Gag Collectables Part Two and A Wonderful Life

THE REASON WE DO WHAT WE DO FOR ENTERTAINMENT AND PROFIT

I'VE BEEN HOOKED ON THE ADVENTURE AND THE GREAT OUTDOORS AS MUCH AS THE ANTIQUE HUNT ITSELF

     FIRST OF ALL, I HAVE NEVER BEEN TOTALLY RELIANT ON THE ANTIQUE PROFESSION TO PAY THE BILLS. LIKE MOST OF THE ANTIQUE DEALERS OUT THERE, IT IS USUALLY A FILL-IN ENTERPRISE, WITH A LOT OF RETIREES AMONGST THE GROUP. IT'S NOT TO SAY THERE AREN'T DEALERS WHO RELY ON THE SUCCESS OF THEIR TRADE TO PAY THE MORTGAGE, AND DAY BY DAY SURVIVAL, BUT IN THE RURAL CLIMES OF NORTH AMERICA, THERE ARE PLENTY OF PART-TIME DEALERS, WHO FIND THE ANTIQUE BUSINESS FUN AND MODERATELY PROFITABLE. I CAN'T SAY A DARN THING ABOUT CITY SHOPS AROUND THE WORLD, BECAUSE I DON'T GO TO THE CITY THAT OFTEN TO CHECK THEM OUT. BUT IT IS AWFULLY DIFFICULT, ESPECIALLY HERE IN MUSKOKA, A TOURIST ECONOMY, TO MAKE IT A FULL-TIME COMMITMENT. SUZANNE AND I ARE GOING TO GIVE IT A TRY, (WHY NOT) BECAUSE SHE'S RETIRING FROM TEACHING AT THE END OF JUNE, AND WITH ONLY MY FREELANCE WRITING GIGS, IT COULD GET A LITTLE TIGHT IF WE DON'T PLAY THIS PROFESSION PROPERLY. AS I'VE ALSO MENTIONED PREVIOUSLY, WE BEGAN PLANNING FOR OUR RETIREMENT WITH ANTIQUES, AND COLLECTABLES, BACK IN THE LATE 1980'S, WHEN WE OFFICIALLY LAUNCHED BIRCH HOLLOW ANTIQUES. IT'S TAKEN THIS LONG TO GET IT RIGHT. THE ANTIQUE PROFESSION IS ALWAYS LIKE RIDING A PORCUPINE UP AND DOWN A HILLSIDE. WE'LL SEE HOW FAR WE CAN RIDE THE BEAST. WE'VE GOT A SAFETY NET, WHICH MAY REQUIRE ME TO WRITE ROMANCE NOVELS…..OR SOMETHING A LITTLE  MORE RISQUE. I'M A WORDSMITH. I CAN DO THIS! SO WE'RE BOTH HOPING THAT ALL THE PLANNING, AND ADVANCE BUYING, AND TRACK RECORD IN THE PROFESSION, WILL GIVE US A WEE ADVANTAGE. AND WHEN I TALK ABOUT LOW PRICING, AND MY COMMITMENT TO FAIR MARK-UPS, I'M NOT KIDDING. WE HAVE TO BE HIGHLY COMPETITIVE NOW, BECAUSE THIS IS IT…….ONE OF THE LAST NOTES ON THE OLD BUCKET LIST. "ENJOY THE ANTIQUE BUSINESS." TO ENJOY IT, HOWEVER, INEVITABLY FALLS BACK ON THE WORDS "SUCCESS," AND "PROFIT," AND WE DON'T WANT TO BE PART OF AN ANTIQUE MALL. WE LIKE THIS VENUE WE'RE IN, WITH OUR LADS, IN THE FORMER THEATRE BUILDING ON MUSKOKA ROAD. THIS IS OUR DREAM RETIREMENT JOB. IF WE BLOW IT? WE'LL BE BUSKERING OUTSIDE THE BUILDING. I CAN SING, AND SUZANNE CAN PLAY THE AUTOHARP. TO HEAR A COUPLE OF NEAR-SENIOR CITIZENS PERFORMING? GOT TO BE WORTH A LOONIE, AT LEAST. I'D BE FLATTERED WITH FIFTY CENTS. THEY TELL ME A SING LIKE GEORGE FORBY! 

     IN THE LAST COUPLE OF MONTHS, I'VE HAD A NUMBER OF ETHICAL, PHILOSOPHICAL, AND BUSINESS DISCUSSIONS WITH MY CONTEMPORARIES IN THE ANTIQUE PROFESSION. SOMETIMES THEY BORDER ON WHAT COULD BE DESCRIBED AS "ARGUMENTS," BUT I WANT TO CALL THEM PROFESSIONAL DISAGREEMENTS; MISALIGNED PERSPECTIVES, AND SIMPLY, DIFFERENCES OF OPINION ON THE MATTER OF WHY WE DO WHAT WE DO! THE ANTIQUE HUNT! IT'S A PROFESSION THAT YOU HAVE TO MARRY, AND THE DIVORCE IS USUALLY DEATH. WE OFTEN STICK WITH OUR PASSION FOR HISTORY, RIGHT TO THE END. I HOPE IT WILL BE QUICK AND PAIN-FREE, AND NOT THE RESULT OF A PINE CUPBOARD CRUSHING ME BENEATH.  

     I PITY THOSE IN THE PROFESSION, WHO DO IT FOR MONEY ALONE. I KNOW MORE THAN A FEW ASSOCIATES, WHO ONLY FIND THEIR INSPIRATION, IN THE RETURN THEY GET FROM SELLING THEIR ANTIQUE AND COLLECTABLE FINDS. THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND ME AT ALL, ESPECIALLY WHEN I TALK OR WRITE ABOUT THE TRADITIONS OF THE PROFESSION, DATING BACK TO THE BEGINNING OF THE BUY AND SELL, OF USED ITEMS, BEFORE CHRIST. THEY DON'T GET ME WHEN I REFER TO THE SPIRITUAL, INSPIRATIONAL, EMOTIONAL SIDE OF COLLECTING. THEY DO IT FOR THE RUSH OF MAKING A BIG, BIG FIND, AND PROFITING FROM THEIR SUCCESS. I DON'T BEGRUDGE THEM FOR FEELING THIS WAY, AND I'VE NEVER TRIED TO CONVINCE THEM OTHERWISE. I MIGHT FEEL SOMEWHAT SORRY FOR THEM, BECAUSE I DO VERY MUCH BELIEVE THEY ARE MISSING SOMETHING FAR MORE IMPORTANT ABOUT OUR PROFESSION, THAN JUST PROFIT TAKING. IT'S NICE BUT NOT VERY FULFILLING. THE FUN FOR ME, FROM CHILDHOOD ADVENTURES OF SEEK AND DISCOVER, HAS ALWAYS BEEN CONNECTED WITH THE OUTDOOR EXPERIENCE. FIRST IN THE VALLEY OF RAMBLE CREEK, IN BURLINGTON, AND ON EVERY WALK TO AND FROM SCHOOL I EVER TOOK, ON TO THIS POINT IN HISTORY, WHERE I ENJOY EVERY MILE TRAVELLED IN QUEST OF THE VERY NEXT CURIOUS VENUE, YARD SALE, OR AUCTION. I'M NOT THE MODEL ANTIQUE DEALER, AND I HAVE ALWAYS HAD A VERY MODEST PERSPECTIVE OF HOW I RATE AMONGST MY COMPETITORS. I JUST KNOW THAT MY INTEREST AS A DEALER, WOULD DIMINISH DRASTICALLY, IF EVERYTHING CAME DOWN TO HUSTLING FOR A BUCK……EVERY DAY BEING THE SAME AS THE ONE BEFORE. I LIKE THE SHOP SETTING, AND THE FOLKS WHO ENTER INTO OUR LITTLE HISTORIC WORLD. I'M AFRAID IT WOULD BE MY UNDOING, TO BE IN IT FOR THE MONEY ALONE, BECAUSE THERE SO MUCH MORE TO THIS HUNT AND GATHER GAME, THAN SPECULATION. MAYBE IT HAS TO DO WITH THE FACT, THAT SUZANNE AND I BUY WHAT WE LIKE AND NOT JUST SOMETHING WE BELIEVE CAN TURN A QUICK PROFIT. IT PROBABLY IS OUR FAILING BUT WE'RE NOT GOING TO CHANGE THE WAY WE HAVE BEEN RUNNING OUR BUSINESS SINCE THE BEGINNING. AND EVEN THOUGH I COULD MAKE A LOT OF MONEY WRITING PORNOGRAPHY, WELL SIR, I WOULDN'T STOOP SO LOW. I'D RATHER BUSKER FOR QUARTERS.

     AS I'VE MENTIONED MANY TIMES IN THESE BLOGS, MY TRUE DISCOVERY OF HOW MUCH ANTIQUE HUNTING HAS MEANT TO ME, OVER OUR DECADES OF FRIENDLY ASSOCIATION, CAME WHEN I WAS WORKING FOR SOME FOLKS I DIDN'T LIKE, IN THE NEWSPAPER BUSINESS. I LIKED THE BUSINESS, BUT I DISLIKED MANAGEMENT INTENSELY. I CAN REMEMBER SUZANNE TAPPING ME ON THE SHOULDER ONE AFTERNOON, WHEN I HAD STOPPED MOWING THE LAWN FOR A MOMENT, TO WIPE THE SWEAT OUT OF MY EYES. "TED, PLEASE STOP MOWING THE LAWN," SHE YELLED OVER THE SPUTTER OF THE ENGINE. "YOU'RE KILLING THE GRASS. YOU CAN'T MOW IT EVERY DAY." I LOOKED BACK AT HER, THEN OUT ON THE GRASS I'D JUST CUT AGAIN, AND COULD SEE THAT IT WAS MOSTLY DIRT WITH A FEW SHORT GREEN STALKS POKING UP. IT WAS NOW SHORTER GRASS THAN ON A PUTTING GREEN. I TURNED OFF THE ENGINE, AND SHE PULLED ME OVER TO A TABLE ON THE PATIO FOR A GLASS OF LEMONADE. "YOU'RE TAKING OUT YOUR ANGER ABOUT WORK, ON THIS POOR BEDRAGGLED BACKYARD," SHE SAID. "BY THE LOOKS OF IT, YOU MUST BE PRETTY MAD." I FIGURED MOWING THE LAWN WAS BETTER THAN DRINKING HEAVILY, WHICH I DID BEFORE I WAS MARRIED. 

     SUZANNE HAS BEEN MY WRITING MANAGER SINCE WE GOT HITCHED, AND I VALUE HER ADVICE. I SNORT AND COMPLAIN A LOT, WHEN SHE MAKES CERTAIN SUGGESTIONS; BUT MORE SO ON ACCOUNT OF EGO, THAT I DIDN'T THINK OF IT FIRST. SHE STARTED TO EXPLAIN, THAT I WAS CUTTING THE GRASS AS A MEANS OF VENTING MY FRUSTRATION WITH NEWSPAPER WORK. I DISAGREED AT ONCE, AND SAID IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH GRASS, MOWERS, OR THE FACT MY HAIR WAS FALLING OUT IN CLUMPS. BUT I KNEW THAT WHAT SHE WAS SAYING ABOUT MY EMPLOYERS WAS ACCURATE…..AFTER A FEW LIP-LOOSENING SIPS OF HER MAGNIFICENT HOMEMADE LEMONADE. SUZANNE KNEW ME TOO WELL. SHE HAD SEEN THIS BUILDING FOR MORE THAN A YEAR, AND IT WAS AFFECTING OUR MARRIAGE. SO WHEN I GOT IRRITATED AT WORK, I'D JUST ARRIVE HOME, AND WELL…., CUT THE GRASS AGAIN. SOMETIMES SIX TIMES A WEEK! SO I HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO LISTEN TO WHAT THE GOOD WOMAN WAS TELLING ME ABOUT "MYSELF," THAT I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO ADMIT. I LOVE TO WRITE, BUT I WANT TO WRITE FOR PEOPLE WHO APPRECIATE MY CAPABILITIES. INSTEAD, I WAS MICRO-MANAGED, AS A STAFFER, AND I FELT LIKE I HAD TWO HEADS ON MY SHOULDERS, WHEN I WAS SITTING AT THE TYPEWRITER. ONE HAD BAD BREATH, AND THAT WAS MINE. THE OTHER WAS AN INTERLOPER. AN UNDESIRABLE! I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I HAD TO ORDER MANAGEMENT STAFF TO CEASE AND DESIST WATCHING OVER MY SHOULDER, AS I PUT TOGETHER THE FINAL EDITORIALS. I DID KEEP A FLASK OF WHISKY IN MY DESK, AND IT SAVED THE LIVES OF THOSE WHO CROWDED MY WORK SPACE. SO NEEDLESS TO SAY, I WASN'T ENJOYING MY JOB AS I SHOULD HAVE….BEING YOUNG, WITH A LOT OF JOB OFFERS. BUT THE OTHERS JOBS WERE THE SAME, AND I VOWED THAT NO PUBLISHER WOULD EVER TELL ME HOW TO WRITE AN EDITORIAL. I FEEL THE SAME ABOUT THE ANTIQUE PROFESSION. SO I HAD TO MAKE MYSELF THE BOSS. SUZANNE IS NOW THE BOSS OF HER OWN BUSINESS……KNOWN AS THE "COOKERY NOOKERY." (OPENING JULY IST)

     FROM THIS POINT, I BEGAN TO CHANGE MY ATTITUDE ABOUT WORK AND PLEASURE. I WAS ABLE TO SHIFT MY JOB FROM EDITOR, TO FEATURE EDITOR, SPECIFICALLY WORKING AS A WRITER FOR ROBERT BOYER, AND THE MUSKOKA SUN, WHICH ALLOWED ME TO WORK COMFORTABLY AT HOME…….AND YES, WHILE LOOKING AFTER OUR YOUNG SON, ANDREW. I SOON REMOVED MYSELF FROM THE DOMINION STREET OFFICE, IN BRACEBRIDGE, AND FOUND MYSELF WORKING MORE, AND PRODUCING BETTER COPY, JUST DOWN THE ROAD ON ONTARIO STREET, BELOW THE HIGH SCHOOL WHERE SUZANNE WORKED. I COULDN'T BELIEVE THE PRODUCTIVITY CHANGE, AND THE QUALITY WAS MUCH BETTER THAN IT HAD BEEN FOR THE SEVEN YEARS PREVIOUS. I WANTED TO WRITE. I ALSO WANTED TO GET OUT AND ATTEND AUCTIONS AND FLEA MARKETS; YARD AND CHURCH SALES, AND ANYTHING ELSE THAT OFFERED A LOW-KEY ANTIQUE COLLECTOR / DEALER SOME OPPORTUNITIES FOR PERSONAL ADVANCEMENT. BEST OF ALL, IT WAS RELAXING. I CAN'T REALLY EXPLAIN IT, OTHER THAN TO SAY IT GAVE ME AN OPPORTUNITY TO PUT MY SKILLS TO WORK, AS AN ANTIQUE HUNTER, AND IF I WAS AS GOOD AS I THOUGHT I WAS…..WELL THEN, I WOULD GET SOME REALLY BIG FINDS. I DID OKAY. I DIDN'T MAKE A MILLION BUCKS, BUT I DIDN'T LOSE A MILLION EITHER, AND ALL THE BILLS WERE PAID; AND EVENTUALLY, ALL THE ITEMS I PURCHASED WERE SOLD-OFF. IT WAS A SUBSISTENCE KIND OF DEAL, BUT THE FACT THAT IT ABSORBED STRESS LIKE A THICK SPONGE, WAS PERFECT FOR FREE WEEKENDS WHEN I NEEDED TO UNWIND. THE ANTIQUE BUSINESS HAS ALWAYS BEEN A GOOD FRIEND. I'M HOPING OUR RELATIONSHIP OF GIVE AND TAKE WILL CONTINUE WHEN I NEED ITS FRIENDSHIP MOST.

     AT THE SAME TIME AS THE NEWSPAPER BUSINESS WAS GETTING ON MY NERVES, MOSTLY DUE TO MANAGEMENT ISSUES, I WOULD TREAT MY ANTIQUE ASPIRATIONS MUCH LIKE CUTTING THE LAWN. ATTENDING ANTIQUE SALES AND SHOWS, AND HUSTLING ALL OVER THE PLACE FOR INTERESTING FINDS, WAS GOOD AND NEEDED THERAPY, BUT IT WASN'T AS ENJOYABLE AS IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN…..AND THAT BOTHERED ME A LOT. I ENJOYED CUTTING THE LAWN TOO, UNTIL I BEGAN USING IT AS A STRESS RELIEVER. THEN IT JUST GOT STUPID. EVEN IN THE ANTIQUE TRADE, I MADE SOME OF MY DUMBEST BUYS, DURING THIS PERIOD, BECAUSE MY HEAD WASN'T "IN THE GAME" SO TO SPEAK. I WAS THERE, IN BODY, BUT I JUST COULDN'T RELAX OR CONCENTRATE, AND THAT'S ABOUT NINE TENTHS OF THE BUSINESS OF ANTIQUE HUNTING. THERE ISN'T A LOT OF ROOM FOR ERROR, ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE BIDDING AT AN AUCTION. WHILE I WAS COMPETING FOR PIECES, I WAS THINKING HOW CRAPPY IT WAS WORKING FOR UNAPPRECIATIVE BOSSES, WHO WERE ANYTHING BUT INSPIRING. THEN I'D FIND OUT I PURCHASED SEVEN MUSTY SUITCASES FOR FIFTY BUCKS, WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS BIDDING ON THE PRESSED GLASS COMPOTE, ONE OF THE HELPERS WAS HOLDING TO THE SIDE. (I GOT A NICE ONE YESTERDAY, BY THE WAY, AT A CHARITY SHOP, AND I WAS THRILLED TO PAY THE ASKING PRICE OF ONLY TWENTY-FIVE BUCKS). POINT IS, I WAS TREATING THE ANTIQUE PROFESSION DISRESPECTFULLY, AND THEN, MOSTLY FOR PROFIT. IT BECAME KIND OF A HOLLOW EXPERIENCE. SUZANNE SAYS I WAS SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION. I KNOW I WAS USING BOOZE THEN, AS A NUMBING AGENT, SO SOMETHING HAD TO GIVE IN OUR YOUNG MARRIAGE, AND THE SHIFT TO FEATURE WRITING FROM HOME, AND THE WHOLE "MR. MOM" EXPERIENCE WITH BOTH OUR BOYS, KEPT ME OUT OF THE CYCLE OF FUNK I'D BEEN IN FOR YEARS.

     AS A FEATURE WRITER, FOR THE MUSKOKA SUN, I WROTE ABOUT EVERY ANTIQUE OUTING, EVERY AUCTION, EACH ANTIQUE SHOP I VISITED, AND OVER TIME, IT BECAME CLEAR TO ME, THAT THE ETHEREAL ASPECTS OF TRAVELING THROUGH THE DISTRICT COUNTRYSIDE, WAS MORE THAN JUST A LITTLE CONTENTING. EXHILARATING COMES TO MIND. IT WAS BECOMING A HUGE PART OF THE ANTIQUE ADVENTURE, THAT I COULDN'T SEPARATE FROM THE PROFESSION ITSELF. I WAS BEING MOTIVATED BY THE CLIMATE. THE LANDSCAPE. MY PRIME ANTIQUE HUNTING SEASON CAME IN LATE AUGUST, RIGHT THROUGH UNTIL JUST AFTER THANKSGIVING. I WAS HUGELY INSPIRED THIS TIME OF THE YEAR, BY THE MATURITY OF THE SUMMER SEASON, AND THE COMMENCEMENT OF THE "HARVEST" TIME OF THE YEAR. I GOT SUCKED INTO ALL THOSE "IDEALS" PUBLICATIONS, HIGHLIGHTING THE NOSTALGIA OF THE SEASONS, ESPECIALLY THANKSGIVING. IF SUZANNE HAD WANTED TO SHOW ME THE PROOF OF THIS, I'M SURE SHE COULD HAVE DUG UP THE STATS FROM HER ACCOUNTING BOOKS, TO SHOW THAT I WAS SPENDING WAY MORE IN THE AUTUMN SEASON, THAN AT ANY OTHER TIME OF THE YEAR. IT DOESN'T MEAN I DIDN'T TRAVEL WIDELY OVER THE FOUR SEASONS, JUST THAT I WAS MORE INSPIRED DURING THE LATE SUMMER AND EARLY FALL, TO TRAVEL A LITTLE FURTHER POSSIBLY…..AND SHOP A LITTLE MORE AGGRESSIVELY. AND I MADE COPIOUS NOTES OF OUR TRIPS, AND IT WAS PERFECT FOR MR. BOYER AT THE MUSKOKA SUN, WHO NEEDED REGIONAL COPY, AND LOTS OF IT EACH WEEK, IN OUR PUBLISHING SEASON. I WENT FROM BEING A WORN OUT NEWS EDITOR, WORKING UNDER THE THUMBS OF MANAGEMENT, TO HAVING THIS HUGE EDITORIAL FREEDOM OFFERED TO ME, BY MR. BOYER, AND IT WAS A TREAT FOR THE SENSES. IT IS FACT, AND I'M PROUD OF THIS, THAT I PRODUCED TWICE AS MUCH COPY, WHILE WORKING AT HOME, AS I EVER WOULD HAVE DONE, STUCK IN A NEWS ROOM CUBICLE, HAVING TO PARTICIPATE IN STUPID-ASS MEETINGS THREE TIMES EACH WEEK. WE HAD MEETINGS TO DISCUSS HAVING MEETINGS. "BUSY WORK" AS MY MOTHER MERLE WOULD SAY. "ACCOMPLISHES NOTHING, EXCEPT WASTING TIME."

     WHILE THIS DOESN'T REALLY ENCIRCLE THE PRECISE TIME, NATURE AND COLLECTING BECAME IMPORTANT TO ME, BECAUSE IT HAS BEEN LIFE-LONG (OF THAT I'M SURE), BUT IT DID MAKE ME THINK MORE ABOUT HOW MY ANTIQUE INTERESTS AND WRITING, WORKED SO MUCH BETTER, WHEN I ALLOWED MYSELF THE PRIVILEGE OF TIME; TO ACTUALLY RECOGNIZE THE ROLE THE LANDSCAPE WAS PLAYING IN EVERY OUTING. I WAS A HAPPIER WRITER, AND A MORE FOCUSED COLLECTOR. WE STOPPED TO HAVE PICNICS ALL OVER THE PLACE, IN THIS HUGE, AND BEAUTIFUL REGION. INSTEAD OF PASSING THESE AMAZING PLACES, AND LOOK-OUTS, AS SEEN THROUGH A CAR WINDSHIELD, WE WERE STOPPING TO SEE IT ALL, UP CLOSE. IT BECAME THAT IMPORTANT, AND WE KNEW IT WAS CHANGING OUR WHOLE APPRECIATION FOR MUSKOKA, AND MY TWO PROFESSIONS. I WAS ENTHRALLED TO KNOW I HAD MADE THIS KIND OF PROGRESS, AND MY READERSHIP BEGAN TO CLIMB WITH MUSKOKA PUBLICATIONS. IT WOULD SOON LEAD INTO MORE RESEARCH PROJECTS, PIGGY-BACKING THE ANTIQUE ADVENTURES, AND IT'S PRETTY MUCH HOW I BEGAN WORKING ON THE MYSTERIOUS DEATH OF CANADIAN ARTIST TOM THOMSON. IT LED US ALL THE WAY TO ALGONQUIN PARK, AND CANOE LAKE, WHERE WE USED TO PADDLE TO THE PLACE TOM LIVED, BACK IN 1917, SHORTLY BEFORE HIS ALLEGED ACCIDENTAL DROWNING. WE ALL BECAME SO ENTHRALLED WITH THE STORY, WE GOT HOOKED ON ALGONQUIN AT THE SAME TIME, AND BECAME REGULAR CAMPERS. WE USED TO HIT EVERY ANTIQUE AND COLLECTABLE VENUE FROM GRAVENHURST TO THE EAST SIDE OF THE PARK GATES……AND WE DID THE SAME WAY ON THE WAY HOME. IT BECAME A FAMILY TRADITION. IT STILL IS. THAT WONDERFUL MIX OF RECREATION AND PROFITABLE BUSINESS, ENJOYING EVERYTHING THAT NATURE HAS TO OFFER ALONG THE WAY…..AND COLLECTING HERITAGE PIECES FOR OUR CUSTOMERS…..WHO I THINK APPRECIATE THE DISTANCE WE ARE WILLING TO TRAVEL, TO FILL THEIR WANT LISTS.

     THIS IS THE WAY WE LIVE WITH THE ANTIQUE TRADE TODAY. MAYBE WE'RE NEVER GOING TO BE BIG-SHOTS IN THE PROFESSION, BUT BY GOLLY, WE'RE GOING TO BE HAPPY TO GO TO WORK….AND ISN'T THAT ONE OF LIFE'S GREAT HURDLES TO CLEAR? AH, THE THRILL OF WORKING BECAUSE IT'S SO DARN INTERESTING. WELCOME TO OUR WORLD OF ANTIQUES AND COLLECTABLES. THERE'S ROOM FOR EVERYONE. THINK ABOUT IT!

WHERE WOULD I HAVE BEEN ON A SUNNY LATE-SPRING AFTERNOON IN 1968?

SITTING ON THE STOOP OF THE CORNER STORE - WITH A BOX OF LUCKY ELEPHANT, AND A COLD BOTTLE OF COKE!

AS I'VE WRITTEN ABOUT BEFORE, VIA THIS BLOG, I WAS A VERY FORTUNATE KID BY GEOGRAPHICAL LOCATION IN THE TOWN OF BRACEBRIDGE. WE LIVED ON THE THIRD FLOOR OF THE WEBER APARTMENTS, AT 129 ALICE STREET. ONE BLOCK OVER WERE THOSE MAGNIFICENT, ALLURING CORNER STORES ON TORONTO STREET. BAMFORD'S STORE WAS RUN BY FRED AND MARY BAMFORD. ON THE OPPOSITE CORNER

WAS LIL & CEC'S, WHICH WAS FORMERLY BLACK'S VARIETY. LATER IT BECAME FRASER'S VARIETY. THE HUNT'S HILL KIDS GOT THEIR CENT CANDY AND COLD BOTTLED POP FROM LIL & CEC'S, AND WE USUALLY GOT OUR ICE CREAM TREATS AND COMICS FROM BAMFORDS. OF COURSE BOTH STORES SOLD CRACKER JACKS AND LUCKY ELEPHANT, BUT WE'D SPLIT IT UP FROM WEEK TO WEEK. ACTUALLY LIL & CEC'S IS STILL OPERATING AS A CORNER STORE. ON A NICE WARM LATE-WINTER DAY LIKE THIS, WE'D MOST CERTAINLY HAVE WOUND UP ON THE STEPS, OF ONE STORE, OR ANOTHER, HAVING A COLD…..REAL COLD BOTTLE OF POP…….COCA COLA WAS MY ALIXIR, WHILE MOST OF MY MATES PREFERRED MOUNTAIN DEW. BOTH STORES HAD THE LOW COOLERS WITH THE ICE-WATER AND METAL TRACKS, THAT YOU HAD TO NAVIGATE, WITH YOUR HANDS IMMERSED IN THE COLD WATER. I LOVED THIS WHEN IT WAS A HUNDRED DEGREES OUTSIDE. THEY USED TO HAVE TO TELL ME IT WAS TIME TO GET OUT OF THE POP WATER.

BY TIME WE'D HIT THE CORNER STORE FOR REFRESHMENTS, YOU CAN BET THE LADS HAD ENJOYED MANY LOCAL ADVENTURES. SURE AS HELL WE'D HAVE TAKEN THE TRAIN STATION LUGGAGE CART FOR A RIDE ON THE RAMP…..SPENT A LITTLE QUALITY TIME SITTING IN THE LOBBY OF THE STATION, WAITING FOR OUR TRAIN TO COME IN, HAVE THROWN SOME PENNIES ON THE TRACK TO FLATTEN THEM (YES I KNOW THIS IS WRONG), AND MOST LIKELY WE HAD VISITED BILL ELLIOT'S FIVE AND DIME STORE, AND POSSIBLY STOPPED IN TO SEE IF LORNE SHIER, AT BB AUTO HAD ANY BICYCLE TIRE TUBES TO FIT OUR RIMS. MAYBE WE HAD STOPPED AT BASS ROCK TO THROW STONES AT THE LONG-ROBED BROTHERS OF THE SOCIETY OF SAINT JOHN THE EVANGELIST, WHO USED TO COME DOWN TO THE MUSKOKA RIVER, ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE, AND READ IN THE SUN. SO WE THREW ROCKS AT THEM. I WASN'T A NICE KID. WE NEVER ACTUALLY HIT ONE, BUT WE USED TO LIKE KEEPING THEM ON THE RUN. I THINK THEY THOUGHT THERE WERE SNIPERS HIDING IN THE BUSHES. IT IS KNOWN THAT THE FACILITY WAS HOME TO DRAFT DODGERS FROM THE UNITED STATES AND SUNDRY OTHER HIPPY TRAVELLERS. THIS IS WHAT OUR PARENTS WERE TALKING ABOUT, WHEN THEY PLAYED EUCHRE IN OUR KITCHEN ON SATURDAY NIGHTS. I NEVER REALLY KNEW WHAT THEY MEANT BY DRAFT DODGERS…..I THOUGHT IT HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH WINDOWS FITTING POORLY.

Actually, what I wanted to write about today, is the increasing prevalence of novelty-ware out on the antique hunt these days. I don't think I have ever seen this much 1960 era souvenir, oddball, novelty stuff appearing in such large quantities, in local second hand and thrift shops. Bamfords was the place to buy these items back in the 1960's and 70's. Not so much at Lil & Cec's, because it was more milk, food, pop, treats, and cigarettes, than actual merchandise. They had some but not in the same quantity that Mary and Fred jammed into the small store, where every inch of wall and ceiling space was loaded with merchandise. Even Charles Dickens would have gasped, his chin hitting his chest, to see the circus inside that tiny, multi room corner store…..run by two eccentric folks who liked clutter. I wish I'd had the good sense to get a picture of the place, because it was a landmark for neighborhood shopping. It was a time warp environs from the 1930's to 70's, and I think some of the canned food items were that old as well. They could have been sold over the counter to advertising nostalgia collectors. I don't believe there were "best before" dates on these cans. I think the labels were actually done by the Group of Seven artists, who, by the way, made their living before selling landscape paintings, working for graphic arts companies in Toronto.

As the small acreage, which wasn't more than a block wide and deep, had 1930's vintage guest cottages, that they rented by the week and month. It was the craziest situation for me, a transplanted city kid, looking out onto this strange rural - urban mix of land-use. We were living a town life, in an urban neighborhood, without any waterway abutting, or sandy beach, and here was this campground set-up, tourists having bonfires late into summer evenings. We'd horn our way in with a bag of marshmallows to toast. Even in the 1960's, it seemed so out of place. But we made more friends, of the kids that came to stay at what was called Woodley Park. So the Bamfords stocked their corner store for the summer guests as well as the neighborhood's small grocery needs. But you could buy a ball glove or a cheerleader's baton, souvenir back-scratchers, fireworks, shovels and pails for the toddlers, and lots and lots of bagged charcoal. But what I always found so amazing, was the selection of novelty mugs, plaques, decals, pennants, risque novelty items for the outhouse, every kind of crass, rude, hunt-camp joke glass, ash-trays, bottle openers, coffee mugs with breasts, plastic boys who peed when you gave them the right encouragement, you name it…..and we loved this stuff.

Every time we entered that wonderful museum of weird souvenir inventory, we hand to fondle it all. Mary used to watch us very closely, but she knew we wouldn't steal anything. All our parents shopped there. My mother Merle actually worked there for a time. I guess the folks who stayed in those old cabins, must have really liked these novelty items, because I don't think many from our neighborhood, would have found these curiosities house-worthy decorator objects. I think I bought my dad a mug with a hole in the side, that was supposed to be a joke, except when drinking hot coffee.

I just picked up a vintage sales catalogue that took me back to those days, standing in Bamfords with our mouths hanging open, as Fred hung more novelty items from hooks in the ceiling. Just having a quick glance through the catalogue, I couldn't believe how many of these items I've seen recently, on the shelves of local thrift, and second hand shops, between Bracebridge and Orillia. I'm not sure why it's all appearing now, but it is…..and I'm just not sure if this is going to qualify as nostalgia for those who are period collectors. The small format, staple bound booklet, is from Roy Sales, of Box 55, Winnipeg, Manitoba, and from the looks of the merchandise within, it must be from the mid 1960's, to the mid 1970's. The mail order company offered big deals on magic-tricks, toys, disguises, cards, party favors, books, jewelry, puzzles, drug sundries, novelties and articles described as "fun." The first part of the catalogue is devoted to enhancing the pleasure of adults, with a substantial selection of prophylactics, right beside the big deals on Old Fashioned Beer Steins, and the ever popular Whistling Beer Mug. The first nine pages are devoted to adult pleasures, with ample diversification depending on your acrobatic requirements. Some were triple strength, and may or may not have glowed in the dark. Then it was the "Ladies and Gents' Ring values section……because after the fun of the first nine pages, and the beer you had in those steins, you really should shop for high quality rings at incredible discount prices. Swiss made watches for $6.50. How about a camera by Imperial, or a Bronze Horse and Rider, Men's Pin-up Billfold, poker chips, nudie playing cards, exquisite hand-carved bark pictures (I've got one of those). How about a comic Bartender Whisky Set? Or a Comic Ash Tray of a dog urinating on a fire hydrant? How about a fifty cent socket wrench, or novelty liquor cups? Certainly you wouldn't want to miss out on the Comic Ash Trays, like the Smoky Poky….that allows you to put a lit cigarette in the woman's mouth and smoke will come out here eye. Nice. Well, not really. I saw so much of this gag nostalgia in the comfortable but crazy quarters of Bamford's Store. Now I realized just how much I adored that place on the corner of my childhood. That place has influenced me in so many ways…..because nostalgia is still one of my big collecting interests. I'm just not sure what the market value of leftover itching powder and sneezing powder…..or novelty elephant pins? I guess I need to do some homework.

As for the real novelty items, like Rat Perfume Box (rat leaps out when top removed), Can-Can Girl decals, Pop-Out Snake Tulip, Realistic Cat-Cry container, rubber eggs (can't get enough of them), Naughty Chewing Gum that turns your teeth black…..does anyone collect these? How about the toilet bowl pipe for the smoker, made of wood too? Or the whoopee cushion? Harem girl key-chain, where the scantily clad woman is caged in a plastic rocket, where she performs when the item is moved? You can order the Lord's Prayer Telescope, Tom Thumb Miniature Playing Cards, Invisible Ink, compass ring, novelty shooting ball pen, and a pop-up tie. Come on, you gotta have "toilet water perfume" in in a replica toilet container. Here's a gem worth some money. A Coca Cola Lighter for seventy-five cents. If that doesn't turn your crank, how about a Jivaro Shrunken Head - authentic and life-like? If you're into the more dramatic nostalgia, you could have ordered "Wee Wee Willie," which was apparently a "deluge of laughter? A flood of fun. The cutest guy - fill with water. See him in action. Pee a river." A Break-A-Part Glass? Half-a-cup for your coffee? Or for your neighbor….an "auto prankster exhaust whistle," which produced a high pitch whistle to cause the driver to keep stopping to find out what's wrong.

This is a great little book, and perfect for accompanying me out on the antique hustings…..because I've got to find some of this gag stuff, as I'm the worse kind of practical joker. We'll re-visit this topic tomorrow, so I can share more pages of this fabulous catalogue.

Thanks for joining me. More fun and laughs to come!

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