OLD JOE - A DICKENSIAN CHARACTER, I APPARENTLY RESEMBLE -
AT LEAST MY WIFE THINKS SO - HOW ABOUT YOU?
SUZANNE SNUCK QUIETLY AROUND THE CORNER OF OUR ANTIQUE SHOP, THE OTHER DAY, AND WAS GOING TO STARTLE ME FROM SLUMBER. YOU SEE, SHE HAS LEFT ME IN CHARGE OF THE SHOP, WHICH IS OPERATED OVERALL BY OUR SONS ANDREW AND ROBERT, WHILE SHE HAS GONE BACK TO HER DAY JOB. SHE BELIEVES I SLEEP ON THE JOB. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? SO WHAT IF I DID? I MIGHT NOD OFF FROM TIME TO TIME, BUT I'VE TRAINED MYSELF OVER THE YEARS, TO DOZE WITH ONE EAR OPEN. SHE HAS A PECULIAR FOOT-FALL I COULD IDENTIFY ON ANY TYPE OF FLOORING. SO WHILE I SUSPECTED SHE WAS COMING INTO THE SHOP, I WAS A LITTLE SURPRISED SHE PLANNED ON CATCHING ME MID-NAP. SHE EVEN ADMITTED IT. "I THOUGHT YOU'D BE ASLEEP," SHE PRONOUNCED ON HER POOR OVER-WORKED HUSBAND. IN MY THOUGHTS……"YEA, RIGHT, BEAT YOU AGAIN LADY."
ON TOP OF THAT, WHICH WAS MILDLY OFFENSIVE, SHE THINKS I LOOK LIKE A CHARACTER PENNED BY CHARLES DICKENS, IN HIS BOOK, "A CHRISTMAS CAROL." HER EXACT WORDS WERE, "IF YOU HAD A SUITABLY RIPPED AND DIRTY BLACK FROCK COAT, AND A BEATEN-UP OLD TOP HAT, SITTING AT THE COUNTER, YOU'D LOOK JUST LIKE 'OLD JOE,' (IN THE CHRISTMAS CLASSIC). TO REFRESH YOUR MEMORY, OLD JOE WAS THE PROPRIETOR OF THE QUESTIONABLE ANTIQUE SHOP, WHERE THE UNDERTAKER AND TWO HOUSEKEEPERS MEET, AFTER SCROOGE'S DEATH, TO SELL ITEMS THEY HAD SCOFFED OFF THE BODY AND THE BEDSTEAD. SUCH AS A "WATCH AND FOB," "BED CURTAIN AND RINGS," AND A "DRESSING GOWN," THAT, AS THE MAID NOTES SO PROFOUNDLY, "THEY WOULD HAVE BURIED HIM IN IT." SO SHE TOOK IT FOR THE MONEY OLD JOE WOULD GIVE FOR SUCH FINE LINEN "WITHOUT A HOLE IN IT." AND AFTER ALL, SHE DID LEAVE THE UNDERTAKER AN ALTERNATIVE GOWN, MADE OF CALICO, WHICH SHE ADVISED JOE, WAS "JUST AS FITTING TO THE BODY."
SO HERE'S THIS CRUSTY OLD BUGGER, THAT DICKENS PENNED INTO HIS STORY OF SPIRITUAL REDEMPTION, AND THE POWER OF GOOD AT CHRISTMAS, WHO HUNCHES AROUND HIS SHOP, WHILE CHILDREN SORT THROUGH THE OLD CLOTHES ON HIS BEHALF. AND MY WIFE THINKS I LOOK LIKE "OLD JOE." I'D EVEN BE OFFENDED IF SHE REMARKED THAT I LOOKED LIKE "OLD JOE" AT THE "SHADY REST" ON TELEVISION'S "PETTICOAT JUNCTION." NOW ACCORDING TO HER DESCRIPTION I'M OLD AND DICKENSIAN, SO I'M PRETTY SURE I SHOULD BE CONCERNED MY WIFE'S AFFECTIONS HAVE SHIFTED. ON THE OTHER HAND, LOOKING IN THE MIRROR, I'VE GOT TO ADMIT THERE ARE SOME DISTINCT "OLD JOE" QUALITIES TAKING OVER THE MY BOYISH GOOD LOOKS. APPARENTLY, I'M EVEN MORE FICTIONAL IN SILHOUETTE SET AGAINST THE SHOP LIGHTS. ISN'T THAT SPECIAL? AS I'M BIG ON TRADITION, THIS SHOULD BE A SPECIAL CHRISTMAS…..ME LOOKING THE PART AND ALL.
WHAT ARE THE PERKS OF LOOKING LIKE OLD JOE? ATTRACTING THE LADIES?
So the fact that Suzanne references me now, as a character inspired from Dickens' pen, means in my mind, I'm looking the part of crusty old antique dealer with all its sundry attributes. I suppose I've been in the business long enough now, to have developed certain old-geezer attributes. You know, I've kidded about "Old Joe," so many times, and on each occasion when we watch the Christmas movie, with Alistair Sim as Scrooge, I am compelled by family tradition to say out loud, and with some hubris, (when the scene with Old Joe comes along), "Hey, they didn't ask permission to film me in the shop." Or, "Look, it's daddy going to work." Now if you know the scene in the film, it is quite profound, right down to the rusty hinges squeaking when the huge door opens, allowing entry for the undertaker and the maids-a-stealing. The cluttered rooms, with stuff hanging all over, is hardly representative of the shop we operate, but getting down to brass tacks, there are some personality parallels. My joints creak like the rusted hinges. I do have a beat up top hat at home, and believe it or not, I've got a frock somewhere here from my youth, when I dressed as "Riff Raff," at Rocky Horror Picture Show parties. Yea, it was a crazy youth and frankly, being old has its perks. For one thing, I never have to dress up as Riff Raff, or Frankenfurter to please a girl. "Dammit Janet!" Getting back to Old Joe, I kind of think the antique industry sculpts us this way, without us knowing it's happening. I've known more than a few antique dealers in my day, top hatted and frocked, who could step right into that scene without any movie patron knowing the difference. Dave Brown, my book collecting buddy, was a body double as far as I'm concerned. Old Joe didn't have a beard, so I've got that to my character advantage. It's the nose thing. No matter how many times I tell Suzanne I wasn't born this way, she doesn't buy the goaltender "nose break" thing. She once asked me if that was a "Titilest on the end of my nose." Geez dear, I'm sorry I have so many strange characteristics.
"You mumble just like Joe," Suzanne told me. "You were muttering to yourself when I walked through the door tonight," she said. "I was trying to do a word puzzle," I responded, feeling some necessity to defend myself against this character attack from a loved one. "I was just sounding out some of the words. I wasn't mumbling at all." "You mumble and growl at people in line ups at the grocery store," she quipped. "Even the boys will back me on this one." I probably do this because I hate lining up for anything.
I do know what she means though. I'm pretty sure she didn't mean to hurt my feelings, as she realizes my favorite author is Charles Dickens. I suppose that after three and a half decades in the antique trade, it would be logical that one would start looking like one of the Toby mugs we sell. Being around all this old stuff has to rub off on a person….right? I guess it's safe to say, I've become kind of a character suited to my profession, and that an historical novelist might one day tap me on the shoulder, to ask permission, to borrow my silhouette for a dustjacket illustration. I might even feel honored if this was the case. I was just a little surprised that my wife thought I looked several hundred years old, and would instantly appeal with "frock and top hat," to the very next film maker to pop by for a visit. Truth be known, it's kind of a compliment to me, because of this history thing I've been obsessed with all my life. It might have been nice if she said, "Ted, you look like Abraham Lincoln," or "Razsputin." She might have flattered me by suggesting I was the mirror image of "General Longstreet," of the Confederate Army, at Gettysburg, or "St. Nick" himself, from "Miracle on 34th Street"…… as my beard is fading to white, and my pot belly should entitle me to be jolly. But what she saw was "Old Joe," the second hand dealer, penned by a writing legend, suited to my craft, and my philosophies. "Yes but do you still find me a sexy beast," I asked, knowing full well she never found me a sexy beast, even in my glorious twenties. Ah, us oldly-weds. One thing's for sure, I will never draw parallels for her, because she has notoriously thin skin. I once called her a Martha Stewart clone, and she snapped back, "I'm a lot younger than she is!"
Ever since she said this to me, I've started to fall into character, when customers cross the threshold. I've become very British and historic in a matter of only several weeks. I expect any moment, for the creaking old door to open, with a chill wind, and have the undertaker and two maids, pay me a visit. Some might say, as my mother used to, that I've got a vivid and "over-active" imagination. Well sir, it's kind of difficult to be a writer without both attributes. So all I can say, is that I'm getting ready for Christmas, when I can dress up and haunt the shop as a Dickensian antique / second hand dealer, playing hit and miss with those prevailing Christmas spirits. As for what Suzanne may get in her Christmas stocking this year……I'm betting it's a lump of coal.
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