CHRISTMAS IN GRAVENHURST -

LEISURE SUIT CAME WITH ITS OWN LIGHTS - AND WE ARE MAKING RATHER MERRY AT THE OLD HOMESTEAD

EVEN MY INMATE CRICKET IS REJOICING TONIGHT. WHAT WAS EXPECTED TO BE A BATTLE OF WITS, AN ARTIFICIAL TREE, WITH ITS OWN LIGHTS, A DIRECTION FOLDER WE EXPECTED TO CRUMPLE IN ANGER, AND USUAL CURRIE HOUSE KARMA, AND BY GOLLY, WE HAVE THE FIRST CHRISTMAS TREE IN THREE GENERATIONS OF FAMILY HISTORY, THAT WENT TOGETHER AS IT WAS SUPPOSED TO…….AND THE ONLY TIME A CUSS WAS HEARD, WAS WHEN FATHER PUT HIS FOOT IN THE CAT'S WATER DISH.

IT HAS THOSE WHITE LIGHTS I DON'T PARTICULARLY CARE FOR…..AS I GREW UP IN THE 1950'S AND 60'S, WHEN RAINBOW COLORED BULBS MADE EVERY LIVINGROOM IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD LOOK LIKE A STRIP JOINT…..OR WHERE YOU COULD GET COLD BEER WHILE PLAYING BILLIARDS. IN THE 70'S, YOU COULD GET THE SAME COLORED LIGHTS THAT BLINKED ON AND OFF, AND IT DROVE MY DAD NUTS…..UNTIL HE FIGURED OUT HOW TO BYPASS THE BLINK…..NEARLY BURNED THE HOUSE DOWN TRYING. WE'VE ALWAYS HAD A MULTI-COLORED LIGHTING SCHEME ON OUR TREES, AND IT WILL TAKE A WHILE TO GET USED TO GENTLE WHITE. ROB HAS A COUPLE OF WOUNDS FROM THE SHARP POINTS OF THE COAT HANGER BRANCHES, BUT THAT'S ONLY A QUARTER OF THE INJURIES USUALLY RECEIVED HAULING THE BIG TIMBER TO HEARTHSIDE. GENERALLY WE'D USE UP A BOX OF BANDAIDS WITH A REAL TREE. ROB IS GOING TO GET BY WITH A COUPLE. THIS TREE IS PAYING FOR ITSELF ALREADY.

I'VE NEVER PAID $150 BUCKS FOR A TREE. I'M HOPING THIS ONE WILL PLAY CHRISTMAS CAROLS, OR ACT AS AN EXTRA ANTENNAE FOR THE TELEVISION…..OR SOMETHING THAT WILL MAKE ME FEEL IT WAS A GREAT INVESTMENT…..LIKE THE REST OF THEM ARE SAYING AROUND HERE. WHAT THEY'RE ACTUALLY SAYING IS SOMETHING LIKE, "I CAN'T BELIEVE THE CHEAP OLD BASTARD FINALLY BOUGHT US A GOOD TREE." THERE HAS BEEN A NASTY RUMOR CIRCULATING HERE, THAT I CUT CORNERS WHEN HOLIDAY DECORATING. I'VE NEVER ONCE CUT DOWN A NEIGHBORS' SPRUCE OR SCOTCH PINE BECAUSE WE WERE BROKE. IT IS TRUE I WENT TO THE THRIFT STORE ONE PARTICULARLY LEAN YEAR, AND BOUGHT THREE PART TREES TO MAKE ONE GOOD ONE. WELL, IT'S ARGUABLE WHETHER IT WAS A GOOD ONE, BUT IT WAS MOSTLY GREEN, WITH SILVER HIGHLIGHTS, AND JUST HAPPENED TO BE BIGGER ON ONE SIDE THAN THE OTHER. IT WAS THE CHRISTMAS SUZANNE REFUSED TO TAKE ANY PICTURES OF THE KIDS AROUND THE TREE.

I DON'T WANT TO GIVE THE IMPRESSION I'M CHEAPER THAN MY ANCESTORS FROM THE OLD COUNTRY, BUT I HAVE ALWAYS FELT CHRISTMAS WAS THE SEASON WHEN FAULTS WERE OVERLOOKED, BY FESTIVE GOOD CHEER, AND THAT A LOPSIDED, MIXED SPECIES OF BRUSH, TINSIL AND POLYESTER WOULDN'T BE NOTICED FOR ITS SHORTFALLS……..BECAUSE JOY BESTOWED WOULD MAKE EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT……..PROVIDED THE TREE DIDN'T FALL OR SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST FROM ITS OWN EMBARRASSMENT.

ROBERT WAS THE CHIEF ARCHITECT OF THE TREE THIS YEAR……AND HE HAS OUTDONE HIMSELF. ANDREW TOOK OFF TO A PARTY, AND SEEING AS HE IS, BAR FAR, THE MOST ANTAGONISTIC OF THE CLAN, IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE, THAT THE COPS WEREN'T REQUIRED THIS YEAR; AND FATHER DIDN'T HAVE TO BE FORCIBLY RESTRAINED. IT IS CERTAINLY ON THE WAY TO BECOMING A MERRY CHRISTMAS.

THE CATS? THEY ARE LOOKING FOR JIMNEY CRICKET TONIGHT, SO THE TREE HAS ESCAPED THEIR FOCUS. I'M SURE IN THE NIGHT, THERE WILL BE THE FAMILIAR TINKLE OF GLASS ORNAMENTS, AND THE SOUND OF BRISTLES RUBBING THEIR BELLIES, BUT WITH THE WIRE CABLES OF REINFORCEMENT, THIS IS AS WELL SECURED AS A TELECOMMUNICATIONS TOWER.

FOR NOW, THERE'S SOME HOT CIDER. A PAT ON THE BACK, FOR A JOB WELL DONE, AND ANTICIPATION OF THE LEGEND OF THE CURRIES, AND WHEN IT WILL ALL HIT THE FAN! BECAUSE FRANKLY, NORMAL TO US, IS ABNORMAL TO EVERYONE ELSE.

IF THE TREE DOESN'T FALL, OR SOMETHING, GEEZ, I DON'T WHAT WE'D DO. IS OUR LUCK CHANGING?

JUST A SECOND. I'M GETTING A MESSAGE FROM MY DECEASED IRISH GRANDFATHER……"WILL YA' SHUT UP, YOU OL' FART, AND JUST ENJOY THE CIDER."

GOTCHA!