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| A German Painting From Early Years of the 1900's. Signed Original |
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| A Summer Landscape potentially of Bass Rock on the Muskoka River by Bracebridge's Barber/Artist William Anderson |
THE NON-ALCOHOLIC NEW YEARS I SPENT AT HOME IN GRAVENHURST - HARRY POTTER, ZAPPA THE CAT, AND ROOF SHOVELING
WHAT A STRANGE EVENING
WE JUST GOT HOME TO BIRCH HOLLOW FROM OUR ANTIQUE SHOP, AND I WAS FINISHING THE LAST FEW MOMENTS OF DR. OZ ON CTV, WHILE READING (THE BEST I COULD) THROUGH AN EARLY 1920'S GERMAN MEDICAL BOOK THAT WE PURCHASED RECENTLY, AS A PAIR, FROM A LOCAL ESTATE SALE. THE ILLUSTRATIONS ARE AMAZING. THE ONLY REAL SHORTFALL OF THE BOOK, IS THAT IT HAS SOME ISSUES WITH THE SPINES, ON BOTH, AND I WILL NEED TO PERFORM SOME BASIC SURGERY, TO SECURE A FEW LOOSE PAGES. IT HAS A MULTI-LAYER GRAPHIC INSERT, OF THE HUMAN BODY, THAT IS ONE OF THE MOST ELABORATE I'VE EVER SEEN FOR THE PERIOD; SO I WAS RIGHT INTO THAT….AS DR. OZ WAS TALKING ABOUT PARASITES IN CERTAIN FOOD PRODUCTS, AND HOW YOU FIND EVIDENCE OF THEM IN YOUR POOP. GREAT. NOW I HAD THAT TO WORRY ABOUT TOO. OPPOSITE SUBJECTS BUT I WAS LISTENING TO HIM (I FOLLOW HIM DAILY) AND FLIPPING THROUGH THE OVER-LAYS OF THE SKELETON, WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, THERE WAS THIS HUGE CRASH SOMEWHERE INSIDE, OR JUST OUTSIDE THE HOUSE.
FOR THE PAST TWO WEEKS I'VE BEEN CAREFULLY WATCHING OUR SNOW-LOAD INCREASE ONE DAY, AND DECREASE THE NEXT. THE TWO DAY MELT REDUCED QUITE A BIT OF SNOW THAT HAD CURLED OVER THE TROUGH, WHICH SEEMED A PRETTY FAIR REDUCTION OF WEIGHT. I BECAME LESS WORRIED. THEN AFTER THE SNOW YESTERDAY, A LITTLE TENSE ONCE AGAIN. WE HAVE ROOF TRUSSES, AND WE'VE NEVER ONCE HAD A PROBLEM, IN ANY WINTER, SINCE WE'VE LIVED AT BIRCH HOLLOW, WHICH DATES BACK TO 1989. I'VE SHOVELED THE ROOF TWICE IN THIS TIME, BOTH I'M TOLD BY OLDTIMERS, WAS UNNECESSARY BASED ON THE ESTIMATED SURFACE WEIGHT. I JUST COULDN'T RELAX WITH THE LARGE SNOW-LOAD, AND EVERY STRANGE SOUND HERE, TO ME, ON THE EDGE, MIGHT HAVE BEEN THE HARBINGER OF A TOTAL ROOF COLLAPSE. WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE OF THE QUALITY OF THE ROOF ITSELF, AND THE FACT I HAVE STUDIED ADVISORIES ABOUT WHAT TO LOOK FOR, WHEN THE ROOF HAS JUST ABOUT REACHED ITS LIMIT. DOORS FOR EXAMPLE, NOT CLOSING AS THEY SHOULD. SHUDDERING OF THE BUILDING MIGHT INDICATE SEVERAL MORE MOMENTS, BEFORE THE CHIMNEY CAP IS ACTUALLY SMOKING IN THE HEARTH.
SUZANNE STOPPED WHAT SHE WAS WORKING ON IN THE KITCHEN, AND I PUT MY SKELETON BACK IN THE BOOK. WE BEGAN LOOKING AROUND THE INTERIOR OF THE HOUSE, FOR ANYTHING UNUSUAL OR SNOW-COVERED. WE HAVE A COVERED PORCH AT THE FRONT OF THE HOUSE, SO AFTER WE CHECKED UPSTAIRS AND DOWN, AND COULD FIND NOTHING UNUSUAL, WE DECIDED TO GO OUT AND CHECK THE ROOF POSTS, THAT SUPPORT THE FRONT EDGE OF THE ROOF IN THAT SECTION. SEEING AS WE COULDN'T GET TO IT THAT EASILY, WITHOUT SHOVELING FOR AWHILE, I DECIDED NOT TO WASTE ANY TIME, AND BEGAN DIGGING OUT THE EXTENSION LADDER, WHICH THE BOYS HAD BURIED WITH THEIR KIND PATH-CLEARING SINCE EARLY DECEMBER. IT TOOK ME A HALF HOUR TO FREE IT UP, FROM THE BED OF ICE, AND ITS HARD-PACKED MANTLE OF SNOW, AND THE NEW YEAR'S AIR WAS FULL OF PROFANITY, COUGHING, GAGGING AND MORE CURSING. SO I HAD TO ASK SUZANNE TO KEEP IT DOWN, FOR THE SAKE OF THE NEIGHBOR KIDS. ONLY KIDDING. SUZANNE DOESN'T CUSS. JUST HITS THINGS. TONIGHT SHE WAS HITTING SNOWBANKS AND ICE MOUNDS, AS HARD AS IF THEY HAD BEEN THE FORMED BLOCKS OF AN IGLOO. HER JOB WAS TO DIG A PATHWAY IN FRONT OF THE PORCH, SO THAT WE COULD MOVE THE LADDER TO THE END OF THE HOUSE. OURS IS A LONG NARROW HOUSE, SO SHE HAD A HUGE JOB AHEAD.
THE PURPOSE OF THE LADDER, WAS TO GET UP TO THE ROOF AND CLEAR OFF THE SECTION OVER THE PORCH, AND KNOCK SOME OF THESE ICY SNOW CURLS OFF THE EAVES TROUGH…..WHICH WAS INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT BECAUSE OF THE DENSITY OF THE SNOW, AT THESE ARCS, HANGING OVER OUR WALKWAY. I GOT SO MAD, AT ONE POINT, I WAS PUNCHING THE OVERHANGS OF SNOW, AND ONLY SLIGHTLY CAUSING A BREAKING AWAY OF THE CLUMPS. THIS WAS A FIRST FOR ME. I CAN'T EVEN DRAW A PRECEDENT FROM THE PAST. IT WAS INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT TO EVEN KEEP THE SHOVEL ON THE ROOF, BECAUSE OF THE ICE COATING, THAT KEPT SLIDING IT OFF THE EDGE. I HAD TO KEEP RAISING THE SHOVEL BACK UP, AND AFTER ONLY TWO OR THREE MOVEMENTS, IT WOULD COME FLYING OFF THE ROOF AND SWING DOWN LIKE A PENDULUM….TWICE JUST MISSING SUZANNE'S TOQUE, HITTING MY LEG INSTEAD. AN HOUR INTO "OPERATION SNOW-LOAD," I FINALLY STARTED TO USE THE LADDER ITSELF, AS A SORT OF SNOW-SAW, TIPPING IT FROM SIDE TO SIDE, LIKE A WINDSHIELD WIPER, TO REDUCE SOME OF THE BULGES. IT WORKED BETTER THAN THE SHOVEL. SO AFTER TWO AND A HALF HOURS, WE HAD REDUCED THE BURDEN ON THE ROOF BY A THIRD, AND DECIDED TO TAKE A BREAK UNTIL MORNING, WHEN THE BOYS WOULD BE HOME TO GIVE US A HAND….AND A SHOVEL. WE LOOKED LIKE TWO STUPID SNOW-PEOPLE, AND THE KIDS WALKING BY ALONG THE STREET, WERE POINTING AT US AND LAUGHING. "LOOK, THERE…..ALF AND RALPH SNOWMEN," OBVIOUSLY IN REFERENCE TO THE SHOVELS OVER OUR SHOULDERS, AND THE FACT WE WERE COATED IN SNOW AND ICE. THE "ALF AND RALPH" PART WAS A LITTLE OUT-THERE, AND WE ASSUME THEIR PARENTS MUST HAVE GOT A DVD SET OF OLD "GREEN ACRES" EPISODES FOR CHRISTMAS. ALF AND RALPH WERE THE HAPLESS BROTHER-SISTER CONTRACTORS, WHO CAUSED MR. DOUGLAS SO MUCH CHAGRIN AT THE GREEN ACRES FARM.
SUZANNE AND I, VETERANS OF THE ANTIQUE TRADE, ARE USED TO HEAVY HAULING, AND CARTING BOX LOADS ALL OVER THE PLACE; BUT THIS WINTER SHOVELING THING FOUND THE AREAS OF OUR BODIES, THAT WERE NOT GETTING A REGULAR, DAY TO DAY, WORK OUT. IT TOOK US TWO HOURS TO DRY OUT, AND WARM UP, AND FOR THE TINGLING TO STOP IN MY FACE. SUZANNE TRIED TO TAKE SOME OF THE ICE OUT OF MY BEARD, AT THE DOOR, AND WHEN SHE DID, (AS IT WAS ALSO NOTICED), SHE HAD INADVERTENTLY REMOVED SUBSTANTIAL CHUNKS OF MY BEARD AT THE SAME TIME. I HAD TO ORDER HER TO CEASE AND DESIST AT THAT POINT. I CAN REMEMBER BEING AT A HUGE MUSKOKA CROSS COUNTRY SKI EVENT, ONE YEAR AS A PHOTOGRAPHER, WITH A TEMPERATURE OF MINUS THIRTY, AND SEEING COMPETITORS AT THE END OF THE RACE, DOING MUCH THE SAME THING. ON THIS OCCASION, THEIR SKIN WAS FROZEN JUST ENOUGH TO MAKE THE "PULLING OF THE HAIR," SEEM A MINOR ISSUE, TO REMOVING THE ICE. AFTER WARMING-UP, THESE SAME CHAPS WERE IN CONSIDERABLE DISCOMFORT, AS THE SENSATIONS WERE RETURNING WITH A LITTLE MORE THAN A TINGLE. YOU CAN'T JUST RIP HAIR OUT IN CHUNKS WITHOUT COLLATERAL DAMAGE. SOME OF THESE GUYS WERE IN SO MUCH PAIN, THEY WERE ACTUALLY CRYING. BEEN THERE, DONE THAT! LAST NIGHT IN FACT. I WAS SCREAMING SILENTLY, LET'S JUST SAY THAT. I WON'T CRY IN FRONT OF MY WIFE. JUST A GUY THING!
AFTER DINNER, WE BOTH SAT BENEATH QUILTS AND WATCHED THE CTV MOVIE OF THE NIGHT, ONE OF THE HARRY POTTER FILMS (NOT SURE WHICH ONE), AND FELT OUR BODIES REACTING TO THE ABUSE FROM OUR SNOW CLIMBING AND ROOF CLEARING PROJECT. IT'S HOW I USED TO FEEL AFTER A HOCKEY GAME, PLAYING NET FOR THREE PERIODS. WE ALWAYS HAD A CRAPPY DEFENCE. I LOOKED PRETTY ROUGH, WALKING THROUGH THE HOUSE TO THE BATHROOM, AND SUZANNE COULD ONLY LOOK DOWN, AND SIDEWAYS, BECAUSE SHE'D STRAINED HER NECK. SOME TIME BEFORE I HAD TO GO OUT TO PICK UP OUR LADS, WHO WERE AT A LITTLE SOCIAL GATHERING UP TOWN, I HAPPENED TO STOP BY MY DESK ON THE WAY TO THE BEDROOM. I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE OUR CAT "ZAPPA," HAD FOUND A NEW PLACE TO SIT BY THE WINDOW……ON A SHELF OF THE OLD ORGAN FROM THE UFFORD UNITED CHURCH, THAT WE BROUGHT HOME FROM THE COTTAGE. I STOOD THERE, LOOKING AT THE FURRY BEAST (ZAPPA), THINKING SOMETHING WAS ODD ABOUT THE SCENE MORE SO THAN JUST AND OUT-OF-PLACE CAT. WE HAVE AN AWFUL PROBLEM KEEPING THE CATS OFF CERTAIN PIECES OF FURNITURE, AND WELL AWAY FROM SOME OF OUR FAMILY HEIRLOOMS. SHE WAS SITTING ON TWO OLD BOOKS, WHICH BOTHERED ME INITIALLY. THEN IT CAME TO ME. "SUZANNE, CAN YOU COME AND HELP ME," I YELLED TO MY DEAR WIFE, WHO WAS SNORING AWAY OUR NEW YEARS TOGETHER. SHE COUGHED AND GROANED, AND SOON HOBBLED OVER TO SEE WHAT I WAS STUDYING. "ZAPPA HAD KNOCKED OVER THE LAMP DOWN ONTO THE ORGAN KEYBOARD…..AND IT'S FALLEN BEHIND THE CHINA CUPBOARD." "SO IT HAS," SHE ANSWERED, COMING UP WITH THE NOW-BATTERED CHROME OIL LAMP, CONVERTED TO ELECTRICITY, AND THE SHADE. ZAPPA, THE LITTLE LONG-HAIRED BUGGER, HAD WORKED HER WAY IN BEHIND THE LAMP, AS THEY DO HABITUALLY TO OUR STUFF, AND EVENTUALLY PUSHED IT OFF THE SHELF BY STRETCHING. OUR CATS ARE JUST LIKE CHILDREN, AND PUSH THE LIMITS THE SAME AS ANDREW AND ROBERT DID, IN THEIR RESPECTIVE PLAY AND PRANKS.
STUDYING THE TWO NEW DINTS IN THE SIDE OF THE METAL LAMP, I SAID, "THIS WOULD HAVE MADE QUITE A BANG WOULDN'T IT?" WE BOTH JUST STOOD THERE, LOOKING AT THE PARTS OF THE LAMPS IN OUR HANDS, AND THE CAT ON THE SHELF, WIGGLING ITS LITTLE WHISKERS, LIKE IT WAS AGREEING WITH US. "YOU DON'T SUPPOSE…..DO YOU, THAT IT WAS WHAT WE HEARD," SHE ASKED, LOOKING AT THE SCRATCH ON THE ORGAN COVERING, THAT SLIDES OVER THE KEYBOARD. WELL, YOU SEE, IT'S LIKE THIS. THE CHROME LAMP FELL ABOUT TWO FEET, ONTO A WOOD COVERING, THAT HAS A HOLLOW WITHIN, TO PROTECT THE ORGAN KEYBOARD…..THE SAME AS ON A PIANO. SO WHEN THE LAMP HIT THE COVER, IT LET LOOSE AN ECHO THAT COMPOUNDED THE SOUND OF IMPACT, INCLUDING THE SHADE BOUNCING DOWN ITS LENGTH INTO THE CHINA CUPBOARD. SO WHAT WE HAD WORRIED WAS A CRACKING OF THE FOUR BY FOUR POSTS, HOLDING UP THE PORCH, WAS A 1930'S CHROME LAMP HITTING AN 1870'S ORGAN. WE LOOKED AT EACH OTHER, MUTTERED A FEW WORDS OF THANKS, AND OTHER STATEMENTS NOT FITTING FOR A CHRISTIAN HOMESTEAD. "WELL, WE NEEDED TO DO THE ROOF ANYWAY," SUZANNE REMARKED, AND WHAT ELSE COULD I DO, OTHER THAN CONCUR. "YES, YOU'RE RIGHT." ZAPPA SEEMED CONTENTED WE WEREN'T GOING TO PUT THE LAMP BACK ON THE SHELF, AND ALLOWING HER TO STAY IN THE TINY PORTAL AT THE SIDE OF OUR FRONT WINDOW. JUST A FEW MOMENTS AGO, ZAPPA HAD BEEN JOINED BY HER SISTER CAT, "CHUTNEY," IN THE SAME POCKET, WHICH IS TOO SMALL FOR EVEN ONE CAT. BY THE END OF THE DAY THERE WILL BE THREE IN THE SAME SPACE…..POTENTIALLY THEIR MOTHER BEASLEY WILL TRY TO FIT INTO THE FEW INCHES LEFT TO SPARE. THESE ARE OUR CATS. NEVER A DULL MOMENT. HONESTLY, IT WAS EASIER TO RAISE THE WEE LADS, THAN THESE CATS THAT HAVE NEVER LEFT THE KITTEN PHASE.
WHEN I HAD TO GO OUT LATER, IN THE EVENING, TO PICK UP THE BOYS, THE VAN WAS COVERED IN ABOUT A FOOT OF NEWLY FALLEN SNOW, THE DRIVEWAY WAS PLUGGED AGAIN, AND I GOT STUCK TWICE, ONCE IN THE DRIVEWAY, AND ONCE ON THE ROAD. WHEN I FINALLY GOT LOOSE (I WAS YELLING PROFANITIES LIKE THE FATHER IN THE MOVIE "CHRISTMAS STORY") AND SOME TRACTION, I HAD TO PLOW THROUGH THE SNOW OF THE EVENING, AND IT WAS TREACHEROUS. I CUSSED TO MYSELF ALL THE WAY UP TO JOHN STREET. THEN IT WAS UP TO "THE RAMONES," PLAYING ON THE RAIDO, TO GET ME THE REST OF THE WAY. I CRANKED UP THEIR SONG, "I WANT TO BE SEDATED," WHICH WAS PERFECT FOR THE WAY I WAS FEELING, PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY AT THAT MOMENT. I DIDN'T HAVE A PLOW ON THE VAN BUT I WAS CLEARING THE ROAD ANY WAY. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A DANGEROUS DRIVE HOME FOR ANY ONE LAST EVENING…..EVEN ON TOWN STREETS. IT TOOK US TWENTY MINUTES TO INCH OUR WAY THE EIGHT BLOCKS FROM UPTOWN TO BIRCH HOLLOW. THE BOYS HAD TO UNCLENCH MY FINGERS OFF THE WHEEL WHEN WE FINALLY ARRIVED IN THE DRIVEWAY SAFE AND SOUND. I NEEDED TO OLD HIKING STICKS TO HELP ME CLIMB UP THE HILLSIDE TO THE HOUSE….SHIVERING ALL THE WAY.
I HEARD A NEIGHBOR SAY TO HIS WIFE, EARLIER IN THE EVENING, WHILE CLEANING HIS CAR…."GOD I LOVE MUSKOKA……IN MY REAR VIEW MIRROR!" I STARTED TO LAUGH, BECAUSE IT WAS JUST ABOUT WHAT I WAS THINKING AS WELL…..BUT I WAS DOING SO UP A LADDER, PUNCHING MY FIST INTO SNOW BULGES. A LOT OF GOOD THAT WAS DOING….BUT IT FELT RIGHT AT THE TIME. I LOVE MUSKOKA BUT I WAS KIND OF HOPING FOR A TROPICAL WINTER LIKE THE ONES WE USED TO KNOW. THIS IS GOING TO BE A BEAST. GOSH, IT'S ONLY A WEEK INTO THE WINTER SEASON, AND I'M ALREADY TIRED OF IT! THINK "EARLY SPRING, EARLY SPRING!" "JUST NO FLOODING THIS TIME."
I'M GOING TO SIT BY THE HEARTH NOW, AND THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS. WE'VE GOT A NEW YEAR'S DINNER COMING UP, AND I'M RAVENOUS ALREADY, AND IT'S ONLY A FEW HOURS AFTER BREAKFAST. I TOLD SUZANNE, THAT AS I'M WORKING LIKE A PIONEER, AND THIS IS STARTING TO LOOK MORE LIKE A LUMBER CAMP, THAN A HOME, I NEED A LOGGER'S HARDY FOOD ALLOTMENT……NONE OF THESE FINGER FOOD ITEMS. SHE'S TRYING TO PUT ME ON ANOTHER DIET, AND I'M RESISTING AS IS MY CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT. SHE'S MAD I COERCED THE BOYS TO BUY ME FOOD FOR MY CHRISTMAS PRESENTS, SO SHE KNOWS I'M INTO THE BEAUTIFUL LENGTH AND WIDTH OF SUMMER SAUSAGE THAT IS MY CRACK COCAIN. "HOW DID MR. CURRIE DIE?" "I HEARD IT WAS DEATH MY SUMMER SAUSAGE AND PICKLED EGGS."
HOPE ALL IS WELL FOR YOU, ON THIS BRIGHT AND SHINY NEW YEARS DAY 2014. THE ANTIQUE TALE PUBLISHED BELOW, IS FROM THE BOOK I INTEND TO ONE DAY COMPILE……INSIDE THE PRETTY PAPER WRAP, WITH THE TITLE BEING, "YOU WON'T BELIEVE THE THINGS THIS ANTIQUE DEALER GOT UP TO."
MY PHOTOGRAPHER FRIEND, FRED SHULZ, LET ME KNOW LAST EVENING, THAT HE HAS SOME BIG PROJECTS UP FOR THE COMING YEAR, AND WILL NO LONGER BE ABLE TO SEND IN HIS MUSKOKA PHOTOS. WELL, IT WAS GOOD FUN WHILE IT LASTED. SO IN ITS PLACE, SON ROBERT WILL BE TAKING SOME PHOTOS FOR ME, ESPECIALLY SOME SHOTS OF OUR NEWEST ARRIVALS ON THE ANTIQUE FRONT. THANKS AGAIN FRED, FOR YOUR MANY CONTRIBUTIONS IN 2013.
ALL IT TAKES IS ONE FIND - AND RETIREMENT WILL BE PAID - BUT THEN AGAIN
THERE ARE HUGE FINDS TO MAKE - A MILES YET TO TRAVEL
I DON'T REALLY THINK ANTIQUE DEALERS RELATE TOO MUCH TO THE "INDIANA JONES" MODEL, WHEN THEY TRAVEL-ABOUT, IN THEIR MOTOR VEHICLES, LOOKING FOR INTERESTING HERITAGE AND HEIRLOOM PIECES TO BUY.
I DON'T THINK THEY SPEND A LOT OF TIME RE-ENACTING THE MOMENTS, IN FOND RECOLLECTION, LEADING UP TO THE DISCOVERY OF THE TITANIC. THEY KNOW ALL ABOUT THE STORIES, ABOUT LOST SHIPS, HERITAGE ITEMS BELONGING TO FAMOUS SHIP WRECKS, AND THEY PROBABLY, IF YOU WERE TO SHARE AN INTIMATE MOMENT, WOULD ADMIT TO HAVING A LUSTFUL INTEREST IN PIRATE TREASURE, WHEN THEY WERE TINY TOTS. I THINK IT ALL FACTORS IN TO THE ANTIQUE HUNTER PSYCHE, ABOUT THE STRANGE FICTIONS AND NON-FICTIONS OF ALL THOSE TREASURES LOST AND TREASURES FOUND. THERE'S SOMETHING THAT SETS US OFF, THAT'S FOR SURE, AND IT PROBABLY HAPPENS EARLY IN LIFE. I'VE READ MANY BIOGRAPHIES, OF ACCLAIMED ANTIQUE DEALERS AND COLLECTORS, WHO WERE WELL INTO THEIR SOON-TO-BE PROFESSIONS, BY THEIR EARLY TEENS. EVEN EARLIER FOR A FEW NOTABLES. SOME APPRENTICING WITH FAMILY MEMBERS, WHO HAD ANTIQUE SHOPS. I BEGAN COLLECTING, AS I'VE WRITTEN ABOUT MANY TIMES BEFORE, AT ABOUT EIGHT YEARS OF AGE. THAT'S WHEN I STARTED HAULING INTERESTING ROADSIDE FINDS HOME, COMING FROM LAKESHORE PUBLIC SCHOOL, IN BURLINGTON. OR, MY FAVORITE, WAS BRINGING HOME BROKEN HOCKEY STICKS, THAT SENIOR PLAYERS DUMPED OVER THE BOARDS, IN GAMES PLAYED AT THE BURLINGTON ARENA. I BROUGHT HOME EVERYTHING FROM CHESTNUTS, STILL IN THE HUSKS, TO ONES THAT SOMEONE HAD STRUNG ON OLD SHOE-LACES, TO THROW, AND ANYTHING ELSE THAT HAPPENED TO CATCH MY EYE…..AND MY COLLECTING FANCY. MY MOTHER CALLED ME A "HOARDER" BEFORE I WAS TWELVE. IN FACT, SHE NEVER STOPPED CALLING ME A HOARDER, BUT GAVE UP TRYING TO REFORM ME, AFTER SUZANNE AND I GOT MARRIED. SHE SAID TO HER, RIGHT AFTER OUR MARRIAGE RECEPTION, "SUZANNE, BEST OF LUCK WITH TED." AND YES, SHE DID HAVE A PUZZLED LOOK ON HER FACE, WONDERING IF THERE WAS SOMETHING I HADN'T CONFESSED, BEFORE OUR WEDDING VOWS. MAYBE I RAISED PET PYTHONS, OR HAD A RACE HORSE IN THE BACK SHED. HONESTLY, BY TIME WE GOT HITCHED, SHE KNEW WHAT "HOARDING" AND ANTIQUE DEALER MEANT, TO THE EXPONENT OF TEN. SHE MIGHT NOT HAVE KNOWN THE FULL EXTENT, BUT AT LEAST SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT MY SNAKE COLLECTION, OR THE HAY BILL, FOR THE RACE HORCE I MIGHT HAVE OWNED.
MY BRIDE DID WARN ME, FREQUENTLY, THAT OUR TINY APARTMENT, IN AN OLD HOUSE, WOULD EXPLODE IF I BROUGHT IN "JUST ONE MORE BOOK." I DID. SHE GOT MAD. BUT THE PLACE DIDN'T BLOW UP EITHER. I DID, EVENTUALLY, BECOME MORE SENSITIVE TO HER IDEAS ABOUT HOME DECORATING. IT WAS WORKING GREAT UNTIL I START SELLING OFF THE BEST PIECES, AND WHEN SHE COMPLAINED, I SAID "DEAR….WELCOME TO THE LIFE OF THE ANTIQUE DEALER FAMILY. HERE TODAY, GONE TOMORROW." WE'RE STILL DOING THE SAME THING ALL THESE YEARS LATER.
ANTIQUE HUNTERS PROBABLY HAVE MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES, BUT INSTEAD OF BEING A SOURCE OF DAILY EMOTIONAL CONFLICT, IT ACTUALLY PROMOTES TEAM EFFORT…..EACH PERSONALITY HAVING RESPECTIVE STRENGTHS IN SPECIFIC COLLECTING AREAS. MOST GENERALIST DEALERS, WHO ARE OPEN TO BUYING ANYTHING VINTAGE, WITH A PROFIT ATTACHED, CAN WIRE-INTO A CONDITION OF PEAKED CURIOSITY, IF THEY COME UPON SOMETHING OF AGE, QUALITY, FUNCTION, DESIGN, CONSTRUCTION OR MANUFACTURE…..EVEN IF IT ISN'T SOMETHING THEY KNOW MUCH ABOUT, OR EVEN WISH TO OWN FOR ANY LENGTH OF TIME. DEALERS AND COLLECTORS OFTEN BUY OUT OF THEIR AREA OF EXPERTISE, KNOWING THEY CAN USE THE ACQUIRED PIECE…..WHICH BECAME AVAILABLE BY CIRCUMSTANCE, TO TRADE WITH THEIR COLLEAGUES. THIS MUST BE UNDERSTOOD, BECAUSE A LOT OF BEHIND THE SCENES ACTIVITY, GOES ON BETWEEN DEALERS AND COLLECTORS, OUT OF THE PUBLIC OR SHOP DOMAIN. I KNEW A "COKE" COLLECTOR WHO WOULD TRADE ME ANYTHING VINTAGE, THAT I WAS INTERESTED IN, FOR THOSE COKE ITEMS I FOUND OUT ON MY TRAVELS. WE EXCHANGED THESE COLLECTIBLE FOR YEARS, UNTIL ONE DAY, I HEARD THAT HE HAD SUCCUMBED TO A MYSTERIOUS ILLNESS. HE WAS A NEAT GUY TO DEAL WITH, AND HE SURE LOVED HIS INVOLVEMENT WITH COKE NOSTALGIA.
AS FOR TREASURE OUT THERE, FOLKS, I NEVER LEAVE THIS HAVEN OF BIRCH HOLLOW, WITHOUT THE CLEAR AND PROVEN OPINION, THAT I JUST MIGHT RETURN HOME LATER IN THE DAY, WITH AN ORIGINAL TOM THOMSON SKETCH, OR A DAVID MILNE WATERCOLOR. I'D TAKE ANY GROUP OF SEVEN ART PANEL…..AND FACE IT, SO WOULD YOU. THE PROBLEM, OF COURSE, IS THAT THESE MATERIALS ARE IN SHORT SUPPLY, AND DON'T TURN UP WITH THE FREQUENCY OF SEALER JARS AND PAINT BY NUMBER CARDBOARD. BUT, THEY DO TURN UP. YOU READ ABOUT THESE CASES ONCE OR TWICE EACH YEAR. I'VE TALKED WITH MANY ANTIQUE SHOPPERS, ESPECIALLY IN OUR STORE, AND HAVE HEARD SOME OF THE MOST RIDICULOUS STORIES, ABOUT ALL THE GOOD STUFF BEING SNAPPED UP….AND THAT THERE IS NO CHANCE OF MAKING MAJOR DISCOVERIES IN THE ENTIRE PROVINCE. I WILL CORRECT THEM, IF THEY MAKE THIS TOPIC OF DISCUSSION, A SIMPLE QUESTION. OTHERWISE, SO AS NOT TO OFFEND CUSTOMERS, I WILL JUST LET THEM SATISFY THEIR NEED TO BE HEARD. THE TRUTH IS, THE ONLY ONE WITH A TRUE VESTED INTEREST IN SAYING SUCH THINGS, IS THE ANTIQUE DEALER……SO THAT COMPETITION FOR THESE POP-UP PIECES WILL DIMINISH. IF YOU TRULY BELIEVE ALL THE BEST FINDS HAVE BEEN MADE, AND THERE'S NOTHING ELSE GOOD TO FIND, THEN POSSIBLY YOU'LL STOP BUYING PIECES AT THRIFT AND SECOND HAND SHOPS……AHEAD OF US WHO KNOW THE TRUTH…..AND THAT…..CROSS OUR HEARTS AND HOPE TO DIE, THERE ARE MILLIONS OF GREAT FINDS OUT THERE, IF YOU HAVE THE PATIENCE TO STICK-IT-OUT ON THE HUNT.
THE IDEA THAT THERE IS TREASURE OUT THERE, IS WHAT KEEPS THE JUICES FLOWING
I don't make thousand dollar finds, each time I head out on an antique hunt and gather mission. I need "smalls" and interesting pieces of vintage furniture, for our family's shop, here in Gravenhurst, so I can be tempted just like any other retailer on earth, looking for something to buy and sell for an eventual "wee" profit. I don't ever leave on an antique hunt, believing that I won't find a decent or "money" piece, for my many miles travelled. I don't impose positivism like a breath refresher. I am so positive on a daily basis, about what's out there on the hustings, that I never have a doubt in my mind that "this could be the best day of my life (in antiques of course)." I couldn't have a defeatist attitude even if I wanted to be downtrodden….because nothing I've ever done in the field of antiques, has ever set me off my mindset, that one blessed day, I'm going to haul home a multi-thousand dollar painting, or piece of exotic furniture…..maybe even a beautifully appointed Faberge Egg. When I say, "you never know," I mean it. Those who are of the opinion there are no Rembrandt's left to be donated to thrift shops, or sold off at yard sales, would be validated I suppose, when I suggest they're probably correct. There's a pretty good idea how many paintings the Dutch artist painted over a lifetime, so there may only be a few left unaccounted for…..although I doubt this is the case. The treasure folks like me look for, are generally obscure pieces, that have become "sleepers," waiting to be uncovered from the dusty inventory, and happily purchased. "Sleepers," are most often under-recognized, "not researched properly", and under-valued antiques and collectibles, in shops and antique malls etc., that experts will be able to spot as "the deal of the day," saying things like, "Holy Mackerel, this sucker is coming home!" Those who know me at area thrift shops, and charity enterprises, and some antique shops, worry about Suzanne and I using our knowledge to beat them at the pricing game. I actually had a store manager, change price stickers on furniture pieces, at the front of the shop, if and when I would stop and examine the new arrivals. Suzanne didn't believe me, when I told her what was happening. So we set a trap. I love doing this. We walked in, said hello to staff, and went right offer to a couple of nice old chairs and a pine chest of drawers, we had a minor interest in……but not at that precise moment. She wrote down the prices, and after some additional study (because we knew staff was watching), we moved down to the back of the store. When we got about thirty feet along toward the back of the building, I looked behind, as did Suzanne at the same time, and there they were……removing the price tags on the furniture, and replacing them with new ones, each with a higher price than what they had initially been marked.
After we had looked around for awhile, I decided to confront the manager about the price swapping. I was pissed-off. I know for certain, they'd be awfully mad, if I switched the tags, putting a lesser one (removed from another item) on instead…..so how would they feel, getting caught in the act of "reaction counter-pricing." So I took the chap aside, and asked why he habitually re-priced articles after we looked at them. He hadn't thought we noticed what they were up to, and spilled the beans on their strategy. They knew if the new arrivals caught our eye, and made us stop and examine them more carefully, the ultimate judgement on pricing, would come when we gave some sort of affirmation……a look, a visible whisper between Suzanne and I, or anything else that might indicate "we're coming back for this stuff." I asked him bluntly, whether he was highly skilled in reading body language and facial expressions. No he wasn't. Neither was anyone on staff. So I asked again, just what affirmation they were getting, to inspire price increases, just because two antique dealers, happened to stop for a wee gander. He didn't have an answer, and the staff kind of disappeared from behind him. I suggested in no uncertain terms, that this was a crappy way of doing business, as it would be infinitely better, to ask for assistance on evaluation from us, than to betray customers…….all customers, by adjusting price stickers according to our professions, or the car we arrived in. If I hadn't got an apology at that moment, I would certainly have left to never return again. I got a reasonable explanation, and suggested about a hundred things that were wrong with his and his staff's attitude. I explained very clearly, that this was discrimination against antique dealers and collectors, based on the fact we're more educated in our profession, than they are at selling vintage wares. I suggested this has been occurring since Biblical times, and is common throughout the world. We can't all be antique dealers. I want to remind readers, that I have never turned down a request for an appraisal from a charity shop, and on these occasions, I refrain from buying the article I've priced…..to avoid any perception of price fixing, or conflict of interest. If the item doesn't sell, I remind them, they are welcome to offer it to me…..but I won't make it an imposition.
I have only ever denied one charity shop appraisals, and it came after a year's services free of charge. No matter how much good I thought I was doing, helping them out, I just couldn't agree with management's burden of policies, and strange protocols…..that made the pursuit of money the end-all. Even in my retail shop, I enjoy the social / cultural part of the business……even if the profits are lower than I might like on a regular basis. I have told a lot of shop managers, that they should at least be aware, when their pricing to the ceiling, that much of their prosperity, hinges on the visits and resulting purchases by both antique retailers and collectors. They develop odd attitudes about professionals, and think that they can push up prices……to what they found out during an online search of values, and still have the dealers and collectors purchasing as they did before. This has backfired on these shops so many times, you really would expect they'd learn their lessons. Our profession, as a retail cavalry, spends a lot of folding money, at these second hand, charity and thrift shops each year. How do they treat us. Goose the prices. The other day, I went to a charity shop I like, and couldn't believe, that management had seen fit to triple, in some cases, the prices of their used books. As a book buyer and seller, I know my values. I get so frustrated trying to help these folks, set reasonable retail prices, that now, I just decide to let them wallow in ignorance…..if this is their logical approach to good business practice. It usually dawns on them, when there are no empty spots on the book shelves after a month…..and boxes and boxes of books clogging up the store room. I had a clerk, recently, tell me to wait around, because some newly priced collectible books were coming out. So I did. And they arrived just as she had advised. Each and every one of the books, was over-priced by at least fifty to a hundred percent. Not just for me. For you. I know the value, because I've been selling books since the late 1970's. She couldn't believe I wasn't foaming at the mouth to buy these damaged, poor quality, old musty books. I might have bought a few, but what was worth two dollars to me, was priced two dollars higher. While we dealer-kind, don't expect preferential treatment, we do expect that if you, as a retailer, are going to target us, with wares, that sensibility will enter the equation. If you scare off the people who are dumping thousands of dollars into your business annually, because of greed, then expect certain failure. Come up with explanations for the financial manager of the operation, how the antique dealers let you down this particular fiscal quarter. In other words, explain the boycott of ridiculous over-pricing. Better still, suggest a new strategy, to re-price what has been over-valued, in the next quarter, for the benefit of every customer looking for fair second-hand prices.
We went to a yard sale, one Saturday, last summer, and a lady who was participating in the event, had some interesting suitcases, my son Andrew was interested in…..for carrying some of his sound equipment for his music supply business. He can get them for a couple of bucks most of the time, and because they serve a utility purpose, he can't really afford to pay too much for each case. The lady hadn't priced a single item, in her section, and when Andrew asked the price of the two suitcases, she basically had a conniption. She knew he had a main street shop, and all she could think about, was being ripped-off by a shady antique buyer. She suggested about ten dollars each, and Andrew politely declined, and walked away. I then heard her ask a friend, why she hadn't sold anything that morning, when everyone else had. If she had been sensible, she would have cut the price in half, and Andrew would have taken the musty containers off her hands. That's what they were. Musty suitcases. Good for electronics. Terrible for fabric or clothing.
Those operating shops, dealing with second hand merchandise, are far more worried about selling the holy grail, under-valued, than looking at the big picture, and recognizing that for every game, there is a winner. The antique hunt, for many of us, isn't as much "plain old retail"……as it is an ongoing game, of personal choice, to do better than anyone else. It is an individual recreation, that allows the best of the best to excel. I'm not going to be handicapped because I know more than the vendors in question. And just so you know, I have, on many occasions, (and Suzanne can verify this claim), put extra money in the donation jar, on their counter, or simply given more than a piece is worth, if I find a piece that is worth a substantial amount more than the asking price. I tell them what I'm doing, so there's no confusion. I can tell you for sure, I have never once in my retail life, had a customer offer me more than the asking price, because I valued it too low. And I've lived to find out, just how many hundreds of dollars I lost, when the same item was flipped, sometimes in the same day, to another buyer. You learn, very early in the antique profession, to live and let live. Price based on market values in the region you operate (or send it elsewhere, or sell online). Accept that you can't win all the time. If we didn't have the win / loss scenario in life, it would be pretty boring out there.
Thanks for visiting today's blog. I began writing antique related blogs a year ago, as a half-serious biography, for my sons…..who know that I'm a writer and a dealer, but don't make a habit of reading my columns. I wanted them to have a record of their old dad's life and times in the antique trade, and a few secrets of the buy and sell of old things…..they might not currently know about. I had a lot of interruptions last year, so I only wrote about thirty blogs, but honestly, I could write a thousand and still have material on the back-burner. It's a fascinating industry, and because it's an ongoing treasure hunt, I couldn't possibly get bored with the enterprise and industry, of hustling through the province, looking to "win," at my chosen profession. But the stories about the antique hunt, and selling wares since the late 1970's, is much more than just trade journal jottings……crusty with cobwebs and years of dust upon dust. If Toronto Sun columnist, Paul Rimstead, had been an antique dealer as well as a writer, these are the kind of stories he would have composed for his faithful readership. My stories are full of wild and whacky stuff, because honestly, so is the business of hunting and gathering someone else's relics……for a living. Interesting situations? I've got a million of them. Including some paranormal stories you might find interesting. I don't know what God has planned for me, but I'm getting a little nervous, that I haven't been diligent enough, writing up these biographical and self-help notes…..if not for use by my sons, maybe for the grandsons and daughters yet to come. Possibly they'll think their grandfather and mother were iconic nuts, doing all this chasing around the countryside, looking for old things. On the other hand, maybe they will be of a mind, and time in history, when having family connections to real hunter-gatherers, might make for an interesting school project…..if they still have schools then. So there's lots more to tell, about antiquing and collecting, in this beautiful province and region of ours. Please join me for an adventure…..as we have known it, for all these years. Maybe by the end, you'll become a collector of acclaim yourself…….but remember, there's no turning back, once you've been bitten. It's a forever thing……like my marriage to my dear and compassionate wife. Farewell for now!
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