On Being a Good Ghost Host

I THINK I'D MAKE A DARN GOOD GHOST - HAUNTING ALL OVER THE PLACE - AND VISITING SOME OLD BOSSES WHO WOULDN'T GIVE ME A RAISE

     TORONTO SUN COLUMNIST, PAUL RIMSTEAD, WROTE A CONTROVERSIAL COLUMN…..ONCE. THAT WOULDN'T BE QUITE TRUE, BECAUSE HE WROTE QUITE A FEW OF THEM IN FACT. I LOVED EVERY ONE OF THEM TOO. THE MORE CONTROVERSIAL THE BETTER. BUT THIS TIME, OF ALL THINGS, HE CHALLENGED THE DEVIL TO SHOW HIMSELF (OR HERSELF), TO THE WRITER, AND WAS EVEN COCKY ENOUGH TO SET A TIME-FRAME. THIS WAS CLASSIC RIMSTEAD.

     I'M NOT SURE HOW MANY LEAD-UP COLUMNS HE WROTE, TO ANTAGONIZE THE DEVIL, PRIOR TO THE BIG SHOWDOWN. RIMMER WAS A TAD CONCERNED, THE DEVIL WASN'T GOING TO BE HAPPY, AT BEING CENTERED-OUT IN THIS FASHION, BUT HE DECIDED IT WAS WORTH THE ULTIMATUM. SHOW UP, OR BECOME IRRELEVANT. IF MEMORY SERVES CORRECT, THE COLUMN WAS CONNECTED TO THE RECENT RELEASE OF THE LINDA BLAIR MOVIE, "THE EXORCIST," WHICH WAS BACK IN THE SPRING OF 1974.

     WELL SIR, EITHER THE DEVIL DIDN'T FEEL IT WAS NECESSARY TO PROVE HIS EXISTENCE TO A LOWLY PAGE THREE NEWSPAPER COLUMNIST (OPPOSITE THE SUNSHINE GIRL), OR RIMMER HAD PROVEN THAT THERE WAS NO SULPHUR IN THE DEVIL'S UNDERWEAR. THE DEVIL WAS A BIG NO-SHOW, AND A LOT OF READERS HAD BEEN CAUTIOUSLY OPTIMISTIC, RIMMER WOULD SURVIVE THE ENCOUNTER. HE MAY HAVE EVEN CALLED THE DEVIL A COWARD.

AS A GHOST, I WOULD PLAY WICKED PRACTICAL JOKES

    So I got thinking about the blogs I've been writing recently about the paranormal and hauntings I have known. Personally known! Not from a distance, or from the pages of a book. I've often been in the middle of these strange events, so I'm writing about what was "actual" to me, at those times. Like Rimstead, I thought it worthwhile to speculate a little as well. Why not? What's the down side? Oh yea, I might meet the grim reaper before I finish today's blog. I don't want to agitate the devil however, because I've got a lot of stuff going on these days, and I don't need the aggravation, of having this dark force trying to get even for some off-hand comment. Instead, I thought about the hope I have, that one day…..(an appropriately long-time from today), I would become a ghost myself. Not that I'm trying to hurry up the work of the good Mr. Reaper, because this isn't the case. Really! In case you're talking to him, this is just an anecdotal blog. Don't want to get too serious here after all. I'm a young fifty-seven.

     I'm curious about the what-ifs of being a hovering gray mist, scaring the hell out of unsuspecting folks who don't believe in ghosts. Have you ever thought about who you would like to haunt? Suzanne just added her two cents worth, that I'd opt for the Playboy Bunny mansion. Not saying it's not a good idea, just surprised she thinks of me in this way. I've got a couple of former bosses on my "to haunt relentlessly" list, I've been mentally preparing since I was in their employ, as a starving writer.

     I might actually make a better ghost than I've been, in human form, as both a writer and historian. Maybe you agree. I've been reading and studying the paranormal from the time I was able to check out my first books from the public library. I was fascinated by the supernatural. Ghosts? Bring them on! My idea as one of the ghost-kind, would be to make the right connections up there, to fast-track my spirit into an earthbound entity, able to kick around various old haunts, to remind folks and some of the jerks I knew in life, that I plan on keeping them company long into their futures. I will embrace them individually, and send them the spirit-to-mortal message, "think of it…..you'll never be lonely again…..we'll have each other." I plan to show them what mischief is all about. As I was a wizard of the practical joke in life, I'll be dynamite in the great beyond.

     I scare people, even without being a ghost. Particularly those who show up in our antique shop, and ask for a discount. I've got a growl right from the grave, and I'm not afraid to use it. This should give me an advantage as a ghost, don't you think. Ugly demeanor in life, really ugly in death. Just thinking!  As I don't believe ghosts are all that frightening, if you know them like I do, I couldn't really use my vapor status to contradict what I've believed throughout my life……that ghosts are harmless anomalies of unharnessed energy. I just couldn't embark on a spiritual campaign of terrorism, even to those I didn't like in life. I didn't say, I wouldn't have any interest in getting even, for some of the hardship they inflicted, over the years, on writer and family. No, that counts. Just nothing too aggressive.

     Okay, so I'd like to jump out of some dark alcove, and scare the piss out of them. I mean that literally. Not because I would be a scary ghost, just one that jumps out of dark alcoves, and even without yelling "boo," can make someone wet themselves. I would simply give them a taste of the awkwardness they afforded me, in life, on oh so many occasions, at work and socially. If the opportunity arose, to drop someone's trousers, by ghostly hand, well then, what a neat ghost I would be…..

     Reminds me, I've got to look up some school yard bullies from yesteryear, to add to the list. I think some spirited underwear yanking might be in order. I know before you say it, that as a ghost, I would be continually reprimanded for breaking protocol for personal satisfaction. I figure the Big Guy would give me a couple of chances, considering how good I've been in life. I hope he's been documenting all my good deeds. This doesn't mean to suggest, being a ghost gives the entity in question unlimited rights to inflict "big scares" out there. There's got to be a code of conduct. Otherwise we'd be dying to get to the otherside. Just a little ghost humor.

     I'm not sure it would be possible to keep from getting bored, at this haunting thing. I'd sort of like to be a "Casper" or a "Slimer," kind of apparition if possible, able to move freely from gig to gig, to catch-up on my daily chores. While most ghosts haunt old houses, buildings, dark stairways and musty attics, I'd greatly prefer the opportunity to haunt your car or van, the neighborhood pub, a country lodge with tavern, an arena, ball diamond or football grid iron. Maybe even a cornfield would be nice. I'd like my hauntings to stay fresh, and my act, up to speed, in order to please the audience. Then those I haunt routinely wouldn't get complacent with me, and tune me out as a specter. I'd like to be the ghost that ripples the still water. The shadow that has a mind of its own. The ghost that stays up late at night, then dumps the chip crumbs on the couch…..knowing you will get blamed for it in the morning.  There's a lot to this ghost thing.

     This is very presumptuous of me, to think I can manipulate heavenly protocols with a cute blog about the afterlife. This is of course, if I make it to heaven in the first place. Maybe God has another plan. The devil may not feel very good about my Rimstead reference at the first of today's blog. Oh well. What's done is done.

     I would try very hard as a ghost, to be an equal opportunity haunter. That's all I want to say. As I've haunted people in this life….as they like to tell me frequently, I think I could do a bang-up job as a ghost.

     Thanks so much for joining today's blog. Please join me again soon. Or I'll haunt you.