Being Polite to One Another, A Lost Art

MANNERS? HERE'S WHAT WE'RE LOSING, FOLKS - AND IGNORANCE APPEARS TO BE THE NEW NORMAL

CORRECTING BAD MANNERS EARLY IN LIFE - WELL, IT WORKS - I'M LIVING PROOF CHANGE IS POSSIBLE

     MY MOTHER MERLE, WAS INSANELY DETERMINED TO PROMOTE GOOD MANNERS. NOT JUST FOR HER ONLY CHILD, BUT FOR ANY KID OR ADULT IN OUR WHOLE TOWN, WHO CROSSED HER PATH.....BUMPED INTO HER, BELCHED, FARTED, OR SPIT IN THE SAME LOCALE AS SHE HAPPENED TO BE SITTING, WALKING OR TALKING. IT WASN'T A PIOUS THING, OR ANYTHING THAT CAME OUT OF HER ATTENDING CHURCH, TWICE ON A SUNDAY, GROWING UP IN A LARGE TORONTO FAMILY. ATTENDING CHURCH IN THE MORNING AND EVENING ON A SUNDAY WASN'T CONSIDERED RELIGIOUS FANATICISM. IT WAS WHAT IT WAS, AND THE ONLY REASON MY GRANDFATHER, STANLEY JACKSON LOST SOME OF HIS GOOD FAITH, WAS WHEN HE BUILT A CONGREGATION THEIR NEW CHURCH, AND THEY REFUSED TO PAY HIM FOR THE WORK. HE DIDN'T LOSE HIS FAITH IN GOD, JUST IN THE BASTARDS WHO SAT IN THE PEWS, WHO NEARLY PUT HIM INTO BANKRUPTCY, SO THEY COULD HAVE A WARM, AND DRY PLACE TO WORSHIP.
     IN MY GRANDPARENTS' TORONTO HOUSE, ALSO BUILT BY MY GRANDFATHER, PROTOCOL AND POLITENESS WERE DEFINITELY ON A PAR WITH GODLINESS. I WAS PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST FREQUENTLY CHASTISED CHILDREN IN THE WHOLE MESS OF GRANDKIDS, TO RUN THROUGH BLANCHE AND STAN'S BEAUTIFUL BRICK AND OAK HOME. WHAT AN ELEGANTLY APPOINTED HOUSE IT WAS, SO THERE WERE EVEN MORE CONVENTIONS OF ETIQUETTE BASED ON THE LOOK OF THE HOUSE. MERLE WOULD BECOME ENRAGED BY MY RUDE BEHAVIOR, BUT BY GOLLY, IT WAS NEVER INTENTIONAL. I KNEW ABOUT THE "BOARDING HOUSE" REACH BEFORE I ACTUALLY LIVED IN ONE, AS A UNIVERSITY STUDENT.
     "TEDDY CURRIE," SHE'D STERNLY REMIND ME. "YOU MUST ASK FOR SOMEONE, CLOSE TO THE BUN BASKET, TO 'PLEASE' PASS THEM DOWN TO YOU, IF YOU WISH ONE." I WONDERED IF, BY CHANCE,  IT WAS THE SAME RULE FOR EXPELLING GAS, SUCH THAT IF YOU ASKED POLITELY, AND IN ADVANCE, WHETHER BREAKING WIND WAS OFFENDING COMMON DECENCY. I JUST WASN'T ABOUT TO ASK MERLE, AND WIND-UP HAVING MY EAR TWISTED OFF. "WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU.......NEVER, NEVER REACH OVER SOMEONE'S PLATE," SHE SAID, ABOUT THE GREAT BUN REACH. THE SOUND OF HER HAND HITTING THE BACK OF MINE, WAS A FAMILIAR DINNER-TIME SOUND, NEXT TO THE SOUNDS OF LADLES IN SERVING BOWLS, HEAPING OUT THE GENEROUS PORTIONS.
     I HEARD THESE GRUFF ONE LINERS,  A LOT OF TIMES IN THE FORMAL DINING DAYS, OF MY YOUTH, BUT BEFORE I ACTUALLY DEPLOYED THE OUTSTRETCHED ARMS, I'D HEAR THE FAINT RUMBLE OF MERLE'S VOICE, DEEP IN HER THROAT, REMINDING ME ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF "MINDING YOUR MANNERS." LONG AFTER MERLE'S PASSING, I STILL HEAR IT, WHEN WE'RE OUT FOR DINNER SOMEWHERE, AND THE URGE TO GRAB-UP A WARM ROLL STRIKES ME WITH HOPEFULNESS.......I WILL GET TO IT BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE. BAD MANNERS. YUP, IT'S HOW I WAS RAISED, AND IT WAS THE RIGHT WAY. IT'S HOW MY WIFE, SUZANNE WAS RAISED, AND OUR TWO BOYS, AND IT IS THE WAY WE WISHED TO BE TREATED. WE DON'T THINK IT'S TOO MUCH TO ASK EITHER.

BAD MANNERS ARE PREVELENT EVERYWHERE

     Since we began the antique shop extension, here at Andrew's Music and Collectibles, back in July, we have not only enjoyed brisk and successful business, and fair profit for our efforts, but have met up with some wonderful people and even some folks who used to visit us, when we had our store in Bracebridge, back in the early 1990's. We've had some compliments, and the very fact that what we have painstakingly collected over the years, is actually selling, we're at least optimistic, our multi-year hiatus from day to day retail, hasn't hurt our ability to buy for others. A huge majority of our customers and otherwise visitors to the shop, have been polite and appreciative of the materials in the collection. A small but significant number, have been horrible, as far as the standards of polite conduct, and fair comment. As we don't engage in arguments with customers, and never have, in any shop or sale that we have been a part, we are now left to grimace in silence, with only the occasional mumble into our shirt collars. In most adverse circumstances, we know how to let off steam, without having to make any retaliatory comment, or correction to a mistaken impression. It wasn't always this way for our store helpers, particularly when my mother did some shifts in the shop to help us out. God help you, if you came into the shop and said, "This place stinks." Let's just say, even if it smelled like a barn full of manure, according to Merle's rules of conduct, you didn't blurt out insults no matter what......unless, as she used to say, "do you want a poke in the eye." She never actually poked anyone in the eye, that I know of, unless it was one of her sisters growing up.
     Merle was just a stickler for protocol, and was a guest lecturer, wherever and whenever the circumstance prevailed; such as how one handles situations with grace and politeness, even in the face of "bald face ignorance." She also impressed upon me the rule, that even if someone is ignorant to you, "you never drop to their level." Thus, I'm assuming this meant, don't be ignorant in retaliation. Merle did believe in corrective measures, and as she said time and again, "You have to nip ignorance before it becomes the rule of conduct." I was thinking about that this afternoon, after the last hour of knobs who have felt it imperative to make comment about the aroma of the shop, the inventory we possess, the displays we have created, and the music we happen to be playing. I have suggested that Suzanne might, in the case of difficult clients, tether me to some unmovable object, or pillar, and muzzle me from making any comment whatsoever, other than nodding appropriately......."yes, we understand how you must feel so terribly disadvantaged, to come into our shop, which we love dearly, and criticize, as is your right, even the most minute detail of the modest offering. Thank you. And come again, why don't you!" When in actuality, I want to tongue lash them into a stupor, and befuddle them with quick, stinging quips, to make them quiver all the way out the door. I am my mother's child. Polite to a fault but the protector of what is right and fair.
     We just had a group of jerks in, and that's all you can call them, because they were only killing time, knocking displays over, unfolding blankets for the hell of it, commenting that they "had never been here before," and then laughing, to the point of tinkling in their pants, about "never coming back." So as they laughed, so did I, and Suzanne came running out of the other room, thinking, I'm sure, "Teddy Currie is being rude to someone." In a month and a half of mainstreeting, we've heard comments like "look at this crap," and "boy, have you ever seen so much junk." Or my favorite, "I threw that out two weeks ago." They like to ridicule us for pricing too high, and believe it or not....."too low," and they don't like the fact you have to walk down a long hallway to get to the second of our two rooms. If we provided a motorized cart for them to make the short hike, they'd still complain that, "do you only have this cart in purple?"
      There are more people than I remember, from my past retail experience, acting like asses, and honestly, it does ruin the retail experience. Even though Suzanne and I bite our tongues through these negative experiences, there are times in every long day, when some clown just happens by experimentation, to find their way under thin skin, for too long; way too long. This would happen once in a blue moon for my mother......who when she did explode, impacted everyone in the vicinity, for however long it took to correct the committed wrong. Once again, Merle believed with all her heart, in the virtues of patience and corrective measures. So instead of striking out at someone, she would be gruff but well within the standards of general politeness, and common courtesy. She would remind whoever made a hurtful, ignorant comment, that it was "nice to be nice." In the case of our store or inventory "smelling", she would remind them, that it really wasn't necessary, or mandated by God, to blurt out every thought or observation about the subject location, one happens to be visiting.  In other words, "suck it up," and save the comments, for discussion outside. "Feel free to never come back again," she'd say, if there was any smart-ass retort. "I hope she doesn't actually poke anyone in the eye," I'd ask Suzanne, half fearing that one day, a belligerent customer would make a sudden left turn, and bump her sense of protocol over the edge.
     Here's the problem with some folks these days......and I stress "some." It's a small percentage now, but I sense there's a tidal wave of customers who feel it is their God given right to unfurl ignorance, as rightfully as they smile or frown at the attending clerk. From what I have experienced in a wide variety of public capacities, including my stints in front-line retail, there is a sense of necessity, for some people, to opine just to hear themselves speak. To make themselves stand out in a crowd, or to let those within ear-shot, know their immense knowledge of such things......and that whatever they say, can change the earthly tides. They want an audience, and if there isn't one, even a clerk in the immediate area, no comments are necessary, as there is no ovation, or round of cheers to be garnered from their snide comments.An audience nearby, means the potential of hardy laughter, and cheers of "right-on" for the effort of reckless, random criticism. I have heard many editorials being expressed by self imposed experts in the field of antiques and collectibles, and on many occasions, knowing I was in place, offered some constructive advise on how to run a successful business. Seeing as I've never had a failed business in my life, I do find it necessary to grab onto my scruples, and defuse the time bomb within, slowly, over the next few moments of retail merchandizing. I know how difficult it must be for those people to "hold their water," so to speak, but geez, don't they realize they are making hurtful, disrespectful comments, intended to sting those who have found this business, their heart's desire......and simply wish to make a modest living. I want to ask them honestly, if making hurtful, smart ass comments, makes them feel better about themselves, and their life circumstances. Does directing critical comments satisfy their urges to change the world, as they know it, and reprimand us for daring to enter into the free market systems in the first place? What exactly would make these people happy? So happy and pleased with the environs, that they wouldn't feel any immediate necessity, to make nasty overtures, and unwanted critiques of our way of life? And I remember what my mother would do, in these circumstances, and for the most part, even she was resigned to the fact, some people are just plain nasty, and even God can't change that biography.
      But you know, on occasion, God does give us a little light hearted moment, to get even. "This piece is priced way too high. Can you do better?" When a nasty customer asks this question, well sir, you know what the short answer will be.      Some times, if the customer insists on badgering the insulted clerk, "me," I can become rather entrenched, as if rooted into the concrete floor, and remove the subject article entirely from the point of contention. "Hey what are you doing with that?" the customer bellows. "It's not for sale," I respond with glee, and a twinkle of the eye, as this is entirely my right to withdraw items at my discretion. So yes there is a negative reaction to being a disrespectful, abusive customer. Talk about chagrin, and the prevailing winds of attitude adjustment. I've watched so many revivals in front of me, where all of a sudden, customer opinions have become so much less aggressive and stinging, as their idea of free speech obviously backfired, and landed in a smoking lump, at their feet. They weren't going to be able to buy what they wanted. They don't like this reversal of situations, where the comments they have made, have ruined their opportunity to purchase items of interest.....for any amount of money. Works like a charm. I love it when they ask to speak to the manager, and that they will have me fired for my actions. I'd fire myself too, if there was someone else to splice in. Not that I'm trying to be mean, but rather, to make a clear statement about our code of conduct here, and it is based, as our family's upbringing, on the principles of good manners, and being neighborly. Like the reclamation of Ebeneezer Scrooge, after being visited by the three spirits of Christmas, I am open to both an apology, and a new customer and owner relationship. It's happened many times in the past. Let's just say, we work out our differences.
     I love meeting up with talkative, happy customers, who enjoy the experience and company, visiting our modest little shop. And they are always treated with respect and kindness, and afforded every privilege of being "friends of the shop owners," which is a nice position to be in, especially when looking for one of those kindness-inspired discounts on a special piece we happen to own. I have lived long enough in this industry, to tell you honestly, that some of our pain in the ass customers, of once, are still coming into our shop, decades later, and always politely, and with a compliment or two for the business opportunity we have provided, for their shopping convenience and satisfaction. So it is possible to change. Sometimes you just need a little shove in the right direction, and that, in our shop, may have been toward the door. There's no reason to be impolite, visiting someone's business, for your own gratification. Go out and shout into the trees or the clear blue sky, but don't take out your bad will on someone just trying to survive in a difficult business climate.
     I have never once, felt the absolute necessity, to express my outrage about someone's business, of which, at that very moment, I happened to be a guest. Yes, it was the way I was brought up, and I know now, why Merle was so hard on me, about such trivial matters as the "boarding house reach," and not belching at the dinner table. I had a guy go by me, a minute ago, belching like an old holstein, and it didn't bother him a bit that my wife was standing nearby. Well, at least he didn't fart, which is a small consolation, but we'll take it as an act of kindness bestowed. There is an old rule about the customer always being right. Nonsense. I've never subscribed to that, and never will, and I'm now past the quarter century mark of business involvement, and still thriving on the foundation of, "shopkeep's rules.....got it!" Here is a news flash. Just about any retailer on the planet could write a similar blog, and right now, after reading this overview, there are a few business people killing themselves laughing, recalling the past business day, being yelled at, haggled to death, critiqued, analyzed and yes, both belched and farted at, because of a general disinterest in good manners. These are the same clods, when shopping at the grocery store, who would leave a brick of ice cream, on a shelf, near the check-out, because they're too freaking lazy, and inconsiderate, to return it back to the cooler. The same goes for meat and produce, jammed on top of the chicklets, at the check-out desk, because, well, "who cares, right?" People like me.....that's who.
     We had a customer inform us, and aggressively so, that she intended to "Jew us down," on the purchase price of items she wished to acquire. It was as if a bomb had gone off in our collective heads. Chins on chest, we just looked at the customer with obvious disdain, and wondered how we could turf her out the door, without violating her constitutional rights. It was a case in point, of the kind of ignorance and insensitivity, retailers have to contend with, and this was one of those "believe it or not" moments, for us, who really do think everyone should be up to speed, on what is acceptable and what is hugely offensive. I wanted to ask what she meant by that, but then I remembered many other people using the same offensive reference, especially back when I was a kid and it seemed a common reference. I confess to being cowardly at this point. We did not give a discount. We did not engage in any other conversation. She made the purchase and left the building. I know that if I want to stay in this line of work, I will have to develop a better strategy for dealing with, and correcting, these kinds of insensitivites, that hurt us all. What if we had been Jewish? What would she have said then? Retaliation in this case, seemed counter-productive, and would have actually drawn attention to her, and the comment, in a busy shop setting. Yet maybe this is what needed to happen. I need help on this one. Maybe we should have refused to sell her anything.
     Thanks for joining today's blog-atorial. It may not be what you want to read, about customer politeness, but well, it's all I've got, standing here, with folks belching their welcomes in my face, and asking for discounts. Hey, we've got lots of mannerly, supportive customers. I wish that was the only kind of customer we had. Then I wouldn't get this urge to jump out from behind my desk, and wrestle them for an apology. I guess I'm the Happy Gilmour of store clerks. I can live with that. I was the same as a journalist. It's an entrenched trait, so when I jump out of my skin, in anger, it's certainly never the case, you can say, "Teddy Currie was acting out of character." "He's just like that," Suzanne says, while wiping the foam from the corner of my mouth. "You never stepped a skate-blade inside his goal crease, when he was playing hockey," she'd say. "And you don't dare tell him he's selling junk in his shop.....or else! The gloves are coming off!"
     It can be said with considerable accuracy, that an ogre works in the antique wing, of Andrew Currie's Music and Collectables.......but a "polite" ogre. And in the immortal words of Thumper the Rabbit, from the movie, "Bambi," If you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all."
     Now don't forget "The Good Brother's" performance, Sunday at 7:30 p.m., at Rotary Gull Lake Park, as the final production of the 2012 "Music on the Barge" season. It may be a little rainy, so it wouldn't hurt to bring an umbrella or rain cap for comfort's sake. There's a thirty to forty percent chance of rain early in the afternoon, but as far as the evening.....looks pretty good.  It's the last one. And it's going to be the best one. See you there. We're the twosome with the seven course picnic lunch, behind Gull Lake Park's most venerable birch. Having the time of our lives.
     Well Mr. Schulz? (Manager of The Barge). Do you have any nails left, or are you working on bone now? Fred hates rain-outs. Wishful thinking, has got us through seven of eight concerts so far this summer. Give us a little help, won't you? Let's mindfully push the rain off to Bracebridge and Orillia for a couple of show-time hours.