Working On Behalf Of Paladin

"HAVE GUN WILL TRAVEL" THE ADVENTURES OF A KID, WORKING ON BEHALF OF "PALADIN"

FREAKING OUT THE NEIGHBORHOOD WITH HIS BUSINESS CARDS

     IN A SMALL ANTIQUE MALL, NORTH OF ORILLIA, I RECENTLY FOUND A VINTAGE GAME, I'D BEEN LOOKING FOR SINCE MY SIXTH OR SEVENTH BIRTHDAY. THAT'S WHEN I GAVE ALL MY "HAVE GUN WILL TRAVEL" CALLING CARDS OUT, PRESUMABLY WITH THE FULL ENDORSEMENT OF MY COWBOY HERO, "PALADIN." SO WHEN I SAW THE ASSORTMENT OF PALADIN GAME PIECES, AND A FEW GAME "CALLING CARDS," I TOLD SUZANNE SHE HAD TO LOAN ME FIVE BUCKS....THE VERY MODEST PRICE, EVEN THOUGH PARTS WERE MISSING. THE CLERK OF THE SHOP MAY HAVE WONDERED WHY I WOULD WANT TO OWN A PARTIAL GAME FROM THE EARLY 1960'S. IN CASE SHE'S READING THIS, HERE'S MY EXPLANATION.

     AS A KID, ROAMING THE STREETS OF BURLINGTON, ONTARIO, I ALWAYS CARRIED A GUN IN MY LOW-SLUNG HOLSTER. I DREW MY WEAPON ON EVERYBODY BACK THEN, INCLUDING THE MILK MAN, THE BREAD MAN, THE KNIFE AND SCISSOR SHARPENING MAN, THE YUMMY MAN, EATONS AND SIMPSON'S DELIVERY MEN, THE APARTMENT BUILDING OWNERS, OTHER RESIDENTS, AND ALL THE NEIGHBORS ON THAT BLOCK. I ACTUALLY HAD A FAST DRAW, BUT NOTHING CAME OUT OF THE BARREL, EXCEPT AN ECHO OF THE METAL HAMMER ENGAGING. I SHOT A LOT OF FOLKS FOR BEING IN MY WAY, BUT THERE WERE NO CASUALTIES THAT I KNOW OF....UNLESS YOU CONSIDER MY MOTHER FALLING DOWN THE STAIRS AT THE FRONT OF THE BUILDING, AFTER I SURPRISED HER WITH MY SUDDEN "OUT OF THE SHADOWS" GUN-PLAY.

     FOR MY BIRTHDAY, WHEN I WAS MAYBE SIX OR SEVEN, I CAN'T BE SURE, MY PARENTS GAVE ME THIS SWELL GAME, AND A COWBOY HAT....WHITE OF COURSE, AND IT ALL KIND OF CENTERED AROUND MY LOVE FOR THE TELEVISION SHOW, "HAVE GUN WILL TRAVEL." I BECAME A TELEVISION FANATIC FROM THE FIRST KIDS SHOWS I WATCHED, ON THAT TINY 1950'S BLACK AND WHITE. AS IT BROKE DOWN A LOT, I NEVER ONCE SHOT THE TELEVISION REPAIRMAN, BECAUSE IF I DID, WELL, HOW WOULD I WATCH MY FAVORITE SHOWS? SO I SPARED HIM. I GOT MY DATE WITH PALADIN EACH WEEK, AND HE TAUGHT ME HOW TO BE THE BEST GUNSLINGER, GOOD GUY, I COULD BE. SO IF YOU HAPPENED TO BE IN THAT NEIGHBORHOOD, BACK THEN, AND I SHOT YOU, I OFFER MY SINCERE APOLOGY. IF I GAVE YOU ONE OF PALADIN'S CALLING CARDS, AND YOU STILL HAVE IT, WOULD YOU PLEASE GIVE IT BACK. APPARENTLY, I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO PASS THEM DOOR TO DOOR, ON HARRIS CRESCENT, AND TORRANCE AVENUE. NO ONE TOLD ME, UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE. OOPS!

     I THOUGHT, YOU SEE, THAT AS PALADIN GAVE OUT HIS CALLING CARDS, AND I WAS HIS BURLINGTON AGENT, BECAUSE I OWNED THE GAME, I SHOULD LET MY FELLOW CITIZENS KNOW, I WAS AVAILABLE TO ASSIST WRANGLING ANY BAD GUYS, WHO HAPPENED TO BE BOTHERING THEM. IT MIGHT HAVE MEANT A GUNFIGHT, BUT WHAT THE HECK. WITH A DRAW LIKE MINE, I WASN'T GOING TO GET THE SILVER MEDAL. WHAT MY MOTHER DIDN'T ANTICIPATE WAS MY CAPABILITY TO OUTREACH QUICKLY. I DECKED MYSELF OUT, WITH HAT, GUN AND HOLSTER, AND POSSIBLY SPURS ON MY RUBBER BOOTS, AND A POCKET FULL OF CALLING CARDS. WELL SIR, I HIT EVERY HOUSE AND APARTMENT IN THAT LAKESHORE NEIGHBORHOOD, LEAVING THE CARDS TUCKED INTO, OR UNDER THEIR FRONT DOORS. I WAS GOING TO CLEAN-UP BURLINGTON ONE BLOCK AT A TIME.

     I ARRIVED HOME FEELING PRETTY GOOD ABOUT MYSELF. I POSSIBLY SHOT TWO OR THREE PEOPLE THAT DAY, WHO SEEMED TO BE CHALLENGING MY RIGHT TO TRAVEL THESE WIDE OPEN SPACES. I PULLED UP A CHAIR TO THE KITCHEN TABLE, AND HAD A BIG GLASS OF MILK WITH SOME COOKIES. I WOULDN'T HAVE TAKEN TWO BITES, OR SIPPED MORE THAN ONCE, BEFORE PEOPLE BEGAN SHOWING UP AT OUR APARTMENT DOOR. THIS WASN'T UNUSUAL, UNTIL, OF COURSE, I HEARD THAT FAMILIAR QUESTION MY MOTHER USED TO ASK, AT LEAST A DOZEN TIMES EACH WEEK. "TEDDY CURRIE, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?' WELL, APPARENTLY, I HAD FREAKED-OUT THE NEIGHBORHOOD, WHO HAD SEEN ME ON THEIR VERANDAHS, BUT HADN'T ANSWERED THE DOOR WHILE I WAS STILL ON THEIR PROPERTY. I WAS THE ORIGINAL "DENNIS THE MENACE." I COULD CAUSE HAVOC JUST BY STEPPING FOOT ON A NEIGHBOR'S LAWN, OR AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT THEY'D TELL MY MOTHER. "WHY DID YOUR SON LEAVE THIS CARD AT OUR DOOR," THEY'D ASK, WHILE MY MOTHER LAUGHED, AND TRIED TO BRUSH IT ALL OFF, AS A CHILD'S FOLLY. MOST OF THESE PEOPLE, COULD HAVE WRITTEN CHAPTERS ON MY FOLLIES, OF WHICH I WAS FAMOUS, PARTICULARLY THE TRESPASSING PART. I FELT THAT NO ONE COULD OWN GOD'S EARTH....AND THAT SHARING WAS THE OPERATIVE WORD.

     ON THE REVERSE SIDE OF PALADIN'S CALLING CARD, DIFFERENT MESSAGES WERE PRINTED, SUCH AS "PALADIN - LARIAT RILEY HOLDING SHERIFF CAPTIVE IN HILLS. WE WILL PAY $7,000 FOR HIS CAPTURE, A. BLACK." I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY OF THESE CARDS WERE GIVEN OUT, BUT I DO KNOW THAT IT WAS A REALLY BUSY AFTERNOON, AND EARLY EVENING, AT OUR APARTMENT. SOME WHO KNEW MY PARENTS, MADE PHONE CALLS INSTEAD, AND MY MOTHER ANSWERED THEM WITH AN INSTANT APOLOGY, FOR THE ACTIONS OF HER CHILD. FOR SOME OF THE NASTIER NEIGHBORS, HER RESPONSE WASN'T MUCH MORE THAN, "BUT, BUT, MRS. WHITE, BUT, HE WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN!" TILL THE NEXT TIME, I'D MUTTER TO MYSELF.

     AFTER IT HAD ALL SETTLED DOWN, MERLE SAT ME ON THE SOFA, AND ASKED ME WHY I HAD HANDED OUT ALL THE CARDS FROM MY GAME......THAT WERE SUPPOSED TO STAY WITH THE GAME BOARD. "NOW YOU CAN'T PLAY YOUR BIRTHDAY PRESENT, BECAUSE YOU GAVE AWAY ALL THE GAME CARDS." WHAT KID, HAVING DONE SOMETHING LIKE THIS, WOULD HAVE HAD ANY RESPONSE, OTHER THAN TO HOLD HIS OR HER HEAD LOW, AND FEIGN BEING SORRY. I WASN'T, BUT BEING A SMART-ALEC, WASN'T GOING TO CUT IT EITHER. SHE CONFESSED THAT IT WASN'T THE CASE I HAD TO BE PUNISHED, WHICH WAS BY ITSELF PRETTY GOOD NEWS, BUT SHE HATCHED THIS IDEA; THAT I SHOULD WALK WITH HER AROUND THE CRESCENT, OFFERING SINCERE APOLOGY, TO ALL THOSE RESIDENTS OFFENDED BY THE INTRUSION ON THEIR RESPECTIVE SANCTUARIES. FUNNY THING ABOUT THAT EXERCISE! I GOT MORE CAKE, COOKIES, AND APPLE TREATS THAN MY MOTHER COULD HAVE EVER IMAGINED, FORCING ME TO DO THE RIGHT THING. JUST ABOUT EVERY DOOR I WENT TO, WITH MY LITTLE WHITE COWBOY HAT, PULLED DOWN OVER MY EARS, THE HOMEOWNER NOT ONLY ACCEPTED THE APOLOGY, BUT INVITED ME INTO THEIR KITCHENS, TO TAKE MY PICK OF FRESH COOKIES OR TO SELECT A PLUMP PEAR, PEACH OR APPLE FROM THE TABLE. I THINK THESE FOLKS WERE A TAD IRKED MY MOTHER HAD INSISTED ON TAKING ME HOUSE TO HOUSE, TO ADDRESS EACH PERSON, WHO HAD RECEIVED ONE OF MY PALADIN CALLING CARDS. STRANGE THAT I NEVER GOT ONE OF THE CARDS BACK IN MY HANDS. MERLE INTERCEPTED THEM ALL, AND I WAS NEVER ALLOWED TO HAVE THEM AGAIN. SHE REALLY DID FEAR THAT I WOULD REPEAT THE OFFENSE. MY DAD TOLD ME MERLE HAD BEEN TERRIBLY EMBARRASSED IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD, BUT I DIDN'T REALLY KNOW WHAT THAT MEANT IN SOCIAL TERMS. SO THE GAME WAS PRETTY MUCH USELESS, AFTER THIS. I CAME HOME FROM SCHOOL ONE DAY, AND IT WAS GONE, WITHOUT EXPLANATION. MERLE USED TO DO THAT A LOT, AND THEN FOB-IT-OFF ON ME FOR LOSING IT. I GOT TO THE POINT OF BELIEVING SHE WAS ACTUALLY WELCOMING THE APARTMENT KIDS, TO SHOP IN HER SON'S ROOM, WHEN I WAS PLAYING OUTSIDE. THEY STARTED APPEARING WITH ITEMS I WAS SURE I HAD ONCE OWNED.

     I ALWAYS REMEMBER WHAT MERLE USED TO SAY TO ME, BEFORE I WENT TO SCHOOL, OR TO SOMEONE'S HOUSE TO PLAY. "REMEMBER, YOU ARE REPRESENTING THE FAMILY NAME, WHEN YOU'RE OUT THERE. IF YOU DO SOMETHING BAD, IT WILL REFLECT BACK ON YOUR PARENTS." NO KIDDING. SHE STARTED WARNING ME ABOUT THIS FROM MY FIRST DAYS AT SCHOOL. IT WAS A LITTLE INSENSITIVE, I THINK. ONE MORNING, AFTER GETTING HIT BY A CAR, IN THE LANE OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD MARKET GARDEN, MY BIGGEST CONCERN WAS HOW I WAS GOING TO BREAK IT TO MY MOTHER. I WASN'T HURT BADLY. JUST A BRUISED KNUCKLE, WHERE THE BUMPER HIT MY HAND, WHILE I WAS CROSSING A DRIVEWAY ON MY BIKE. I FELL BUT THE DRIVER WAS ABLE TO STOP BEFORE CRUSHING ME BENEATH. I WASN'T CRYING BECAUSE THE COLLISION HURT SO MUCH, BUT FROM THE FEAR OF WHAT I WAS GOING TO BE ABLE TO WORD-SMITH, TO COUNTER WHAT THE NEARBY RESIDENTS WERE GOING TO TELL HER, WHEN SHE GOT HOME FROM WORK. YOU KNOW WHAT? SHE NEVER FOUND OUT, UNTIL ABOUT FIVE YEARS BEFORE HER DEATH.....WHEN I WAS IN MY EARLY FIFTIES. SHE WENT WHITE IN THE FACE, AND I THOUGHT SHE WAS STROKING-OUT. GOSH, WAS SHE EVER MAD. BOTTOM LINE FOR ME, WAS THAT I GOT A GRACE PERIOD OF NEARLY A HALF CENTURY, TO BUILD UP THE COURAGE TO CONFESS. "YOU COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED TEDDY CURRIE. THE NEIGHBORS MUST HAVE THOUGHT WE WERE TERRIBLE PARENTS." THAT WAS MY MOM. WORRIED ABOUT ME, BUT DEEPLY CONCERNED ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THOUGHT OF US. THE OLD FART THAT HIT ME.....AND IT WAS HIS FAULT? I SHOT HIM, LATER THAT SAME DAY, WHEN HE WAS EXITING THE FARM. I CALLED HIM OUT, BUT HE DIDN'T WANT A FAIR FIGHT. HE JUST AIMED THAT CAR AT ME AGAIN, AND I SHOT HIM MULTIPLE TIMES; WITH MY SECOND HAND SNAPPING THE HAMMER LIKE MY OLD FRIEND AND HERO, PALADIN! I KNEW HE WOULDN'T TELL MY MOTHER I'D SHOT HIM, BECAUSE THEN HE WOULD HAVE TO EXPLAIN NEARLY RUNNING ME OVER, AND NOT REPORTING IT TO POLICE. I KNOW FOR FACT, MERLE WOULD HAVE THRASHED THAT DRIVER IN OH SO MANY WAYS. SO TAKING AN INVISIBLE BULLET OR TWO, WAS MODEST RETRIBUTION, FOR HITTING THE COWBOY-KID OF HARRIS CRESCENT.