My favorite first edition; Paul Rimstead's Cocktails and Jockstraps

MY FAVORITE SIGNED FIRST EDITION - YOU WILL BE SURPRISED

"HAVE ONE FOR ME!" WROTE THE NEWLY SOBER AUTHOR

     A COLLEAGUE IN THE ANTIQUE BUSINESS, SPECIFICALLY BOOKS, WHO KNOWS MY INTEREST IN SIGNED AND INSCRIBED FIRST EDITIONS, ASKED ME WHAT A HUNDRED OTHERS HAVE ENQUIRED SINCE I BEGAN BUYING AND SELLING OLD BOOKS. I SURPRISE THE HECK OUT OF THEM, BECAUSE THEY'RE EXPECTING A MORE FAMILIAR NAME, A FAMOUS BOOK, AND A TEXT THAT MAY HAVE EVEN BEEN MADE INTO A MOVIE AT SOME POINT. WASHINGTON IRVING? CHARLES DICKENS? TRUMAN CAPOTE? STEPHEN KING?  WELL, TRY PAUL RIMSTEAD. THE BOOK? THAT WOULD BE THE 1980 SOFTCOVER FIRST EDITION OF "COCKTAILS AND JOCKSTRAPS." I HAVE AN INSCRIBED AND SIGNED COPY, AND IT'S CLASSIC RIMSTEAD. HAVING BEEN TOLD THAT HE WOULD DIE IF HE DIDN'T STOP DRINKING, HE RELUCTANTLY AGREED, BUT WAS STILL LICKING HIS LIPS TO GET BACK INTO THE GAME. SO HE INSCRIBED MY COPY "HAVE ONE FOR ME." ACTUALLY, HE USED TO DO COMMERCIAL WORK FOR OKEEFE ALE, AND HIS PITCH, WITH A RAISED BROWN BOTTLE, WAS "HERE'S TO YOU."

     PAUL RIMSTEAD WAS A NEWSPAPER MAN FOR A GOOD CHUNK OF HIS SHORT LIFE. HE WAS BEST KNOWN FOR HIS PAGE THREE COLUMN IN THE NEWLY LAUNCHED TORONTO SUN, BACK IN NOVEMBER OF 1971. HE WAS ON THE SAME PAGE AS THE SUNSHINE GIRL FLICK, AND HE WENT ON TO BE A STAR COLUMNIST FOR THE EDMONTON AND CALGARY SUN NEWSPAPERS AS WELL. THE REASON I GOT HOOKED ON RIMSTEAD, OR "RIMMER" AS HE WAS BEST KNOWN, WAS THAT AS A FLEDGLING REPORTER MYSELF, HE WROTE ABOUT HIS FOIBLES, DISASTERS, SHORTCOMINGS, INTIMATE MOMENTS, HILARIOUS OCCASIONS, AND EVENTS THAT NEARLY GOT HIM FIRED. HE DIDN'T WRITE US OUT OF THE LOOP, AS SOME COLUMNISTS DID, BUT INVITED US TO THE SMOKY, BAR-SCENTED INSIDE. HE WROTE ABOUT EVERYDAY ADVENTURES, AND THE FOLLIES OF GAMBLING, OWNING A NON-WINNING RACE HORSE, AND BEING FRANK ABOUT LIVING TOO HARD, AND DRINKING TOO MUCH. BUT MY FASCINATION, MORESO, WAS THE FACT HE WAS AN EXCEPTIONALLY BRILLIANT WRITER, AND DESPITE THE WILD AND WHACKY STUFF HE OFTEN WROTE ABOUT, TO GET A MEATY RESPONSE, HE DID WHAT A GREAT MANY AUTHORS ATTEMPT BUT ONLY EVER PARTIALLY SUCCEED. AS HE WROTE ABOUT EVERYDAY ISSUES AND PROBLEMS, INCLUDING WITH HIS CAR HE HAD NAMED "RUSTY RITA," A MAJORITY OF HIS LARGE FAITHFUL FOLLOWING HAD AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER, EXPERIENCED MUCH OF WHAT HE WAS ENDURING AT THAT MOMENT; OR IN SOME CASES, TOTALLY SUCCUMBED. HE WAS MORTAL. HE WORE HIS EXCESSES OPENLY, AS A CLEAR DEMONSTRATION, THAT HIS SELF CONTROL WAS NOT ALWAYS WHAT IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN…….AND OF THESE OCCASIONS, HE HAD REGRETS. AND HE TOLD US ABOUT THEM. HE INVITED US TO SEE UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL, ALL HIS MOMENTS OF FRUSTRATION, JOY, RESOLVE, SUCCESS, AND FAILURE, LIKE NO WRITER I HAVE EVER KNOWN…..UP TO AND INCLUDING THE PRESENT. HOW MANY WRITERS DO YOU KNOW, WHO ARE NOT DOCTORS, WOULD WRITE ABOUT THEIR RECTAL PROBLEMS, AND WHAT THE FIRST FULL MOVEMENT FELT LIKE……AFTER THE REPAIR JOB.

     "LAHAINA, MAUI, MARCH 3, 1980 - IT IS RATHER EMBARRASSING, LYING HERE IN THE HOT HAWAIIAN SUN, KNOWING I AM THE ONLY GUY ON THE BEACH WEARING A STAYFREE MAXI-PAD UNDER HIS BATHING SUIT. I SHOULD HASTEN TO EXPLAIN, I SUPPOSE, THAT IT IS FOR PURELY MEDICAL REASONS. YOU MIGHT WONDER, WHEN I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU, WHY I AM BEING SO PERSONAL. WELL SIR, WE WOULD NOT BE TOGETHER AT ALL IF IT WERE NOT FOR THE REASONS BEHIND THAT SANITARY NAPKIN. I AM HERE IN HAWAII RECUPERATING FOR THREE WEEKS AFTER A QUAINT BIT OF SURGERY CALLED A HEMORRHOIDECTOMY. IT IS THE TYPE OF OPERATION NOBODY REALLY NOTICES AND NOT ONCE HAS ANYBODY ASKED TO SEE MY SCAR. ACTUALLY, MY CONDITION DOES NOT REALLY BOTHER ME OTHER THAN FOR THE FACT THAT I HAVE TO CARRY AROUND AN INFLATED, RUBBER DOUGHNUT CUSHION TO SIT ON. AND MY ONLY REAL EMBARRASSMENT CAME THE OTHER DAY WHEN, AS I WAS LEAVING THE SWIMMING POOL AREA, A GUY TAPPED ME ON THE ARM AND SAID, 'I BELIEVE YOU HAVE DROPPED SOMETHING.' I LOOKED AND THERE, TO MY HORROR, WAS MY STAY-FREE MAXI PAD SITTING ON THE GREEN CARPET. IT HAD FALLEN OUT OF MY BATHING SUIT. I THANKED HIM QUIETLY, DEFTLY SCOOPED IT UP AND, YES, EYES FIXED TO THE GROUND, MADE MY WAY BACK TO MY ROOM."

     PAUL RIMSTEAD SPENT SOME YEARS OF HIS CHILDHOOD, ON A SMALL FARM ON THE BEATRICE TOWN LINE, NORTH OF BRACEBRIDGE, WHERE WITH HIS SISTER DIANE, THEY LAUNCHED THE "BEATRICE BUGLE," A SMALL PUBLICATION FOR THE COMMUNITY OF ABOUT 37 SOULS. HE WENT ON TO WRITE FOR MANY PUBLICATIONS IN ONTARIO, FIRST AS A STRINGER (FREELANCE REPORTER) FOR THE ORILLIA PACKET AND TIMES. HE USED TO CHASE FIRE TRUCKS IN BRACEBRIDGE, ON HIS BIKE, WITH A "PRESS" PLATE HANGING OFF THE HANDLEBARS. THE FIRE FIGHTERS DIDN'T WANT HIM TO GET IN THEIR WAY, SO THEY'D LEAVE A BOGUS ADDRESS ON THE FIREHALL CHALK BOARD, LEADING HIM SOMEWHERE ELSE IN THE COMMUNITY OTHER THAN THE ACTUAL FIRE LOCATION. HE USED TO PLAY POOL DOWN AT JOE'S BILLIARDS, ON MANITOBA STREET, WITH FORMER DETROIT RED WING GOALTENDER, ROGER CROZIER, WHEN THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BE AT SCHOOL. ROGER WAS ALSO A BRACEBRIDGE KID. THE STORY IS THAT RIMSTEAD WAS THE BETTER POOL PLAYER. IN THE BOOK, HE DID A FANTASTIC FEATURE STORY ON THE LEGENDARY MINNESOTA FATS.

     WHAT I FIND MOST ENDEARING ABOUT PAUL RIMSTEAD'S  AUTHORDOM, WAS HIS ABILITY TO APPEAL TO ANY READER, FROM ANY CULTURAL BACKGROUND, MALE OR FEMALE, BECAUSE HE WROTE OUT OF GENUINE CURIOSITY ABOUT THOSE WHO HAD ONCE BEEN LEGENDS, BUT ALWAYS WITH GREAT SENSITIVITY. NOT JUST TO THE SUBJECT OF THE INTERVIEW, BUT TO THE CIRCUMSTANCE, WHICH OFTEN TIMES HAD A TRAGIC ELEMENT ATTACHED. EVEN BY TELLING THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH, ABOUT THE CIRCUMSTANCES OF THEIR PERSONAL AND PROFESSIONAL DOWNFALL, OR SICKNESS, HE WAS DOING THEM AN INCREDIBLE SERVICE……AS HE WOULD NEVER WRITE IN-DEPTH STORIES ABOUT SOMEONE'S MISFORTUNES, THAT HE WOULDN'T SIMILARLY REVEAL ABOUT HIMSELF UNDER THE SAME CIRCUMSTANCES. IF HE WROTE THAT A FORMER CHAMPION BOXER DRANK TOO MUCH, AND PARTIED TOO HARD, AND CRASHED VEHICLES WITH GREAT FREQUENCY, IT WAS ABSOLUTELY TRUE. RIMSTEAD DIDN'T HAVE TO EMBELLISH TO GET AN AUDIENCE. HE JUST HAD TO DEPICT HIS SUBJECT PROPERLY, BUT HONESTLY, AND LIKE A HIGHLY SKILLED PORTRAIT ARTIST, HE WASN'T ABOUT TO COVER UP AN INJURY OR BLEMISH BECAUSE IT MIGHT AFFECT WHAT SOME WANTED TO BE A PERFECT PICTURE.

     THE FACT THAT HE PAID ATTENTION TO LIFE'S IMPEDIMENTS AND FRAILTIES, MADE HIS BIOGRAPHICAL PORTRAITS SO MUCH MORE INTIMATE AND BELIEVABLE…..AND MANY OF US COULD RELATE BECAUSE WE HAD KNOWN FOLKS WITH THE SAME BASIC CHARACTER FLAWS. SOMETIMES, ALL WE HAD TO DO WAS LOOK IN A MIRROR, AND WE SAW OURSELVES, AFTER FOR EXAMPLE, A NIGHT OF HEAVY DRINKING. I DON'T THINK MANY WRITING COURSES AT COLLEGE OR UNIVERSITY, ANALYZED THE WRITING WORK OF PAUL RIMSTEAD. THEY SHOULD HAVE. THEY HAD A WRITER IN THEIR MIDST, WHO WAS HUGELY COURAGEOUS, AND NEVER FLINCHED FROM A STORY THAT HE KNEW WOULD PISS SOMEONE ELSE OFF……EVEN THE MANAGEMENT STAFF OF THE PAPER WHERE HE WORKED. I CAN REMEMBER THE FIGHT HE HAD WITH THE PUBLISHER, WHO MOVED HIS COLUMN UNCEREMONIOUSLY FROM PAGE THREE, TO THE BACK OF THE PAPER, AS SOME SORT OF PUNISHMENT FOR HIS INSUBORDINATION, IN SOME REGARD WHICH I HAVE SINCE FORGOTTEN. HE CARRIED ON A PUBLIC RELATIONS WAR, BRINGING THE READERS INTO THE FOLD, AND IT WAS HILARIOUS, HOW THE WRITTEN PUNCH-UP PLAYED ITSELF OUT…….RIMMER NOT BACKING DOWN, AND MAKING FUN OF THE PUBLISHER'S BID TO TEACH HIM A LESSON. "WELL SIR," AS RIMSTEAD WOULD HAVE SAID, HE WAS SOON BACK ON PAGE THREE WITH THE SUNSHINE GIRL, AND THE READERS WERE DELIGHTED. IT WAS A VICTORY FOR THE LITTLE GUY, AGAINST THE MANAGEMENT BULLIES. THE READERSHIP FELT, FOR THAT PERIOD OF TIME, THAT THEY COULD INFLUENCE THE DIRECTION OF THE PAPER……EITHER BY REFUSING TO BUY IT ANYMORE, OR SENDING IN NOTES, OR MAKING PHONE CALLS, SEEKING A REVERSAL OF THE BANISHMENT DECISION. DID RIMMER GLOAT? ONLY IN THE MOST POLITE AND IRREVERENT WAY POSSIBLE. CLASSIC RIMSTEAD. IT'S WHY WE COULDN'T WAIT TO PICK UP A COPY WHEN IT HIT THE NEWSSTANDS. HE WAS THE VOICE OF JOHN Q. CITIZEN. HE KNEW OUR PAIN, FROM HAVING LIVED WITH HIS OWN. FAMILY STUFF. WORK WOES. MONEY PROBLEMS. SOCIAL MISADVENTURES. TOO MUCH BOOZE. TOO LITTLE TIME. A RACEHORSE THAT WAS COSTING HIM A FORTUNE, AND A SOCIAL EXISTENCE, BY HIS OWN ADMISSION, HE COULD BARELY KEEP UP WITH. EVERYONE IN THOSE HALCYON DAYS WANTED A PIECE OF PAUL RIMSTEAD. HE GAVE THEIR LIVES CREDIBILITY…..MADE THEM FEEL MODESTLY IMPORTANT FOR THE MOST COMMON ATTRIBUTES OF DAY TO DAY WORK, AND A LITTLE PLAY AT THE END OF THE DAY. HE BECAME THE PEOPLE'S CHOICE. IT'S NO STRETCH TO SAY HIS LOYAL READERSHIP LOVED THE GUY.

     WHEN HE SIGNED MY COPY OF "COCKTAILS AND JOCKSTRAPS," HE HAD ARRIVED IN BRACEBRIDGE, HIS FORMER HOMETOWN, FOR A CHARITY HOCKEY GAME WE WERE HAVING WITH THE CKVR NO STARS AT THE BRACEBRIDGE ARENA. HE WAS COAXED TO BE A PART OF THE EVENT, BY OUR STAFF WRITER AT THE HERALD-GAZETTE, BRANT SCOTT. OUR TEAM WAS KNOWN, IN THOSE DAYS, AS THE HERALD-GAZETTE RINK RATS, AND WAS MADE UP OF ARTISTS, WRITERS, THE ONTARIO PROVINCIAL POLICE, CARPENTERS, PLUMBERS, PRINT TECHNICIANS, AND SUNDRY OTHERS, WHO LIKED TO PLAY LATE-NIGHT HOCKEY AND HOIST A FEW COLD PINTS AFTERWARDS. RIMSTEAD WAS GOING TO BE CALLING THE PLAY BY PLAY OF THE GAME FROM THE GONDOLA AT CENTRE ICE. THERE WERE OVER 1,700 FANS IN THAT ARENA, MANY OF THEM HAVING SHOWN UP TO SEE A SMALL TOWN KID WHO MADE IT BIG. WHILE I DON'T SUSPECT HE REALLY KNEW THIS AT THE TIME, IT WAS A CLEAR DEMONSTRATION OF HOMETOWN RESPECT FOR HIM AS ONE OF CANADA'S BEST KNOWN NEWSPAPER COLUMNISTS. HE WAS IN ATTENDANCE WITH HIS PARTNER MISS HINKY, WHO HE USED TO FREQUENTLY WRITE ABOUT. I GAVE PAUL MY NUMBER NINE SWEATER TO TRY ON, AND HE GOT STUCK, AND TWO OF US HAD TO PULL IT OFF OF HIM BEFORE THE GAME. WE HAD JUST WANTED A PICTURE OF HIM WEARING THE TEAM SWEATER BUT WE HAD TO SETTLE FOR ONE OF HIM HOLDING IT LIKE A BANNER. WHEN PAUL MADE HIS FIRST ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE GONDOLA, THE CROWD WENT NUTS. IT WAS CLEAR. THEY CAME TO ENDURE A GAME OF "FOR FUN" HOCKEY, BETWEEN THE PRINT AND ELECTRONIC MEDIA, BUT MOSTLY, JUST TO CATCH A FEW MOMENTS WITH THE RIMMER.

     I WANT TO RE-PRINT A FEW CHOICE LINES WRITTEN BY PAUL RIMSTEAD, THAT TO ME, SHOW JUST HOW INTIMATE AND INSIGHTFUL HE COULD BE, WITH HIS OWN LIFE…….BRUSHING UPON OUR OWN NEED TO KNOW ABOUT HIS WELL BEING, AND OF HIS FAMILY……..AS WE KNEW THEM WELL, BY WHAT HE HAD WRITTEN IN THE PAST. IT WAS A BIT OF THE RIMSTEAD MAGIC. BUT HE WOULD LAUGH ABOUT THE "MAGIC" REFERENCE. HE WAS JUST AN ORDINARY BLOKE WHO SAW THE SOULS OF THOSE HE WROTE ABOUT. THIS SEPARATED HIM FROM A LOT OF WRITERS WHO AT BEST, BRUSHED OVER THE SURFACE, WITH NARY AN INTEREST IN THE UNTOLD EMOTIONAL AGONY ….. THAT WAS THE PIVOT OF THE STORY……THE ESSENCE OF THE BIOGRAPHY, DESPITE WHAT ELSE HAD BEEN GARNERED ABOUT CAREER. HE LOCKED IN TO THE INTIMATE DETAILS, WITH COMPASSION, AND IT MADE HIS BIOGRAPHIES BELIEVABLE AND ENDURING. SOME OF HIS FINEST BIOGRAPHICAL COLUMNS, INCLUDED THE PROFILES OF CANADIAN BOXING LEGEND, YVON DURELLE, (WHO ONCE FLOORED HEAVYWEIGHT FIGHTER ARCHIE MOORE); PHIL MARCHILDON, A CANADIAN PITCHER WHO STARRED WITH THE PHILADELPHIA ATHLETICS OF THE AMERICAN BASEBALL LEAGUE; RODEO LEGEND, MARTY WOOD; CANADIAN WEIGHT LIFTING CHAMPION, DOUG HEPBURN; HOCKEY STAR BRUCE DRAPER; ACE HORSESHOE THROWER, ELMER HOHL, AND MINNESOTA FATS, THE MOST FAMOUS POOL ROOM CHARACTER EVER.

A SAMPLING OF THE RIMSTEAD ALLURE

     "Imagine, here I am, on the last chapter. Maybe, if I had stopped drinking ten years ago, I might have written that book in Mexico. Or the one at Stony Lake. People keep looking at me in amazement. They have never before seen me so steady on my feet at midnight, a cup of coffee in my hand. Even Rusty Rita, my old Pontiac, is confused. She had more freedom in the old days as she found her own way home. Now I do the steering. There are also skeptics who are just waiting for me to go back to the booze," wrote Rimstead. "I don't deserve to feel as well as I do. I feel so good, in fact, that if the doctors told me I could start drinking again tomorrow, I would have to give it serious second thoughts. Now, though, I know what the late Oscar Levant meant when he said 'I only drink to make other people interesting.' Heck, my old pals aren't nearly as funny as they used to be."

     "I still frequent the same bars, hang around with the same crowd, and enjoy myself almost as much……until about 11 o'clock at night. I find myself wishing the guys wouldn't order another round of doubles because I feel I'm losing their company. After one more drink they'll start laughing at little things I don't find funny and start to repeat themselves. That's the only part I miss. I miss being half in the tank the way they are. I used to shift gears myself at that stage of the evening. Now I feel uncomfortable, bored, and wish I was at home reading or watching a late movie," the columnist penned of his sobriety. "What has happened is, I have become very dull. I don't wear lampshades at parties anymore. I don't even start arguments the way I used to late at nights. I have become very predictable. I even sleep well, a solid six to easy eight hours without waking once. Hell, I used to get up at least twice each night to go to the bathroom or get myself a cold drink. And now I sleep in bed. In the good old days, I could sleep anywhere. I'd often catch a nap at the Sai Woo Restaurant when the bars were closed. Garfield, one of the Chinese owners, would let me sleep until he was ready to close or I would wake up when my face fell into my fried rice."

     Rimmer adds, "When I finally got home in the middle of the night, I would catch another couple of hours while sitting on the toilet. I will never forget the night that I awakened in a panic. There had been these terrible pounding noises and it seemed as if I had flown through the air and bounced off something. I had fallen asleep on the toilet, tipped over and, fallen into the bathtub. I miss those good times. And I miss stumbling to the refrigerator in the morning, groping for something wet and cold - orange pop, chocolate milk, tomato juice, fruit juices or even a flat beer. They have not tasted nearly as good since I went on the wagon. I started experimenting with substitutes for my scotch and Cointreau while I was in Hawaii, right after getting out of the hospital. I tried Virgin Marys - Bloody Marys without vodka. A friend says the real name should be Bloody Shames. That wasn't the answer. All I did was burp. Then, for a couple of months, I got hooked on Perrier water with fresh lime. All that did was make me go to the bathroom every ten minutes. Now I have firmly established myself as a coffee freak. This happens to most drunks when they quit. But they drink it for the caffeine. I have one friend, a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, who drinks about twenty cups at a sitting. Fortunately, I drink decaffeinated coffee and it doesn't bother me. My pal gets irritable and edgy. I know how he feels. If I got to a bar to hear some jazz and they don't have Sanka, I get higher than a kite on coffee and lie awake all night staring at the ceiling."

     Rimmer suggests, in conclusion to his sobriety and its rigors, "I find it really embarrassing when someone comes up and tells me in a hushed and confidential voice, how proud they are of my new look and life-style. I admire people, too, who stop drinking of their own accord because booze is ruining their family lives or jobs. But, hell, it isn't very difficult to stop drinking when you consider my alternative. As somebody once said, nothing is as bad as dying. I'm still against my abstinence. Nobody ever loved booze more than me. I still use a tone of reverence in my voice when I mention scotch, Cointreau, or any of those other joys in life."

     Talking with former Toronto Maple Leaf hockey star, Doug Duff, about the problems he was having with the publisher of the soon to be released "Cocktails and Jockstraps," Rimmer wrote, "I lost the hard-cover (he had wanted) but won the title. While awaiting their decision, I agonized at home. Dick Duff, a former hockey great, was visiting. 'Duffy' I said, 'if I was still drinking, I would have told them to shove this book long ago.' "If you were still drinking,' said Duffy, 'you wouldn't have written the book'."

     You can get a copy of this presently out-of-print gem of Canadian writing, through the Advanced Book Exchange, an online book cooperative of many of the continent's finest book sellers. You might even be able to find a signed copy. I re-read chapters out of this book at least three times each year, just to refresh myself about what heartfelt and insightful, honest authorship is all about. As far as selling this title in my shop……well by golly, I can't keep them on the shelf. Still popular around here, after all these years. He was well respected…….and I hope he knew this. He died a relatively young man……with so much left to contribute to his fans.

     Yes, this is a book I hold onto for inspiration, as both a writer, and old book seller. It doesn't have a huge monetary value, on re-sale, but it always sells, and that's what important to me…..the shopkeeper.

     Thanks once again for visiting this blog-site. This was the last book in my special reserve collection, I keep high on a shelf, beside this computer. If I'm stuck, at any time, I will take ten or fifteen minutes, to read a couple of pages from Cocktails and Jockstraps, and if I don't start laughing to myself……then I might well assume I've become the newly deceased……and should act appropriately for a dead guy. I think if I was in the throes of death, I'd want my rescuer to toss me his book, so I could at least go down with a smile on my face. See you all again soon. How are you coping with all the snow? I've had to shovel off our two storage structures here at Birch Hollow, especially considering the mild temperatures and rain coming on Monday, which would double or triple the weight of the snow-load…..and I'd be looking at two collapsed shelters. Be careful driving out there, and pace yourself when it comes to shoveling. No need to clog up the out-patients department with snow removal injuries.