ALONE. LOTS OF BLUSTER AND BACK SLAPPING, AND DISPLAYS OF MUSCLES, SOME A LITTLE INVERTED FROM THE DAYS WHEN THEY FANCIED KICKING SAND IN THE FACES OF WEAKLINGS. GADS, I KNEW WE WERE SCREWED THE MOMENT I SAW ALF AND RALPH (FROM GREEN ACRES), PLANNING TO DEAD-LIFT THE UNIT UP THE STAIRS. A FEW OF THE LIAR'S CLUB, IN THE SHOP THAT MORNING, EXPRESSED GRAVE CONCERN ABOUT THE MAGNITUDE OF THE PROJECT, AND THAT BEING TOP-HEAVY, WAS GOING TO MAKE IT AS AWKWARD AS IT WAS OUTRAGEOUSLY HEAVY. THE GERMAN FELLOW WAS VERY ADAMANT THAT IT COULD BE DONE BY OLD FASHIONED "GUMPTION," AND GOD WILLING, PROPORTIONAL LEVERAGE. OKAY. WELL, IT WAS AFTER ALL, THEIR RESPONSIBILITY TO REMOVE THE UNIT FROM THE STORE. THEY DIDN'T PAY ME TO HAUL IT AWAY. SO I LET THEM CALL THE SHOTS.
NOW IT'S IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND A COUPLE OF DETAILS THAT WILL BETTER ILLUSTRATE THE SCENE, UNFOLDING HERE, IN THIS MANITOBA STREET BASEMENT-SHOP. IT WAS ABOUT NOON, ON A SATURDAY. ONE OF OUR BUSY DAYS. WE HAD ABOUT TWENTY CUSTOMERS IN THE SHOP AT THE TIME, SO I WASN'T ABLE TO DEVOTE MY TIME TO JUST ONE PROJECT. SO THE LIAR'S CLUB CRONIES, HELPED THE TWOSOME SLIDE THE CASH REGISTER THE LENGTH OF THE ROOM, UP TO THE BASE OF THE STAIRS. AT THE POINT THEY WERE SETTING ABOUT TO LIFT IT UP ONTO THE FIRST STAIR, IN THE PROGRESSION OF ABOUT TWELVE STEPS, I CAME AROUND THE COUNTER TO HELP OUT. ONE MUST ALSO APPRECIATE, THE CASH REGISTER WAS ABOUT TEN INCHES LESS THAN THE WIDE OF THE ACTUAL STAIRCASE. THIS MEANT ABOUT FIVE INCHES ON EACH SIDE TO GET OUR HANDS IN TO GUIDE IT UP THE STAIRS. THIS SHOULD HAVE CAUSED INITIAL CONCERN, BUT THE ELDER FELLOW WAS LATE FOR WORK, AND DIDN'T HAVE A LOT OF PATIENCE FOR THE JOB AT HAND. FAIR ENOUGH.
SO THE IDEA WAS THIS. THE GERMAN BLOKE, WAS AT THE FRONT, WITH THE STAIRS AT HIS BACK. NOW THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NO HUMAN WAY, TO DEAD LIFT THE CASH REGISTER IN THIS FASHION. WHEN WE TRIED TO POINT THIS OUT, THE CO-ORDINATOR OF THE JUMBO LIFT, SHOT BACK, "JUST PUSH LADS, PUSH!" I THOUGHT LIFT WAS THE WORD WE WERE WAITING FOR, NOT PUSH. SO BY JESUS, WE TRIED OUR BEST, FROM THE BACK SIDE, TO GET THAT UNIT UP ON THE FIRST STAIR. WE DID IT! WE PUSHED. AND PUSHED. IT WAS A MAGNIFICENT SHOW OF STRENGTH AND ENDURANCE. HERE'S A POINT AS WELL. WITH A TROLLY, WE WOULD HAVE BEEN UP THE STAIRS, AND OUT THE DOOR, IN THE SAME TIME IT TOOK US TO MAKE IT UP TO THE FIRST STEP. THIS IS WHEN THINGS GOT INTERESTING. WE GOT TO A POINT WITH THE LEAN OF THE UNIT, AS TOP HEAVY AS A CAR ON STILTS, THAT IT SIMPLY BECAME TOO MUCH FOR THE OLDTIMER ON THE STAIRS. GRADUALLY, THE GUY LOST HIS ABILITY TO KEEP IT UPRIGHT. WE HAD ALMOST NO SAY IN THE MATTER, BECAUSE THERE WAS LITTLE WAY OF BALANCING THE PIECE ONCE IT PASSED THE THRESHOLD, GRAVITY DOING THE REST.
I'D NEVER SEEN A GROWN MAN CRY LIKE THAT BEFORE. IT CAME OVER GRADUALLY, SO THERE WASN'T A BIG BANG OR ANYTHING. BUT THE FULL WEIGHT OF THE CASH REGISTER LANDED IN HIS CROTCH. NOT JUST THAT, BUT APPARENTLY HE WAS HITTING THE RIGHT BUTTONS, BECAUSE THE DRAWERS WERE SMASHING HIS LEGS LIKE HAMMERS. I THOUGHT THE GUY'S HEAD WAS GOING TO EXPLODE. SO WHAT TO DO NOW. THERE WAS NO MORE THAN FIVE INCHES OF CLEARANCE ON EACH SIDE, TO TRY AND GRAB THE FRONT OF THE WOODEN BASE. MOST OF US COULDN'T GET OUR ARMS IN FAR ENOUGH TO GRAB ANYTHING. THIS GUY, BENEATH THE UNIT, WAS SINGING LIKE A CANARY, AND IT WASN'T PRETTY. IT WAS GOOD HE'D ALREADY RAISED A FAMILY, BECAUSE HE WAS DEFINITELY GETTING A CHEAP NEUTERING. SO THEN ADD ON, THE FACT, THAT I'VE GOT ABOUT TWENTY PEOPLE WHO WANT TO EXIT THE SHOP, AND TWO KIDS WHO WERE COMPLAINING THEY HAD TO PEE, AND THIS GERMAN GENTLEMAN GETTING CRUSHED ON THE STAIRS. NOW WHEN THE GUY WAS YELLING AT US, IT WAS AS IF HE'D SUCKED BACK A WHACK OF HELIUM, AND IT TOOK US A LOT OF GUMPTION, AS HE SAID EARLIER, TO AVOID LAUGHING ABOUT THE STAIR IMPASSE.
SO HERE WAS THE EMERGENCY PLAN. WE NEEDED TO GET ONE OF THE LIAR'S CLUB MEMBERS, OVER THAT REGISTER, AND THE GUY TRAPPED BENEATH, TO HELP LIFT IT BACK OFF HIS, WELL, PRIVATE PARTS. THE PROBLEM OF COURSE, WAS THAT IN ORDER TO DO THIS, WAS GOING TO REQUIRE ONE OF US, ADDING TO THE WEIGHT OF THE UNIT ON THE GUY'S GROIN. WE HAD TO CRAWL UP AND OVER THE UNIT TO HELP HIM OUT. THE SMALLEST GUY WEIGHED ABOUT TWO HUNDRED POUNDS, AND WITH THE WEIGHT OF THE CASH REGISTER AND STAND, THAT WOULD HAVE MEANT THE VICTIM THUSLY, COULD HAVE PUT THE FAMILY JEWELS IN A VERY THIN ENVELOPE, FROM THAT POINT IN HIS LIFE. THANKFULLY, JUST AS WE TOYED WITH THIS PLAN, A MOUNTAIN OF A MAN CAME THROUGH THE STORE DOOR, AS IF BY THE GRACE OF GOD. IN ONLY SECONDS, THE CASH REGISTER WAS UPRIGHT AGAIN, AND DOWN OFF THAT FIRST PRECARIOUS STEP. AND WHILE THERE WAS AN UNDIGNIFIED MASSAGING OF THE GROIN, AND A LOT OF WHEEZING, THE RESCUE HAD BEEN SUCCESSFUL WITH MINIMAL PHYSICAL DAMAGE DONE. OF COURSE THERE WAS A LITTLE PRIDE THING THAT DIDN'T FARE SO WELL BUT I'M TOLD THAT OUTSIDE OF A FEW BRUISES, THAT WERE NEVER REVEALED, THANK GOODNESS, THE GUY SURVIVED; THE TWOSOME REMAINED FRIENDS FOR SOME TIME TO COME.
THE NEXT WEEKEND, MOVERS CAME WITH A TROLLY, AND WITHIN FIVE MINUTES, THE CASH REGISTER WAS HEADING TO ITS NEW HOME. EVER SINCE, I'VE TRIED TO AVOID PURCHASING ITEMS LIKE THE CASH REGISTER, FOR SOME PRETTY OBVIOUS REASONS. ANTIQUE DEALERS TEND TO BE GOOD AT RETROSPECTIVES, BUT NOT SO GOOD AT "IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT" DECISION MAKING. EVERY GIRL I DATED, AND THE ONE GAL I MARRIED, ALWAYS FIGURED I HAD SOME SORT OF UNDIAGNOSED DISABILITY WITH PERCEPTION. I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND THEIR ASSESSMENT. I'D BEEN A HOCKEY GOALIE, A BASEBALL FIELDER, AND A GOLFER, ALL REQUIRING FINELY TUNED PERCEPTION. "THEN WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT THE FLAT-TO-THE-WALL PINE CUPBOARD YOU JUST BOUGHT, WON'T FIT INTO MY VOLKSWAGON (BEETLE)," MY GIRLFRIEND WOULD YELL OUT IN FRUSTRATION, AT THE CONCLUSION OF MANY AUCTION SALES. MOST OF THE TIME SHE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'D PURCHASED, UNTIL I ASKED HER TO HELP ME CARRY IT TO THE CAR. "ARE YOU NUTS TED," SHE'D BLURT. "IT WON'T FIT IN MY CAR. NO WAY." IT'S TRUE. I FREQUENTLY ASKED IF SHE WOULD DRIVE ME TO THESE AUCTIONS, IN HER NICE LITTLE ORANGE CAR. I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MANY TIMES WE DROVE HOME WITH HUGE PIECES HANGING OUT THE WINDOWS, AND THE FAMILIAR SOUND OF A DOMESTIC IN PROGRESS. SHE ALWAYS STARTED WITH THE SAME INTRODUCTION, THAT WAS ALMOST MUSICAL TO MY EARS. "YOU STUPID, STUPID MAN. YOU'RE DRIVING ME INSANE." I COULD RESPOND TO THAT, BY SAYING, "BUT I LOVE YOU….DOES THAT COUNT FOR ANYTHING?" "IF YOU LOVED ME, YOU CREEP, YOU WOULDN'T BUY ALL THIS STUFF AND JAM IT INTO MY CAR." IN ALL FAIRNESS, I COULDN'T LOAD IT IN MY CAR. I DIDN'T HAVE ONE.
THE FINAL STRAW, WAS WHEN I WAS LOADING IN A TIDY LITTLE VICTORIAN LOVE SEAT…..NOW TRY TO IMAGINE WHAT THAT WOULD LOOK LIKE IN A BEETLE, AND I HEARD A SOUND THAT BROKE HER HEART. BROKE MINE TOO. "TED, YOU JUST PUSHED THE LEG THROUGH THE CEILING," SHE SAID, HER RED FACE NOW MATCHING HER RED HAIR. SHE WAS RIGHT. THERE WAS AN "L" SHAPED TEAR IN THE FABRIC OF THE CAR'S CEILING, THAT I'M PRETTY SURE HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH MY VICTORIAN ANTIQUE. I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY ANTIQUE DEALERS FOUND THEMSELVES IN SIMILAR SITUATIONS, DURING THEIR YEARS DATING, BUT I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU, IT WAS A GAME CHANGER FOR ME. "YOU'RE JUST INSANE. I CAN'T DEAL WITH YOU ANY MORE," SHE YELLED AT ME, AS WE STARTED TO GET A BIGGER CROWD AROUND US, THAN THE AUCTIONEER WHO WAS STILL SELLING STUFF. "I'LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU DEAR," I SAID, NODDING AND WAVING OFF THE GALLERY. "MAKE IT UP, MAKE IT UP….I'LL TELL YOU HOW YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE IT UP," SHE MUMBLED, GETTING IN THE CAR, AND SLAMMING THE DOOR SO HARD I COULD TASTE THE METAL CHIPS FLYING OFF. YOU KNOW, SHE NEVER DID TELL ME HOW I WAS GOING TO MAKE IT UP TO HER. BUT IT WASN'T LONG AFTER, THAT SHE GAVE ME "THE PROVERBIAL HEAVE-HO," OR AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT MY MATES TOLD ME IT'S CALLED, WHEN A GIRL HITS YOU IN THE HEAD WITH A SPENT WINE BOTTLE. I DESERVED WHAT I GOT. DID IT CHANGE ME? I'M NOT GOING TO ASK MY WIFE THAT QUESTION, BECAUSE FRANKLY, IT ONLY MAKES HER MAD TO RECALL MY PAST INDISCRETIONS, WITH THE SHIPPING AND HANDLING OF REALLY BIG ANTIQUE ITEMS, I THOUGHT WOULD FIT IN THE VAN.
I SUPPOSE IT WAS MY FAULT THE GERMAN CHAP WAS NEARLY NEUTERED THAT DAY ON OUR SHOP STAIRS. I SHOULD HAVE INSISTED, FOR SAFETY REASONS, THAT A TROLLY BE EMPLOYED TO REMOVE THE CASH REGISTER. OH WELL, RETROSPECTIVES ARE WHAT THEY ARE AFTER ALL. CAN'T CHANGE WHAT IS NOW IN THE BIRCH HOLLOW HISTORY BOOK.
"YOU JUST GET CARRIED AWAY," SUZANNE SAID TO ME ONE DAY, AT A LOCAL AUCTION IN BRACEBRIDGE, WHEN I WAS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET THE HOOSIER CUPBOARD INTO THE VAN, WITHOUT HAVING TO DISMANTLE IT FIRST. AS SUZANNE REALLY WANTED THAT PIECE FOR HER KITCHEN, WELL SIR, SHE SPIT ON HER HANDS, PULLED UP HER SLEEVES, AND BY GOLLY, THAT CUPBOARD WAS SHOVED SO FAR INTO THE VAN IT PUSHED THE FRONT SEATS UP TO THE DASHBOARD. "THAT'S HOW IT'S DONE, TED," SHE SAID WITH A WINK. THIS GAL IS A KEEPER, I CHORTLED TO MYSELF. "WE'RE GOING TO DO GREAT THINGS IN THIS BUSINESS."
THANKS FOR JOINING TODAY'S ANTIQUE HUNTING BLOG.
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